Lael (Chachakitty) - I am so thankful that you are posting on the Forum. We need to learn from you and hear what you have to say about your transition out of abuse.

If you didn't read the FaceBook posts after Shalom posted the bombshell, Lael (Chachakitty - great name) was the student at Shiloh that was beaten with a paddle for an endless amount of time by Bob Raba and Scott McDonald because they wouldn't stop until she broke. She never broke. I am so proud of you, Lael, as a woman with such a backbone.

There was so much talk by Marilyn during that era of "killing" or "breaking" someone's spirit. I am sure she based this doctrine on wanting to see people with broken and contrite hearts. But MY GOD, how do you break a person in the right way by torture and cruelty?

Then to experience Gary sexualizing you in a service (Lael has the recording) by emphasizing you had become a woman (age 12, wasn't it?). To then be invited (on tape, during service) to the weekend campout with him and his henchman, must have been terrifying. You were the only child in attendance - being watched over by Leilani - and then experiencing violations of your body at their hands.

That you can speak of moving forward to healing is monumental. I know you to be a strong, feisty woman, wife, and good mama. Thank you.

Please correct me if I got details wrong, but most of all, please keep talking and sharing your story and your insights. We need the number of people posting from your generation and your viewpoint to increase. We of the "oldies" generation have much to learn from you.

Thank you Onion Mary
The only wrong detail is Bob and Scott did not use a paddle to hit me. They used their hands.
Now as a young 11 year old girl ;that was worse. Their hands were suppose to be imparting wisdom and gods message by laying hands on me And now where beating me..: literally
Interesting times.
Their imprint , their abuse shaped me to be a victim. I saw the world with victim lenses. I’m not saying this moment was the cause of me shaping into a victim. It was just one .
In addition
This last year had been interesting also since Shaloms post. Never will be the same again. Thank god ...
However, as I played the victim role during this last year , who did I abuse ????
I was no better then Gary himself destroying lives and families by protecting the Victims and slaughtering anyone in my way .
I did it to Kesha on social media
I did it to Katie Foster
I did it to Lyndsey Gallagher behind the scenes
I was rude to Caleb LaPlante on social media
Etc etc
I’m sorry for my shortcomings.. I was not nice several times during the falling of the cult.

Lael - One of the "stopovers" on the road to healing is anger. I wish I hadn't remained in the angry mode as long or as often as I did. But I am not sure I would have said anything different. I would have felt differently and probably spoke more softly but the truth is the truth.

Please don't compare yourself to Gary Hargrave. He is continuing on his road of wreckage every day. He willfully abused and slaughtered people for 30 years. He continues to deny he did anything wrong. Scott recently categorized himself as "taking one for the team."

Falling back into the sense of failure that was hammered into us by this cult is not what any of us need to do. You are a bright light and must continue to shine. If you were any less feisty, you might not be able to talk about your journey to recovery.

Chachakitty Wrote:

> However, as I played the victim role during this
> last year , who did I abuse ????
> I was no better then Gary himself destroying lives
> and families by protecting the Victims and
> slaughtering anyone in my way .
> I did it to Kesha on social media
> I did it to Katie Foster
> I did it to Lyndsey Gallagher behind the scenes
> I was rude to Caleb LaPlante on social media
> Etc etc
> I’m sorry for my shortcomings.. I was not nice
> several times during the falling of the cult.

The big difference, Lael, is you have acknowledged your shortcomings. Gary, to my knowledge. has never owned up to the role he played in covering up decades of abuse in the fellowship. Stating that he didn't listen to the Holy Spirit doesn't cut it as a sincere apology (IMO). As rude and hostile as you might have been to those that didn't deserve it, I seriously doubt it would come anywhere close to the level of sadism practiced by G & M (and company). Perhaps you don't find comfort in that, but remember part of the conditioning of being in this cult for so many years, subject to heartless leaders, is that we were hesitant to point out egregious violations by certain key ministries...lest we become the issue and be publicly reprimanded. The finger would often be pointed back to the victim, and shame heaped upon them for supposedly not recognizing their own shortcomings. G & M turned this manipulative tactic into a sick art form, and it was effective in keeping everyone in their 'place.' No more.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2019 09:43AM by changedagain.

I posted the above comment before reading Onion's response. We're obviously on the same page with this one.

Chachakitty wrote:
The only wrong detail is Bob and Scott did not use a paddle to hit me. They used their hands. Now as a young 11 year old girl ;that was worse. Their hands were suppose to be imparting wisdom and gods message by laying hands on me And now where beating me..: literally

Criminal act

Chachakitty, Onion and Changed, it is very hard to overcome the dog eat dog, Lord of the Flies world of TLWF. It is the atmosphere we were forced to exist in for many years. The difference between us and Gary is, as Changed and Onion pointed out, that we are sad and apologetic when we realize that we have hurt our friends, while he continues to trumpet his "worldwide ministry" and trample the souls of his supporters. This last year has been intense for those of us who have been working to expose the true nature of a cult and its leaders. We have all sustained deep wounds just trying to exist inside and outside of TLWF. Now maybe there is room to extend grace to our friends as we continue to fight the evil that was done to us all.

Lael, I remember your story. What Scott and Bob did to you was unconscionable. As I recall, they were beating, pushing and throwing you in the presence of other young people. They were trying to make you say that you loved them, I believe. I'm so sorry for that and for all that you suffered. Those kinds of experiences are not easy to rise above. I am so proud of you now for your strength of character.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2019 11:58AM by Reepicheep.

CHANGED/ONION/REEP -- great responses to LAELS post.

LAEL --  You are to be highly commended for not only 'owning' your own actions publicly, but also commended for first being open to acknowledging those responses were out of line with LOVE and realized you no longer wanted them a part of your life. We are born again every moment that we let the past go.

* * *

On another note, I am shocked to hear of "PADDLEgate".  Who ever thought that was acceptable on any level?
  
The whole 'broken and contrite heart' thing has been way overplayed and much understood.  A lot of this is carryover from the 'sackcloth & ashes' mentality of the Old Testament, and really has little to do with the GOSPEL of LOVE.

Because our CREATOR has no ego and is therefore not arrogant, the proper translation of the 'broken' statement would be 'don't be an arrogant dick', not 'I want you beaten into submission'.  Nobody wants to hang out with someone whose ego is 'busting out of their outfit', or one who has been beaten to a pulp.  GOD likes party-animals--the prodigal banquet comes to mind.

FREE WILL means just that, and LOVE never violates it.  PADDLEgate is just one more disheartening revelation of just how wrong everything actually was.

kBoy wrote:
PADDLEgate is just one more disheartening revelation of just how wrong everything actually was.

yes

Reep wrote:
The difference between us and Gary is, as Changed and Onion pointed out, that we are sad and apologetic when we realize that we have hurt our friends, while he continues to trumpet his "worldwide ministry" and trample the souls of his supporters.

trampling the souls of his supporters--so true