I'm new here... thought I'd approach a topic.
I've noticed that people from my former group... usually the women, but also men... tend to stay single. I'm one of the aging singles. For some reason, I just can't seem to let myself connect on an intimate level with anyone. Female friends included. I get to a certain level of intimacy and then get scared. I'm less likely to run from my female friends, but still notice that I begin to wonder if I'll be rejected. I've suffered a lot of rejection in life. Wondering about how others may have overcome this curse of independence? I'd like to experience more interdependence in life, but seems it leads me to being used and abused. I'm enjoying a jewel of a friendship right now that seems to be very balanced. Wish I could make something like that work in a romantic type of relationship. I think my issues with males may run much deeper than with females though. I've even read a bit on the topic of something called sexual anorexia. I wonder where adult sexual health begins and fornication ends?

I've been able to push all my morés except this one. I've really come a long way in 6 years. I can go out and dance, listen to secular music, drink alcohol, go to bars, have hobbies, function at work and socially. But this one issue... I just can't seem to overcome.

So question #1: Have you all noticed a higher number of singles from your former cult?

and question #2: Do you find yourselves unable to connect human to human on an intimate level (nonsexual and sexual)?

Question #3: Do you feel odd or broken or different or contaminated?

Question #4: Are you a romantiphobe?

Question #5: Are you sexually confused, abstinent because of fear of sinning, contamination, damnation, etc?

Question #6: Do you try to tell confidences in order to attempt intimacy only to find it only triggers morbid fears?

Anyone relate to this? Or am I barking up the wrong tree? These may be deeper, childhood issues rather than cult recovery issues... not sure. Just trying to identify at the moment.

Nice to meet you all!

Amy

There is quite a bit of recovery information here:

See [www.culteducation.com]

You can also find books here:

See [www.culteducation.com]

Note the "Recovery from Cults" book listed under Cults.

Amy, I would guess that this might depend on the type of cult. I would think if a person had been involved in a cult that expects its members to be celibate, that person would have a hard time getting over the feelings of guilt about being intimate.

Same with a cult where members were encouraged to "hook up": I would think that would also create residual fear of intimacy with other people.

I think it's natural to need some recovery time after escaping a cult situation. You are probably very emotionally vulnerable right now and need time to get stronger. Six years without a relationship does seem like a long time, but if you're not ready, you're not ready. It's hard to learn to trust yourself and your instincts after being in a situation where you had to "lose yourself" or give up your free will, but I think you will know when the right time is to have a relationship.

If you do feel like you are ready for a relationship but are scared, I would suggest talking to a trusted therapist about your intimacy issues.

Best of luck to you!

Was looking for others who have same experiences... but took the advice and emailed a counselor. I have been in counseling on and off for 7-8 years. Guess it's time to go back. My finances are quite limited, but fortunately insurance covers 80%. I'll just have to eat peanut butter for lunch for awhile.

I guess from the lack of response that I'm the odd person out on this topic. It's been suggested to me that I look into sexual anorexia and join a sex addicts 12 step group. I don't think that's a good idea to join a sex addicts group. However.... I think there's something to the level of involvement in church and the propensity toward a sexual phobia.

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Amyswerld
For some reason, I just can't seem to let myself connect on an intimate level with anyone. Female friends included. I get to a certain level of intimacy and then get scared.

After experiencing psychological abuse with emotional intensity - I think it's natural to fear emotional connecton because of the potential for manipulation and abuse.

That's me talking about me, as a former cult-kid.
I definately have that fear of intimate connection, so do my children.

We cannot change what happened in the past - the cult influence. We are in control now. To slowly reprogram ourselves to trust and connect with others. I believe it can be done. I think it's a logical PTSD reaction.

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Amyswerld
I guess from the lack of response that I'm the odd person out on this topic. It's been suggested to me that I look into sexual anorexia and join a sex addicts 12 step group. I don't think that's a good idea to join a sex addicts group. However.... I think there's something to the level of involvement in church and the propensity toward a sexual phobia.

I don't think you're the only one. Maybe people just haven't seen your post yet, as not everyone checks every forum. My story is a bit different from yours, but I do think being in a cult has affected my personal relationships. I'll write more when I'm able to.

As far as sexual anorexia, that might be something you should look into. I read up on it a few years ago for a friend. In NYC, the Sexual Anorexics meeting is actually a subgroup of the SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), even though it's obviously the complete opposite of a sex addiction, so I'm guessing that's why the person suggested you look into Sexual Compulsives Anonymous - because they may be the group in your area that runs the Sexual Anorexics (or Anorectics) meetings. If you don't feel comfortable going to a meeting, then read up on the topic online or buy a book on the topic.

Reflecting back on my experience in the cult made me understand just how big of a betrayal it was, and how I was completely fooled. I think this causes some people to stop trusting themselves, thinking that there must be something wrong with them.

I can't speak for you, but for me, I have spent a long time trying to figure out how to live my life without getting conned again. The simple answer is to just not trust anybody, but for me, that just isn't going to work. A better answer is to change my basic understanding of the world (my internal model of how the world works and how I can predict human behavior and how I can get along in the world). That has been hard, very hard.

To me, sex and man/woman relationship stuff is the most initimate and vulnerable we will ever be, and unless you have confidence that you will not be fooled again, it could be hard to allow yourself to be intimate. Staying single I suppose is a sort-of solution.

By the way, I don't think that there is really anything wrong with those of us that "got fooled", I think that maybe our internal models of the external world might be a little unsophisticated, but I don't consider that to be something "wrong".

Anyway...I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in....

[board.culteducation.com]

I've noticed that after leaving their wives and/or husbands the people going to PSI find they can't find that "number 10 relationship" and start using the internet dating services to find it. In reviewing some of the groups I find that several of the women turn towards these services and they are still having problems. Anyone with thoughts on this subject??