I am not going to give you loads of details but when i was a kid my mum was addicted to lots of different cults and dragged me through the lot. She did a lot of weird stuff and cut us all out of our family for many years because of her craziness. One of the cults was a born again christian church who were very controlling and they wanted us to give our lives and hearts to jesus and do everything that they said as it was "gods way".
Some cult members they were involved with abused me sexually and the head games took me a decade to get over. I never completed school and ended up in care because I kept running away from home in my early teens. When i was in care I was with other kids who had been abused in the cult (it was a national scandal) and we made a secret club and stuck up for each other. I was in a way the leader of this group and tried my hardest to help some of the other kids who had some real issues and had had much worse abuse than myself. In a strange way they were good times, we were safe now and we lived in a nice house and got a lot of help from care agencys and other fine people. The lady we lived with was amazing and treated us like her own kids - she tried her hardest to make us feel loved and that we could do anything we wanted with our lives.
Sadly a lot of those kids are very lost adults now but i vowed that I wasn't going to "give up" and trained hard to become a professional craftsperson and have a normal life. It worked and apart from some bad day's (like today) I have a happy and fulfilled life. I am reunited with my family after 20+ years (good old facebook!) and I have a good job ect.
So when I see other young people and kids being hurt by cult-like behaviour it makes me angry and i want to do something constructive about it. The cult stuff I exposed knocked me for 6 as it was so similar in ways to my own life and lately i have felt full of self doubt - am i really helping people or am i just excorcising my own personal demons? Am i projecting my personal hurt onto my anti-cult cause? Or am I actually doing the right thing by "exposing" people for what they are? I think I am doing the right thing but because of my expereinces i really worry that i am not the right person to do it!

I am sorry to lay this on you - but I am finding things tough and because of what I am doing I feel vunerable to talk about any "weaknesses" with people. I may have in case it is used against me. But this makes me feel like I am not being honest and genuine - as though i am hiding from myself or something - shit i dunno.

Just so you know - just telling you my story has made me feel a lot better - maybe its pretty messed up bouncing personal stuff off internet avatars but I am scared to discuss this with people I know. I have a lot of resposnsibilities in work and with my causes and I would hate to seem vunerable. In a weird way it is just good to get it off my chest anonymously - I havent talked about this with anyone for many years - I am BIG now and STRONG and do not want to think about my childhood.

Ty for this

Hi Sarah, it takes a lot of courage to post your story on-line, but it does feel good to speak the truth, doesn't it? It sounds like you've been through a great deal in your life ... more that I can imagine as I was not born into a cult life. There are lots of good resources on-line, such as internet and real world supprt groups or coounselors for people born into cult life as you were. Seek out good professional support, there's no reason you should handle all of these issues by yourself.

I hope that others who have been in your situation can chime in and offer you some further encouragement. Be kind to yourself in the meatime and take care :)

Hi Sarah, I too just wanted to reply to your story just to let you know that others do care about what you have been through. I greatly admire your courage. Unless anyone has been through a similar experience, I realise no-one else can truly understand the trauma and what that does to your life, nevertheless, I hope you will accept my best wishes for your future.
In my case, I am the mother of a cult-involved daughter who refuses to have any contact with me (due to the destructive indoctrination and fear tactics of the cult involved---sometimes I think all cult leaders read from the same cult techniques manual! (I don't mean to sound flippant about that;it's just that it's so frustrating to me that these sociopaths get away with damaging so many lives.)
As I said, I cannot tell you that I know how you feel, but I can tell you, from a parent's perspective, how devastating it is to know just how much heartache is caused by all destructive coercive groups.
I can only echo the sentiments of the former reply: take care.
" I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief"---Gerry Spence.(One of my favourite quotes.)
Regards, Nadine.

Hi Sarah

I can kind of understand where youre coming from to an extent. Although I wasnt bor into a cult I did have a short but very painful experience at the hands of a destructive churh/cult and that is what has brought me to this forum. I understand the dilemma in questioning your motives for exposing the work of cults and I think it is always going to be a two-way thing. I know it is for me. Sometime its to help myself. To know Im not the only one who suffered and sometimes its to help others who have suffered or to avoid/limit that suffering. I find that the emphasis can change depending on who Im speaking to or what the topic is.

Personally I dont think there is anything wrong with either of these two motives. The way I see it as an overall picture is that if I can help someone else who is where I have been then what I suffered has not been in vain and some good has come from it. However, as others have said I think you need to take care that the altruistic attitude doesnt mask any underlying issues you may have. Youve done really well getting a good job and making something of your life. However if you feel you have unresolved issues/pain/hurt etc its not a sign of weakness to seek help for yourself. I cant beging to pretend I know what you went through or where you are at now but as others have said you need to be kind to yourself too. YOU matter just as much as anyone else.

Hope this helps a little. Look after yourself

CovLass