Say, were you ever told to chant for Big! Impressive! benefits so that you would have something to wow the guests with at the next discussion meeting? You know, something better than, "I was thirsty and I found a nickel on the sidewalk, and, with the rest of the change I already had in my pocket, I was able to buy a can of Coke!" :D

Where do I go from here? I spent WAY too much time on the wrong path so I am more skeptical and to be honest more cynical than I used to be. I ask the question but I don’t really want to know the answer or maybe I no longer believe there is an answer. I've been reading Richard Dawkins and I'm not sure how knowing that I am a speck of cosmic dust floating around in a vast universe actually helps me in the day to day. Perhaps I'll evolve or better yet perhaps I am evolving. Watched an old Star Wars movie the other night and never realized how wise Yoda really was. "When it comes to matters of the force... my own counsel will I keep ... yes ... um..."

Quote
Freeheartandmind
That said, there are sincere, compassionate folks doing good in religious groups I do not subscribe to, but I will not minimize the impact of what they do. I try to be fair. NSA/SGI has no compassion, and does nothing to benefit anybody except for billionaire Ikea and his cronies. Any guiding philosophy a person lives by that lacks compassion is worthless. Somebody's "enlightenment" does nothing to make this world a better place.

I find myself going back and forth on this issue and have come to the same conclusions. Some of the positives of "religion", IMO, are (generally speaking) the history, literature, poetry, morals and ethics that it brings to the table. A lot of beautiful art has also been created in the name of "religion."

That being said, none of the other baggage that goes along with it, is for me. I can separate the two (positives and the negatives).

On the topic of the gakkai cult org., however, I agree. I see no redeeming characteristics in the pseudo-buddhist $oka cult, after spending decades in it. The only thing "positive" that I can say about the cult org., is that much like any bad experience in your life, it forces you to teach yourself and learn valuable lessons about how to deal with and navigate through them. I learned about manipulation, fear tactics, fallacious logic and how to think critically in order to save myself. In that sense, it changed my life (by getting away from it).

****

Quote
Freeheartandmind

Quote
sixtyseven
Hahaha, I got that sms yesterday at 7 PM: "Today WD toso at my house 8 PM + adress". What the hell do they think ( if they think at all), that I grovel back on my bended knees full of sorrow? Eventually jump into the car in rueful excitement and leave my little children behind or lodge them in their pajamas on the rear seats? Stupid ignorant people. I hope that the anger stops one day. Should I ignore the text or should I reply, what do you think?

I vote for ignoring it..ignoring ignorance is always a good idea!

I second that vote. Replying will only show that you are open to engagement and possible "dialogue." If they show up at your door, then all bets are off. You can tell them exactly how you feel and where to go. Or, you can invite them in and play their "dialogue" game and have some fun (if the mood strikes you). I've done all three at various times, depending on my mood and when the catch me.

****

Quote
Freeheartandmind
I posted upthread about being in high school and at the community center till all hours of the morning. The community center was clear across town, on the far northwest side if Chicago, and I lived on the far south side. Not one leader ever asked if all these "activities" were hurting my schoolwork, or even if my mother approved. It was like ice water in my face when I realized the so-called "leaders" didn't give a damn about me or my welfare. All they cared about was my free labor. I knew adult members who barely kept their jobs because of daytime sleepiness. Yet, we were supposed to be "victorious" and all that crap. The org uses people up and spits them out unless you wake up and free yourself.

100% agree!

I was constantly sleep-deprived thru my high school years (and not from horsing around, either). It was all because of gakkai cult activities. I was departing "YOUTH!" activities that ended after 10 p.m. (sometimes, 11 or 11:30) and then had to drive home for more than an hour after that. This was a twice a weeknight thing, too. I'd get home around midnight or later, have to bathe and go to bed, then get up before 5 a.m. in order to have enough time for gongyo before heading off to school. Repeat and replay, every week. In addition, there were "practices" every weekend, sometimes Sat. & Sun (all day Sundays, and again, requiring hours of driving to get there and back), as campaign day drew nearer. And this of course is not taking into consideration all of the other "activities" always taking place (tosos, zadankai, gajokai, soka-han, community center and temple - in those days - cleaning, planning meetings, shakubuku, leaders meetings, etc., etc., etc.).

I literally lived, ate and slept more for the gakkai cult org. than for myself in those days (they tried to brainwash you and tell you it *was* for yourself). It was insane. If I weren't a young (and dumb) kid at the time, I'd never be able to do it as a middle aged adult.

****

On the topic of cult org. expectations and manipulation:

Quote
sleepy skunk
I just wanted to add the fact that I know of no store in this area that is open between the hours of 11pm and 8am. By default you'd have to make them yourself. How nice. If you are giving all your money to the org then you probably couldn't afford the cost of 40 sandwiches, making it pretty much impossible after factoring in the cost of the goods required to make said sandwiches. You'd probably berated for not being able to either make them yourself, or buy them. Which you would then be told to "make the cause".

It sounds to me like they just try to see what people are willing to put with, which is a lot. Even I have had my share of being berated for not having the "determination" and all that garbage. Even if the task was non-org related. And then even if you're sick, tough luck for you. I went along as much as I could tolerate because I felt I did need to learn a bit of self-discipline. After having given it some thought, it wasn't truly self-discipline but merely responding positively towards abuse. It sounds like there should be also an SGI thread under Abusive Relationships after everything people have said so far.

You definitely would have to pick up the tab yourself. If you were lucky (in gakkai cult-speak, "fortunate"), another member might chip in time & $$$$ to help you out, but it would definitely come out your own pocket.

If you didn't come thru, you'd also definitely be criticized for not pulling your own weight for Cousin Rufus and letting other members down who depended on you. "Making a (good) cause" = creating good (luck) "fortune" by carrying out your immediate "leader's" orders. Not doing it after being asked was even worse, because in their warped mind games you were then interfering with Cousin Rufus and making a worse cause. Interfering with Cousin Rufus was an even worse mystical offense than being a non-member and sitting on the sidelines watching in neutrality.

Nothing but a bunch of evil, manipulative, superstition exploiting and controlling mind games.

That's how I came to view it after a while and I always called their their bluff. Eventually, they knew who they could get the most from and focused on them more and more with time (usually, until they broke).

An abusive relationship sums it up perfectly.


- Hitch

Quote
TaitenAndProud
How any organization figures it can be mean, nasty, and unfriendly to small children (and their parents) and still grow is beyond me *eye roll*

I remember hearing lot of complaints from cult org. member mothers, with toddler age children, about how the "leaders" of new kaikans would lay the law down and declare that the new cult org. building was practically off-limits to toddler use. It created an unwelcoming, overly restrictive environment for some children and made the parents feel guilty for even bringing them.

Gotta love the hypocrisy of the cult org., who treasures the "YOUTH!" as "precious jewels" for Cousin Rufus.

Quote
TaitenAndProud
Say, were you ever told to chant for Big! Impressive! benefits so that you would have something to wow the guests with at the next discussion meeting? You know, something better than, "I was thirsty and I found a nickel on the sidewalk, and, with the rest of the change I already had in my pocket, I was able to buy a can of Coke!" :D

My first exposure to this kind of thing was as a kid. I was being pushed to give an experience - of which, I felt I didn't have any "benefits" to go on about. Well, they lady in charge went on to implant suggestions into my head. I still remember walking away and thinking, "Oh, so that's how it works. They are basically asking me to embellish and or make something up." I didn't give experiences very often, because I didn't want to lie (to myself, and others). Then, later, they would try to implant the guilt that if you didn't really have any experiences, then something was wrong with your practice and faith (i.e., you're not brainwashed enough and getting with the program).

****

Quote
TaitenAndProud
One delusion my membership in the SGI helped me overcome was the idea that there can be a belief system/philosophy/religion that is so inherently *good* that everyone who practices it will demonstrate improved behavior.

For example, a teaching can be all about love and compassion and fluffy bunnies, but if its devotees show a high rate of violence and seem driven to harm others, we can conclude that this is a *bad* teaching.

This thread and everyone on it is testament to the fact that the $oka Gakkai Cult Org. is a bad teaching that harms and abuses people.

****

Quote
Thatsmeinthecorner
Where do I go from here? I spent WAY too much time on the wrong path so I am more skeptical and to be honest more cynical than I used to be. I ask the question but I don’t really want to know the answer or maybe I no longer believe there is an answer. I've been reading Richard Dawkins and I'm not sure how knowing that I am a speck of cosmic dust floating around in a vast universe actually helps me in the day to day. Perhaps I'll evolve or better yet perhaps I am evolving. Watched an old Star Wars movie the other night and never realized how wise Yoda really was. "When it comes to matters of the force... my own counsel will I keep ... yes ... um..."

There will always be those who find the answers of Science unsatisfying and that's one reason "religion" is going to always be around in some form (cults or otherwise). It provides comfort and reduces anxiety. Science doesn't. It doesn't care one way or the other; our feelings and needs are irrelevant to the equation.

Where do you go? You go on your own path, but *you* choose it. As for myself, I derive meaning from the people that I love, who are close to me and how I treat others. That's something the gakkai cult org. never did for me. It never encouraged thinking for yourself, it only showed fake conditional and manipulative love, and was above all, an abusive and dysfunctional relationship.

I hope more and more people read this thread, open their eyes and get away from the $oka Gakkai pseudo-buddhist CULT org..


- Hitch

Oh, I forgot to add the most important point to Corboy's discussion about there being accidents from people being sleep deprived (too late to go back and edit).

Yes, there were accidents. I know of several cases. I remember one incident where a men's division totaled his car coming back from a long distance activity late at night. He was completely unhurt (benefit #1!) and with insurance, he was able to get a brand spanking new (and better) car for Cousin Rufus activities to do even more for the cult org. (big benefit #2!!).

A vicious cycle of confirmation bias, manipulation and delusion. That's the gakkai cult org..


- Hitch

Quote

Thatsme: Where do I go from here? I spent WAY too much time on the wrong path so I am more skeptical and to be honest more cynical than I used to be. I ask the question but I don’t really want to know the answer or maybe I no longer believe there is an answer. I've been reading Richard Dawkins and I'm not sure how knowing that I am a speck of cosmic dust floating around in a vast universe actually helps me in the day to day. Perhaps I'll evolve or better yet perhaps I am evolving. Watched an old Star Wars movie the other night and never realized how wise Yoda really was. "When it comes to matters of the force... my own counsel will I keep ... yes ... um..."

Thatsme, when you've been raised within an authoritarian system where you were expected to be *obedient*, once that whole external locus of control is removed, you might feel adrift or even lost. This is the danger of making obedience the prime virtue, for example, when raising children. Do you really want your children growing up to unquestioningly obey whoever/whatever is in authority?? They cannot develop an inner compass unless they have freedom to make their own choices, you see.

This danger, though, is a virtue for an authoritarian organization such as religious organizations, including the SGI. The members are drilled in how obedience is the "prime point," how they should always strive to exceed their leaders' expectations, and to internalize the organization's goals as their own. Surely anyone can see how this will benefit the leadership! The authoritarian organization thus becomes the driving force behind its members' consciousness. Ideally, they will think first about what's best for the organization. "What would President Ikeda want me to do?" <-- Have you heard this? I have. When members make the organization's wellbeing their focus, the organization prospers - and those who profit from that organizational prosperity are happy - and rich and powerful.

What will begin to happen is a distinct and predictable progression. One former member, above, remarked that, at first, she was treated like the golden child who could do no wrong, constantly praised and petted. And then the demands became ever more insistent and strident. The members are trained to want to satisfy their leaders by doing *more* than they are asked to do, but the leaders' demands become increasingly impossible! Thus, the member feels ever more incompetent, ever more of a disappointment, ever weaker, ever more helpless. And the member is told that s/he needs to "try harder" to make the organization the focal point, to work on getting into the "correct orbit" around the "sun" of Fatty Ikeda. The promise, of course, is that, if the member simply obeys the leaders and tries *really hard*, s/he will become happy and prosperous beyond his/her wildest expectations. In the end, greed and, yes, desire/attachment provide the means of exploiting a person's vulnerabilities.

In the end, your purpose in life is what *YOU* make it. Whatever you want to do, that's what you need to do. Wherever you want to go? That's where you need to go. It's all up to YOU. So Richard Dawkins' perspective doesn't resonate with you? No problem! Plenty of other ideas out there! You may end up thinking up new ones all your own, in fact! No problem! If I were to offer you a suggestion, I would recommend this book: [www.amazon.com] You don't hear about these giants of the Enlightenment, but they had *brilliant* minds and came to startling and even now forward-thinking conclusions, about the basic rights of human beings, the importance of human happiness, people's innate right to various freedoms and protection by the government - it's truly terrific.

In the meantime, perhaps you'd be interested in REAL Buddhism. Surely there was an initial attraction to Buddhism - yes? I think a review of the basics of REAL Buddhism will be satisfying to you, and may also provide the affirmation/validation of what you perhaps have deeply felt that Buddhism *should* be (but were disappointed in what was presented as Buddhism by the SGI) - at least, that's the way it was for me!

Start here: [www.buddhanet.net]

Then, for a discussion of emptiness, go here: [www.thezensite.com]

When I read that second article, I realized that I was a Maadhyamika Buddhist! I can't even pronounce it; I never knew what it was or that it even existed; but it's describing ME! Don't worry, Zen isn't the work of devils ;) Nagarjuna is one of the most formidable philosophical intellects that humankind has ever produced - perhaps you'll enjoy the robustness of his argument. It really was an eye-opener for me.

So in conclusion, just relax. You've been through a lot! Reconnect with yourself, think about the things you enjoy and that enable you to feel fulfilled - and then do them. Read books, see movies - and feel free to quit them if you aren't enjoying the ride! YOU are in the driver's seat now. It's YOUR life to define as you wish. Say, one last thing - if you want an *excellent* introduction to REAL Buddhism, get ahold of the original Kung Fu TV series, with David Carradine, from the mid-1970s. It shows Buddhism in action, and does an amazing job of communicating the essence of a Buddhist approach to life. Srsly!

Quote

Hitch: "Oh, so that's how it works. They are basically asking me to embellish and or make something up."

That's exactly right.

I remember once, when I was still a Chapter YWD leader, we drove up to Duluth to the district up there to help some members prepare for the intro study exam. *sigh* Anyhow, there was an inactive YWD who had agreed to let us all meet at her apartment for the review session. At the end, we asked her if we could do gongyo (she was still enshrined) before we headed back (3-hr drive). She said, "Sure" and sat down to do gongyo with us. The End.

So we get back to town, and the MD HQ leader asks me to prepare an "experience" of the trip for the next kosen-rufu gongyo. He asks to see a draft of what I'm planning on saying. I dutifully write it up and hand it in to him. The next day he hands it back. He'd changed something.

Where I had written, "Before we left, we asked if we could do gongyo at her altar. She said 'Sure' and then joined us for gongyo."

He had changed it to this: "Before we left, SHE ASKED US IF WE WOULD DO GONGYO WITH HER." That's quite a bit different, isn't it? Makes it sound like she *begged* us to do gongyo with her, as if she realized how much she *needed* her SGI leaders! Ugh.

To my eternal shame, I read it as HE had written it. I never felt good about it, I still don't - if she'd gotten wind that I'd twisted the story that way, she would have had good reason to never speak to me again (not that we were friends or anything, but I always took seriously the idea of treating even inactive members with respect). I simply felt that I had to do as he said - I didn't want to get in trouble.

Quote
Hitch

Quote
Freeheartandmind
That said, there are sincere, compassionate folks doing good in religious groups I do not subscribe to, but I will not minimize the impact of what they do. I try to be fair. NSA/SGI has no compassion, and does nothing to benefit anybody except for billionaire Ikea and his cronies. Any guiding philosophy a person lives by that lacks compassion is worthless. Somebody's "enlightenment" does nothing to make this world a better place.

I find myself going back and forth on this issue and have come to the same conclusions. Some of the positives of "religion", IMO, are (generally speaking) the history, literature, poetry, morals and ethics that it brings to the table. A lot of beautiful art has also been created in the name of "religion."

That being said, none of the other baggage that goes along with it, is for me. I can separate the two (positives and the negatives).

On the topic of the gakkai cult org., however, I agree. I see no redeeming characteristics in the pseudo-buddhist $oka cult, after spending decades in it. The only thing "positive" that I can say about the cult org., is that much like any bad experience in your life, it forces you to teach yourself and learn valuable lessons about how to deal with and navigate through them. I learned about manipulation, fear tactics, fallacious logic and how to think critically in order to save myself. In that sense, it changed my life (by getting away from it).

****

Quote
Freeheartandmind

Quote
sixtyseven
Hahaha, I got that sms yesterday at 7 PM: "Today WD toso at my house 8 PM + adress". What the hell do they think ( if they think at all), that I grovel back on my bended knees full of sorrow? Eventually jump into the car in rueful excitement and leave my little children behind or lodge them in their pajamas on the rear seats? Stupid ignorant people. I hope that the anger stops one day. Should I ignore the text or should I reply, what do you think?

I vote for ignoring it..ignoring ignorance is always a good idea!

I second that vote. Replying will only show that you are open to engagement and possible "dialogue." If they show up at your door, then all bets are off. You can tell them exactly how you feel and where to go. Or, you can invite them in and play their "dialogue" game and have some fun (if the mood strikes you). I've done all three at various times, depending on my mood and when the catch me.

****

Quote
Freeheartandmind
I posted upthread about being in high school and at the community center till all hours of the morning. The community center was clear across town, on the far northwest side if Chicago, and I lived on the far south side. Not one leader ever asked if all these "activities" were hurting my schoolwork, or even if my mother approved. It was like ice water in my face when I realized the so-called "leaders" didn't give a damn about me or my welfare. All they cared about was my free labor. I knew adult members who barely kept their jobs because of daytime sleepiness. Yet, we were supposed to be "victorious" and all that crap. The org uses people up and spits them out unless you wake up and free yourself.

100% agree!

I was constantly sleep-deprived thru my high school years (and not from horsing around, either). It was all because of gakkai cult activities. I was departing "YOUTH!" activities that ended after 10 p.m. (sometimes, 11 or 11:30) and then had to drive home for more than an hour after that. This was a twice a weeknight thing, too. I'd get home around midnight or later, have to bathe and go to bed, then get up before 5 a.m. in order to have enough time for gongyo before heading off to school. Repeat and replay, every week. In addition, there were "practices" every weekend, sometimes Sat. & Sun (all day Sundays, and again, requiring hours of driving to get there and back), as campaign day drew nearer. And this of course is not taking into consideration all of the other "activities" always taking place (tosos, zadankai, gajokai, soka-han, community center and temple - in those days - cleaning, planning meetings, shakubuku, leaders meetings, etc., etc., etc.).

I literally lived, ate and slept more for the gakkai cult org. than for myself in those days (they tried to brainwash you and tell you it *was* for yourself). It was insane. If I weren't a young (and dumb) kid at the time, I'd never be able to do it as a middle aged adult.

****

On the topic of cult org. expectations and manipulation:

Quote
sleepy skunk
I just wanted to add the fact that I know of no store in this area that is open between the hours of 11pm and 8am. By default you'd have to make them yourself. How nice. If you are giving all your money to the org then you probably couldn't afford the cost of 40 sandwiches, making it pretty much impossible after factoring in the cost of the goods required to make said sandwiches. You'd probably berated for not being able to either make them yourself, or buy them. Which you would then be told to "make the cause".

It sounds to me like they just try to see what people are willing to put with, which is a lot. Even I have had my share of being berated for not having the "determination" and all that garbage. Even if the task was non-org related. And then even if you're sick, tough luck for you. I went along as much as I could tolerate because I felt I did need to learn a bit of self-discipline. After having given it some thought, it wasn't truly self-discipline but merely responding positively towards abuse. It sounds like there should be also an SGI thread under Abusive Relationships after everything people have said so far.

You definitely would have to pick up the tab yourself. If you were lucky (in gakkai cult-speak, "fortunate"), another member might chip in time & $$$$ to help you out, but it would definitely come out your own pocket.

If you didn't come thru, you'd also definitely be criticized for not pulling your own weight for Cousin Rufus and letting other members down who depended on you. "Making a (good) cause" = creating good (luck) "fortune" by carrying out your immediate "leader's" orders. Not doing it after being asked was even worse, because in their warped mind games you were then interfering with Cousin Rufus and making a worse cause. Interfering with Cousin Rufus was an even worse mystical offense than being a non-member and sitting on the sidelines watching in neutrality.

Nothing but a bunch of evil, manipulative, superstition exploiting and controlling mind games.

That's how I came to view it after a while and I always called their their bluff. Eventually, they knew who they could get the most from and focused on them more and more with time (usually, until they broke).

An abusive relationship sums it up perfectly.


- Hitch

I learned some really bad habits in the Gakkai that hurt me for many years until I woke up. The magical thinking about Namu Myoho renge kyo and SGI activities was the most destructive thing I learned: "If you chant and do lots of activities, you will always be victorious ", "If you chant and do SGI activities, all your dreams will definitely come true", "Nothing is more valuable than your efforts for Kosen Rufu [meaning SGI activities]", and lastly, "The only memories you will have of this life are those of helping others practice with the Soka Gakkai." SGI members and leaders might ask, why these are destructive teachings? They are destructive teachings because one invariably comes to believe that one is special and can not possibly err. This leads to both arrogance and mediocrity. For many years I felt that because I chanted and did SGI activities that I would succeed regardless of the effort poured into my work and family, the areas of my life not directly related to chanting and SGI activities. Despite the BS faith equals daily life SGI spin on the Daishonin's teachings, daily life was actually discouraged at the expense of endless hours of chanting and SGI activities, and not for a day or two but day after day, week after week, and year after year. Before one knows it, one's daily life is in shambles and the years have passed without having realized one's potential. Fortunately for me, I got out with enough time to slavage my daily life, realizing that i have to pour everything, not only into Buddhist practice. but into my family and chosen profession.

Nichijew



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2013 09:44AM by Nichijew.

Quote
TaitenAndProud

Quote

Hitch: "Oh, so that's how it works. They are basically asking me to embellish and or make something up."

That's exactly right.

I remember once, when I was still a Chapter YWD leader, we drove up to Duluth to the district up there to help some members prepare for the intro study exam. *sigh* Anyhow, there was an inactive YWD who had agreed to let us all meet at her apartment for the review session. At the end, we asked her if we could do gongyo (she was still enshrined) before we headed back (3-hr drive). She said, "Sure" and sat down to do gongyo with us. The End.

So we get back to town, and the MD HQ leader asks me to prepare an "experience" of the trip for the next kosen-rufu gongyo. He asks to see a draft of what I'm planning on saying. I dutifully write it up and hand it in to him. The next day he hands it back. He'd changed something.

Where I had written, "Before we left, we asked if we could do gongyo at her altar. She said 'Sure' and then joined us for gongyo."

He had changed it to this: "Before we left, SHE ASKED US IF WE WOULD DO GONGYO WITH HER." That's quite a bit different, isn't it? Makes it sound like she *begged* us to do gongyo with her, as if she realized how much she *needed* her SGI leaders! Ugh.

To my eternal shame, I read it as HE had written it. I never felt good about it, I still don't - if she'd gotten wind that I'd twisted the story that way, she would have had good reason to never speak to me again (not that we were friends or anything, but I always took seriously the idea of treating even inactive members with respect). I simply felt that I had to do as he said - I didn't want to get in trouble.

Here's yet another thing I had to do probably no more than twice but it made me so uncomfortable. I didn't get asked to embellish but I knew I was being prodded to do something less than honest that I didn't like. I was probably being tested again, to see how far I'd go to either try to fit in or what I might do in a more dishonest vein for the org. I had to re-read that a couple of times to realize what happened here could be happening to me right now had I not gotten rid of the scroll already. That would not go well for them. I'm sure I've been talked about already for a while, but then to be made an example of wouldn't surprise me neither. I can't say I would have done anything differently in your position had it happened. I might have questioned why they changed it but like all answers they give, it would have been more nonsense and it would have got filtered out and ended with me grudgingly doing it.

Quote
sleepy skunk

Quote
TaitenAndProud

Quote

Hitch: "Oh, so that's how it works. They are basically asking me to embellish and or make something up."

That's exactly right.

I remember once, when I was still a Chapter YWD leader, we drove up to Duluth to the district up there to help some members prepare for the intro study exam. *sigh* Anyhow, there was an inactive YWD who had agreed to let us all meet at her apartment for the review session. At the end, we asked her if we could do gongyo (she was still enshrined) before we headed back (3-hr drive). She said, "Sure" and sat down to do gongyo with us. The End.

So we get back to town, and the MD HQ leader asks me to prepare an "experience" of the trip for the next kosen-rufu gongyo. He asks to see a draft of what I'm planning on saying. I dutifully write it up and hand it in to him. The next day he hands it back. He'd changed something.

Where I had written, "Before we left, we asked if we could do gongyo at her altar. She said 'Sure' and then joined us for gongyo."

He had changed it to this: "Before we left, SHE ASKED US IF WE WOULD DO GONGYO WITH HER." That's quite a bit different, isn't it? Makes it sound like she *begged* us to do gongyo with her, as if she realized how much she *needed* her SGI leaders! Ugh.

To my eternal shame, I read it as HE had written it. I never felt good about it, I still don't - if she'd gotten wind that I'd twisted the story that way, she would have had good reason to never speak to me again (not that we were friends or anything, but I always took seriously the idea of treating even inactive members with respect). I simply felt that I had to do as he said - I didn't want to get in trouble.

Here's yet another thing I had to do probably no more than twice but it made me so uncomfortable. I didn't get asked to embellish but I knew I was being prodded to do something less than honest that I didn't like. I was probably being tested again, to see how far I'd go to either try to fit in or what I might do in a more dishonest vein for the org. I had to re-read that a couple of times to realize what happened here could be happening to me right now had I not gotten rid of the scroll already. That would not go well for them. I'm sure I've been talked about already for a while, but then to be made an example of wouldn't surprise me neither. I can't say I would have done anything differently in your position had it happened. I might have questioned why they changed it but like all answers they give, it would have been more nonsense and it would have got filtered out and ended with me grudgingly doing it.

At any large [Headquarters] and up meeting and at most Chapter level meetings, in my experience, the higher level leaders always ask to see one's experience before it is given. I have had experiences edited with many deletions and additions. I went along with it because I trusted the wisdom of these others more than my own. In retrospect, I was indeed an idiot and a liar.

Nichijew