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I was constantly sleep-deprived thru my high school years (and not from horsing around, either). It was all because of gakkai cult activities. I was departing "YOUTH!" activities that ended after 10 p.m. (sometimes, 11 or 11:30) and then had to drive home for more than an hour after that. This was a twice a weeknight thing, too. I'd get home around midnight or later, have to bathe and go to bed, then get up before 5 a.m. in order to have enough time for gongyo before heading off to school. Repeat and replay, every week. In addition, there were "practices" every weekend, sometimes Sat. & Sun (all day Sundays, and again, requiring hours of driving to get there and back), as campaign day drew nearer. And this of course is not taking into consideration all of the other "activities" always taking place (tosos, zadankai, gajokai, soka-han, community center and temple - in those days - cleaning, planning meetings, shakubuku, leaders meetings, etc., etc., etc.).
I literally lived, ate and slept more for the gakkai cult org. than for myself in those days (they tried to brainwash you and tell you it *was* for yourself). It was insane. If I weren't a young (and dumb) kid at the time, I'd never be able to do it as a middle aged adult.
In the UK it’s much calmer activity-wise compared to the US, and members without a designated responsibility who join as adults (i.e who don’t ever experience being in the youth division) might read this and not relate it to how we practice in the UK. Even to the extent of claiming that the reason that things have gone wrong with SGI in the past is because a few mistaken members have had this manic mentality. So they would be blaming these particular members rather than the organisation and certainly not Daisaku Ikeda.
However, this calmer approach is certainly not what happens in the youth division, especially if one becomes a member of a dedicated group, which is something that is pushed onto youth division members as soon as they get their gohonzons. Then the craziness begins and it all sounds very similar to what you guys are describing.
I remember countless times getting up at 5am to drive a group of young women to the centre in time for an activity. The whole day would involve constant busyness - team meetings, scheduling, cleaning, vacuuming, washing up, making teas and coffees, ‘protecting the butsugu’. Everything was a rush, including lunch – so we would often spend the afternoon fighting the effects of bad digestion and the whole day fighting tiredness. Then back on the motorway to drive everyone home. These activities were sold to us as great opportunities to change our karma. There was an often repeated bit of guidance that when you went to the centre you left your karma at the gates and by doing this activity you might find that all the problems you arrived with have resolved themselves by the time you get home. This was often quoted to people that had a reason for not wanting to do an activity, to ‘encourage’ them to ‘break-through their negativity’ and ‘win in their lives’.
I desperately wanted this bit of guidance to be true as there were many things I felt I hadn’t managed to change that were still causing me to suffer. So I would always put activities first with the hope that this would be what was needed to sort out my relationship difficulties/lack of confidence/conflicts with people/job difficulties, etc. But I have to say that I cannot remember one activity when I came back to any such transformation (surprise, surprise).
One time in particular sticks out in my mind. After getting up at the crack of dawn and spending most of the day ‘supporting the members’ I got stuck on the motorway on the way back, making a 2 hour journey into a 5 hour epic. It was pouring with rain, quite dangerous really, and I was quite a nervous driver. I managed to do a detour through the countryside and stopped off at a motorway service station to buy everyone a coffee. On returning to the car I noticed that the door had a dent in it where some other driver had aggressively knocked their door into mine. I felt a bit sick but carried on with the journey home telling myself that I must have expiated bucket loads of karma on this activity. Sometime in the evening I finally dropped the last young woman off and returned home exhausted but relieved that I had managed to get everyone back in one piece. But had I managed to change any of my problems – had I hell!
Of course, what participating in these activities did was give me a massive high when I finally managed to do them, especially if it was something I was worried about. I was always terrified that I might have an accident due to being too tired and being such an inexperienced driver and when this didn’t happen I would be giddy with relief. But it was a false high because after a few days it would fade away and all my old problems were still there.
The activities certainly weren’t changing anything deep and fundamental as they were purported to be doing. For me they just became an addictive replacement for my personal life and in the end I was doing them purely to escape from everything else.
Of course if I ever expressed concern that I didn’t seem to be getting anywhere despite all my efforts with chanting and activities I would always get a stern lecture that Buddhism is not magic, it’s common sense, and that I can’t just expect all my problems to be solved unless I take action. Eh? Hold on, didn’t you just tell me taking action is putting kosen rufu first? I’m confused!
There was also the old chestnut that no-one knows how long someone’s karma takes to change as it could be very, very deep. This could be used to justify someone practising their whole lives and experiencing dreadful suffering up until the end.
There are many, many get-out clauses that the organization has to explain why someone isn’t making the changes in their lives that they hoped for and the reason is
never that maybe the reason they are suffering is because they are doing too many activities, too much chanting and neglecting other areas of their lives.
After I had gone through a particularly difficult period in my life and had ended up in a stressful, tedious job that required me to be human robot and made me ill, I felt desperate and sought guidance about why I was not happy in my life in the way I would have hoped after 20 years of practice, I was reminded that anyone can be happy in any circumstances, and the leader related the experience of a lady who chanted to be able to clean Sensei’s hotel room as she knew he would be staying there and guess what? Her prayer was answered and she was soooo happy. I was also advised to ‘chant to fulfil Sensei’s expectations of you’ and that I never had to feel lonely as long as I had Sensei in my heart.
I so badly wanted to feel the happiness that the cleaning lady felt and so I carried on with the chanting and activities with this in mind suppressing any feelings of unhappiness and telling myself to trust the guidance.
I think it took another year or so where I experienced a few other set-backs (too much to go into here) and ending up feeling utterly hopeless and having a near emotional meltdown, I had to finally admit to myself that maybe this practice wasn’t actually the best thing for my life and maybe, just maybe there were other ways to look after my mental, spiritual and physical health. And above all, maybe my happiness
wouldn’t come from fulfilling Sensei’s expectations, whatever the hell they were considering I've never met the man and he doesn't know me.
From that time it took another few months to actually make the break and to start thinking in a balanced way, avoiding putting myself needlessly into overly stressful situations and to look after myself like a sensible adult.
As before, I haven’t experienced a miraculous transformation but the difference is that I am not expecting it, I am not setting myself up for a big high only to experience a big fall. I am still processing the things that happened during my time in the organization but not in a bitter way, just to gain some perspective and resolution. There are really good things in my life which I appreciate and there are also difficult things which I am slowly sorting out.
That is why I am so appreciative of this forum. To read everyone’s experiences reminds me why I had to break away from that sick way of thinking where it’s all about winning, losing, being victorious and fighting.