Re: Living with fears after leaving a cult
Date: December 22, 2009 01:37PM
I find it is a challenge all the time for me to see 'normal' as ok and not have the subtle hidden judgments that regular life is somehow inferior. It is really quite a pain that this judgement is still strong in me because I dont want to judge people and separate myself in little ways from them. It is such a bad habit and really it is ironic because it is just so judgmental and God would not be judgmental like that. I am happy that I am aware of it now and that I recognise it as unhelpful, whereas before I would believe it and think that I am so alone and am never going to find anyone like me when I am around all these 'normal' people.
A funny thing is I have noticed sometimes in little ways in different so-called normal people how spirituality shines thru, I see kindness or a lack of judgment, an acceptance of things or a peace in some people at times, and now I can start to see that this is actually little examples of spirituality and its nice to see.
I used to spend a long time working out what I believed and trying to get answers, then thinking I had it worked out, only to feel really lost again. This reminds me a little of your description, Bea of what you were doing.
I also use the word 'empty' to describe how I feel quite often and I have been thinking about what this really means. In my case, I think it has to do with feeling depressed from believing that my desires or needs are not important or that I shouldnt have them, that I cant have a meaningful or good life for myself. At times I sort of give up on my own dreams, probably out of habit from many years of thinking it is wrong to have my own good life. I think this leads to a lost feeling, an empty feeling. I am starting to see that without desires and drives, there is no life or positivity and that God would want us to have life.
Its great to hear about your experiences and thoughts,