Re: Looking for ex-cult members to share their experience
Date: February 20, 2020 09:11PM
Hello. I have only just barely started telling my story. Because until just a few months ago I was in denial about the abuse. Bare with me cuz its a long one. I am the only daughter of 4 kids I have 3 brothers 2 that I grew up with and 1 that was born later. I had a happy normal childhood until I was about 8 years old. My parents were successful business owners they started it from the ground up and did well. We werent rich by any means but we were comfortable. We met 2 ladies named Char and Silvana when I was 8 years old thru my dads business they had called and wanted to work out by msome kind of trade deal with my parents. We started seeing more and more of them. They started coming to our house and we would go to theirs. My parents would stay the night at their house and they were more and more leaving us to ourselves while they spent time with these women. After a couple of years they had convinced my mom and dad that it was Gods will for their life to sell their house, leave our church and move our family in with them and at the same time told them that they needed to cut the rest of our family completely off. So grandma's, grandpas, cousins, aunts, and uncles. We were never going to see them again because they would try to hinder us from doing Gods will. And plus they judged and scoffed at amd were very snotty to my mother according to her. I cried and cried the first time I was told that I would never get to see my cousins again. We never even got to say goodbye. I worried that they would think we just stopped liking them. But even then my ten year old little self fully loved, looked up to and believed my parents and didnt question,) that they were doing the right thing hell I was even grateful to char and silvana for teaching us the truth about Jesus and saving us from the fallen church with no love)(as they called it). Once we were effectively cut off from our families the physical abuse we endured at the hands of the 4 of them was more like torture. One of my most vivid memories is of my oldest brother being made to live in a shed in the backyard for an entire summer one year. They gave him a bucket to piss and shit in and he was fed something they called slop 3 times a day. Basically just a bunch of the grossest food they could find put it in a bowl and feed it to us and call it slop. There was brainwashing and manipulation char told me one day that if I had been born back in the old testament my parents would have taken me out and stoned me to death. That was kind of shocking to hear that someone you thought loved you felt like you should be stoned to death. What a horrible way to die. I was isolated from any friends. My childhood best friend from before the cult came out to sleep over one time I remember we just had so much fun together playing with my baby brother and watching movies and playing outside. The next day char told me that I wouldn't be allowed to be friends with her any more, as Yahweh had shown that she was snotty and stuck up and if I was allowed to be her friend I would be like that also. That was strange to me because I was not a popular or pretty girl when I was younger in fact quite the oposite I was a bookworm and a nerd... In other words not at all the sort of person that a stuck up girl would want to be friends. with and we had been since the summer before 3rd grade she was truly my best friend and not stuck up at all I was heart broken I wasnt even allowed to call and tell her goodbye or why we couldn't be friends I hated that I didn't want her to feel bad like I didn't like her anymore or something... There were physical beatings also, all 4 of "the adults" as I have always called them in my mind , would be slapping my face, violently pulling my hair and shaking me at the same time or made to do pushups for hours at a time. One of my worst beatings was not long after my parents moved us into Char and Silvanas house. I was made to write a list of every lie i had ever told in my life I came up with 12 that I could think of but they said they knew there were more and kept on until i made a couple hy up just so we could move on with it and get it over with already. I was made to take my pants and underwear off and then was bent over the couch. Then since some of the lies on that list had affected my brothers ( I had gotten them in trouble) they were made to sit down in chairs facing me so they could watch and see what happens to liars. Now that I was fully dehumanized and degraded they all 4 took turns beating me brutally with a belt for each and every lie. That was 4 beatings for each lie and about maybe roughly 15 lies you do the math that's a lot of ads whoopin UTI When Silvana would take her turn it would hurt the worst, but Char was a close second then my dad's. But I remember being a bit grateful when it was my mom's turn cuz it didn't hurt so much just kind of stung a little. After a few rounds of this they started joking that their arms were tired and they decided to take breaks every couple lies. So they would go and get snacks and coffee and be laughing and talking. I was left there bare assed, and barely able to stand hanging over the couch with my brothers left there to sit in silent shock. Char cracked some nasty joke to my dad "you had better clean that couch Doug after your daughters been dripping snott all over the cushions" they all had a good laugh about that, after they finished all the lies on the list they treated me to another round for any lies that I forgot. Char then yelled at me "this took 4 hours, you think this is what we wanted to do with our night?!?!" of course I shook my head no that's all I remember of that night. But I do remember the next day I did something that my dad felt I needed to be spanked for and he put me over the couch and had me pull my pants and underwear down and then he took a step back and sucked in his breath I could feel his shock and horror as he checked out their handiwork from n
I already knew what it looked like as i had looked in the mirror and even tho I knew how bad it hurt I was still shocked. From the bottom of my back to the back of my knees and all the skin in between was not only completely black and blue but also swollen and on some parts where my skin was softer the skin had broken so there was also blood. My dad barely touched me with the belt and it still dropped me to my knees. I instinctively knew or could just feel my dads absolute horror at the way I I didn't looked. He walked out of the room. A few minutes later Char calls me out and she is talking so sweet and friendly to me about how hard that was on me last night but that it broke something in me and that Jesus was gonna be able to move on my spirit now and there would be real change I was so happy about that. She then called me into the bathroom and told me to pull my pants down and she would put Vaseline on my butt I said I could do it but she insisted so i didn't have much choice. This is probably mustmy most awkward and cringy moments with char I didn't want her rubbing stuff on my butt I hated every minute of her fake friendly chatter while she did it but I didn't feel like I could safely refuse so i let her. I think this is the first time that the thought entered my mind that if I was to tell anyone what was happening they would think it was abuse. Fast forward a bit, after 6 months or so of the violent hair pullings bald spots started to noticeably show up on my scalp. Genius that she is, Char flipped my hair over and told everyone to pull from underneath so that the bald spots wouldn't show and the abuse was effectively hidden. I think living in the shed was the thing I was most afraid, of it terrified me I hated being locked in.. I was more afraid of the shed than anything else. And i never questioned it and was convinced that i must deserve it. I would be praying and pleading with God to help me learn to stop being disobedient and snotty and a liar. I knew that I was the worst one. I must be bad why else would the parents that loved me so much do this to me? They were saving me from hell right?! I thought it was Gods will. Fast forward to my 13th birthday, Char chose that day to tell me that i was now at the age of accountability and could go to hell if i died thank you for that char I slept with the light on my entire teen years. I knew demons were just waiting to take me to hell. I'm not a child anymore now but i still suffer mentally and emotionally about this. I endured physical abuse at the hands of this violent woman well into my 30s and often in front of my son Sammy. Char claims she is an apostle of God and yet the doctrines she teaches are directly against the bible. In fact the bible says that if a teacher comes among you claiming to be from God but teaches doctrines that God did not give us then that teacher is not from him. I came to realize last year in October that I was raised in an evil cult. I left, I got out and i thank God for saving me. But I have friends and family that I love still trapped there being indoctrinated and brainwashed. Every mother that was ever in this cult either abandoned their children because "Yahweh" showed Char that, that was his will for their lives, or the children were taken away from them and either placed in foster care like myself and 2 of my brothers (my oldest brother was 16 and was given a choice and he chose to stay home) or full physical custody was given to the other parent. Because one day when I could not take it anymore I snuck the phone and called the police and told them the bare minimum just enough for them to come take me away from the home. I told them that I was living in the shed and that I was scared and didnt want to stay there that night as my dad had just threatened me on the phone that I was in for a session when he got home (my oldest brother was 16 and was given a choice and he chose to stay home) or full physical custody was given to the other parent.. My 2 younger brothers however were only in foster care with me for a few months and then they were returned to my parents. I refused to go back even tho I fully believed I was going to hell for what i did. I decided I would take my chances. I truly believed there was no hope for me so why even try. A person with no hope is a desperate dangerous thing. At 13 years old I started seriously contemplating hanging myself in the shed, another temptation I had sometimes when i was angry was to stab my mother in the chest. The intensity of these ideas that kept creeping into my head were so strong I started to feel very afraid that one day I would snap and in my anger act on it. I'm so glad I chose to call the police instead. It took the violence out of the equation. I didn't have to live with the guilt of stabbing my mother. I stayed in different foster homes and group homes til I was 17 and then me and my parents started talking again and when they offered me to stay with them I went back. Thus began the cycle of leaving and coming back which lasted all through out my 20s.. There is more to this story but i think I will have to do a part 2 another time.... If you took the time to read it all I thank you!