I looked at SGI as my support system, but I realize now it isn't a support system I want. Looking at it that way, I see it would be normal to feel as lonely as I do. I am concerned that people are chanting for me, and I am going to get swayed, or something bad is going to happen and I will want to chant and take back my practice. I realize I may feel this way for a while as I regain my self esteem.
In February, I had a member say I wasn't standing up for my life when I didn't want to pick her up and bring her to my home to chant.
I stayed away from the SGI, and went even as far to block all SGI related e-mails. I then had a bad bout of anxiety in March. It got so bad, that I decided to chant. I didn't know what else to do. I then felt angry with myself that I chanted, and also communicated with SGI Members. I am trying to step away, but I know I have to be patient with myself.
Finding My Way Today, the things that you describe are pretty common in people who've left SGI. First, SGI does tell people that their lives are just going go to rack and ruin if they quit chanting and/or leave SGI. If you've heard that, it's hard not to feel anxious about leaving SGI -- but the fact is, it's not true. Problems, sickness, unemployment, depression, anxiety, accidents, and divorce all happen to SGI members. Many members who have left SGI say that their lives are better without all of SGI's pressures, lies and manipulations.
Second, being told things like "You're not standing up for your life" when you won't do what they want is typical SGI bullshit. A leader or fellow member makes unreasonable demands or says something insulting and then they twist everything so it is your fault for saying no! I'm so glad I don't have to listen to that kind of manipulation anymore!
Third, I hesitated to leave SGI myself because I felt that those people were my friends and my support group. The truth was, they weren't friends or supportive at all, they were just people I spent a lot of time with. Not spending time with them gives me more time to make real friends and spend time with the people who really do care about me.
Last, SGI does not own daimoku. If chanting does something for you, you can still chant without belonging to SGI. There are other Nichiren sects, Nichiren Shu, Nichiren Shoshu, and Kempon Hokke. Some ex-SGI members have found other ex-SGI members to chant and study with. You can also chant on your own, if you want to.