I have been posting a lot lately as we never know what tomorrow holds. Also the lockdowns are quite challenging as one cannot escape. If not for the lockdowns, I would not even be in here. Life has been altered.
I want to contribute to this forum as much as I can.
I have been sitting with the hurt and finally letting go of a group I had know for 20 years. I am starting to see how complex the cult dynamics are on an emotional level. The trauma bounding, Stockholm syndrome, guilt, shame, anger...
I have always felt extremely sorry for those who have been sexually abused by cult leaders or other members. I always felt fortunate that it was not something I experienced.
However I feel as though I have been violated over and over again on a soul level.
The soul which is so pure and trusting like a child. The soul that thinks that it can be vulnerable amongst other peoole who supposedly are trying to be pleasing to God.
I think I was not ready yet to face the trauma that the cult had created in my life. All these years I had to jump over greater fires and focus on survival.
So the real and heavy healing journey is starting after 13 years.
Why does it hurt so much. Because unlike many ex SoI members who do not care whasoever about the path, I was in love with it.
Dedicated 100 percent. Thinking that I had reached my destination and that I could finally rest knowing where I was going in this life and after I leave this world.
Unfortunately it did not go as planned. And it even led to loss of faith.
I am going to do my best to take responsibility for staying so long in a harmful situation and going over my limits as I always do.
I will try and accept that I too was not perfect and that it is not all their fault.
No matter how much I try to negotiate with myself, their actions cannot be justified. I also know that my instability at times were always provoked.
I can be the most leveled and pleasant person in a loving atmosphere.
I have made it one of my missions to expose Chris Butler’s cult.
Despite the positive aspects, they are not allowed to abuse people in any way in the name of making one a submissive servant of God.
I am OK wearing my heart on my sleeves in here. I guess I am amongst the wounded.
I may hide behind a fake name here, but they know who I am.
I have faced them and told them what they have done to me. Things I had held inside for years. Out of fear of losing them.
What if I want to return one day?
Well now the bridges have been burnt and I cannot look back but only forward.
I will always wear the scars that were left on my heart and soul. Same way that some physical scars cannot be healed.
I chose to make something positive out of the hurt by bringing awareness to abuse in covert or overt cults. I hope that my protesting will make them more cautious not to hurt others so lightly.
That their game is no longer hidden. That they must look in the mirror.
I know that life goes on for them. They keep hurting people and damaging their spiritual lives. They will always see those who left as fallen soldiers who got attracted to material life and the beauty of illusion aka Maya.
That we are offensive and they are perfect and surrendered.
Those who are still on the Marathon back to Krishna Loka. The heroes and Elite who hold the Absolute Truth.
They do not know that they are in spiritual kindergarten playing in a sand box. That accepting to live in so much fear and control is poison to the soul.
I guess it is better to leave and live with scars than to stay and pretend that the wounds are not getting infected.
My true healing journey staretd a few months ago when I started reading the posts here. So I know I need to be patient and compassiinate with myself.
Thank you for letting me express my feelings and hoepfully help others not to fall into traps.