Re: still struggling after ten years
Date: December 22, 2009 06:46AM
thanks for your helpful posts. I have had some counseling and support workers etc, but I didn't tell them much about the cult. In fact, I only recently was able to call it that - a "cult". but it was by every definition of the word. I still feel like a fraud or someone who is over-reacting or some kind of traitor when I say that. For a long time, I just thought that's what christianity was. Through reading online it becomes more and more apparent what it truly was. I have just got a new counselor who helps survivors of sexual abuse and I might be able to talk with her about it, I hope. I wonder though if it will stress her, I don't want to put on her etc...I know that's her job but does she really expect to deal with things like this? I don't know.
I relate to what you say about learning to accept that we can be different, this not being allowed within the cult. It's scary leaving or being shunned because you are suddenly thrown into a world where everyone is different to you and you've no idea who you are any more as before the cult defined you. I've got my head round that a bit in the last ten years, I know myself better but it's still a struggle and I constantly think about the deeper meanings of things that other people wouldn't give a second thought to. Also I swing from believing loads of weird outlandish things to being totally skeptical and not believing anything. Sometimes I detest religion and sometimes I feel empty without it and read different types of religious texts fanatically.
I guess it's a step forward that I've realised what it was - a cult, a twisted version of christianity that probably even most charismatic christians wouldn't agree with. It was not christianity and it was not normal and there is nothing wrong with me for rejecting it. If I hadn't I might still be there, taking part in the recruiting of others and abusing people the way I was abused. At least I will be more wary of being drawn into that sort of thing in the future.
It sounds horrible thinking that people will attack you. I don't think most people realise how much these groups can mess with your mind, how terrifying it can be and how it affects you. I think from what my partner has said, being part of the military is similar. Even if you've never been in conflict, leaving can mess your head up because your whole life revolves around it, you know nothing of an adult life outside of it, it controls the way you think and act and it defines you, for years. Then suddenly you are out and you are a 'nobody', like everyone else, your rank means nothing, you don't wear a uniform, nobody needs an employee who knows how to target laser guided missiles etc. you must feel you don't have a place in the world and don't know what to do with yourself. So I guess through my partner I can find some understanding too as I think the military, by the sounds of it, operates like a giant cult. anyway I am goingon a tangent...
thanks for your replies they were helpful...and thank you for your understanding.