How can I help a family member who used to be in a cult? The situation is difficult because my sister not only feels that she doesn't need any help, but also because she refuses to have any contact with me. I'm sure it's because the cult brainwashed her into thinking that her family is evil.

As a teenager, my sister "Hannah" got involved with a group called the Eastern Farm Workers Association in Bellport, Long Island. At the time, our family was not aware that the group was a cult. They just seemed like they were really dedicated to helping the poor farm workers of Long Island. When "Hannah" turned 18, she moved out of the house and moved to Brooklyn, NY to be with the organization full-time. We were given an address for her but she rarely responded to letters that we sent to her.

In 1989 "Hannah" returned home. She said that she had left EFWA and enlisted in the Army. She needed a place to stay until it was time to report for duty. We thought it was very strange that she had left EFWA because they seemed to have a very strong hold on her. The short story is that while in the Army she quickly met and married someone. She got pregnant and divorced the guy before the baby was even born. She asked our mother to care for the baby when she found out she was being sent to the Middle East for Desert Storm. Mom couldn't do it so that was the last we ever heard from "Hannah". From my research, I discovered that she left her child with EFWA before she went to Saudi Arabia with the Army. She rejoined EFWA after she was discharged from the Army and worked for them until they threw her out in 1996.

Fast forward to 2009. In the years between 1989 and 2009, I had occasionally tried to find "Hannah" through various Internet searches. I could never find an address, phone number or e-mail address for her but I discovered that she was living on the west coast. In 2009, a year after our mother died, I got a lucky hit and figured out that my sister had re-married. I found a profile for her on a message board and contacted her. The response I got was unexpected. Rather than just telling me she had no desire to be in touch with the family, she reported me to the site moderator and said I was impersonating her dead sister. The situation got really crazy in the e-mails back and forth and I struggled to understand why "Hannah" replied the way she did. She denied she was my sister but I visited the MySpace page that she had with the same e-mail address and she made several bizarre posts that confirmed it was really her and that she really did know it was me who had contacted her.

I tried to think why she would react the way she did. I decided that it was either PTSD from being in the Army or it was something related to EFWA. I did some on-line research and discovered EFWA's link to a bigger organization called the National Labor Federation, or NATLFED. I was blown away by everything I read. The articles I read said that NATLFED was a branch of the Communist party, which would explain the Communist dogma that my sister used to spout with a blank look on her face. The articles claimed that NATLFED was really a cult. Everything I read explained so much. I then discovered a blog written by my sister where she talks about her involvement with NATLFED. The blog is a good source of information regarding what it's like to be in NATLFED, but my sister has openly lied on this blog about her family. It was very hurtful to discover what she had written about us. I'm not sure what her purpose was in saying the things she said about us on that blog.

Because of her blog, I've been contacted by a few other people who have tried to talk to her. The first one was a man who was looking for his brother. Instead of helping this man, "Hannah" accused him on her blog of being a cyberstalker and claimed that she successfully sued him for harassing her. This story isn't true. It's very frightening that someone went to her for help and she went psycho. This man discovered her real identity, easily found me on the Internet and we've been in contact ever since. He has been contacted by other people looking for answers and he has since directed them to me. I can't help them. I can't even help my own sister.

I've sent my sister e-mails which she ignores. "Hannah" established a website for family members of ex-NATLFED members so that family members could be reunited. I attempted to join this site but was denied. I sent "Hannah" a friend request on Facebook but she blocked me. I asked my niece why "Hannah" won't talk to me, why she blocked me on Facebook. My niece said that "Hannah" claimed never to have gotten any e-mails from me and that she never blocked me from Facebook. My niece even got her mother to open a new Facebook page (the other one was in the name of the persona she uses for her blog) but "Hannah" repeatedly ignored my friend requests. I told my niece I really want to help "Hannah" but my niece has no idea about her mother's cult involvement or how severe her mother's mental state is as a result.

"Hannah" has made statements on her blog that she's recovered from her cult involvement and doesn't need help, but her blog has shown me over and over again that she hasn't recovered. I'm not sure if she really wants to recover. She was thrown out of a cult she loved. There's a part of me that wonders if she wants to join them again. On her blog, "Hannah" claims that the guy who contacted her looking for his brother is really a woman named Donna who's still in NATLFED and is trying to either recruit "Hannah" back into NATLFED or discredit her for speaking out against NATLFED. She has conversations with people that aren't real, people that she makes up to prove that lots of people are reading her blog. She's claimed on her blog that I'm really dead and that some sicko keeps establishing e-mail addresses in the names of her dead relatives in an attempt to recruit her back into NATLFED. She's claimed on the blog that she's helped several people get out of NATLFED, but I think that's all fantasy. I think she wishes she could help people escape from NATLFED. I think she wishes that someone had helped HER escape NATLFED. Like I said, our family had NO IDEA how bad NATLFED was when she was involved with them.

She won't talk to me. She won't allow me to help her. I am at my wit's end trying to figure out how to help her. How do I help her?

grit:

NATLFED is a destructive cult in my opinion, that has hurt many people.

See [www.culteducation.com]

You might find the following links helpful.

See [www.culteducation.com]

This is a collection of cult recovery articles.

Also see [www.culteducation.com]

This is a directory of helping professional counseling resources. The people and organizations listed have specific experience helping people that have left cults and cult-like groups.

See [www.culteducation.com]

This subsection within the archives contains articles about "brainwashing", which explain in some depth how that process is done.

Also see [www.culteducation.com]

This is a large collection of books avaialble online that can provide meaningful information.

See [www.culteducation.com]

This is an educational DVD about cults.

As your sort through this information you may find it helpful in better understanding and commuicating with your sister.

Hi moderator,

Thanks for the links. There were some very interesting articles in there. It helped me better understand what happened to her. However, there was nothing in there to help me with my situation. I'm right back where I started - with a sister who needs help but won't talk to me and let me help. Like I said, she blogs about NATLFED and is aware she suffers some problems from her involvement with them. Yet she feels she doesn't need any help and refuses any contact with me. Are there any therapists who frequent this board who would be willing to take on this situation?

Grit

grit:

Your sister needs to take the first step.

If she thinks a helpfing professional is necessary she can reach out.

You might email and/or regular mail her the information.

There are resources, but it's up to her to use them.

There is no one that provides professional counseling for ex-members of cults that I know of that would be willing to "take on this situation", i.e. a client "who needs help but won't talk" and "feels she doesn't need any help".

It can be very difficult to free her from a cult. They have endured all kinds of mind control and long periods of being shamed into thinking a certain way. Most of these groups end up keeping friends and family members isolated so that there is no outside support system and they make the member believe anyone who is not involved is evil or corruptive. The best way is to surround them with non judgmental unconditional love. They will already be suspicious of your intentions and feel their only true family are other cult members. My sister is in a cult in Colorado. It is a small church that is run by a woman pastor named SUN EAST WARREN. She has been afraid to talk to me and is under the impression that I have demons that she might end up "catching" from me. All of the members with exception of a couple are completely dependent on this woman and she has brainwashed her into thinking she is the only one who hears from God. It is so creepy. They all receive daily prophecy that instructs them on how to live their life. They are all so afraid of being out of God's will that if they don't obey her every instruction they are in fear the God will "discipline" them. Your sister will only leave when she is ready. The best thing you can do from a distance is pray that God will reveal the truth to her. Always be sure that you do not attack this cult as they become hyper protective and will most likely cut you out of her life on instruction from the leader. My sister stopped spending any holidays or time with me because First Love church told her I was going to cause her to backslide if she associated with me. The people of this cult have no outside friends and even the kids all go to school on the church property and are taught by the other church members. I am sorry you have to go through this too. It is so hard to see the truth and not be able to get through to them. My sister has moments when she will reach out to me and I am trying to make the most of those times in case she ever decides to make a break from her leader pastor Sun Hui East Warren. It is a scary thing when it happens in your own family.

peace be with you,
I understand how desperate we can feel when wanting to help family. My sister is a drug addict and it kills me to see what she is doing. I have only been back almost a year after being away from family for ten, but already, the degree of emotional well-being I have achieved, incited my sister to say something to me unexpected. i didn't think my presence was helping her at all, but when I made the comment "I have to get a life going", laughingly, she replied seriously: "when you do, I will follow".
i wonder if maybe in your case it would be best for you to first help yourself. We cannot give others that which we do not contain within ourselves. If we do not have self respect, we cannot teach others how to respect themselves by not being involved in abusive relationships, etc. Your sister keeps right on abusing you. You keep setting yourself up for her mistreatment. she is feeding off your feeling of helplessness and is controlling the situation. One thing about abusiveness: the women most likely to abuse other women are those women who have been abused by men (abusing other women is an expression of self-hatred). As much as we are victims, we reach for the only method of self-defense/power we are familiar with: abusiveness and high control. So, as much as your sister is a victim, when under stress, she is also a perpatrator. and you not respecting her obvious rejections, is a bit controlling of you. Please don't take that harshly. I have had to face these same issues within myself.
Another aspect of this is: your sister is so desperate for attention and 'persecution' (self-affliction, self-hatred) that she makes up imaginary opposition. What would happen if you stop feeding that 'beast'? She obviously knows you care because you've allowed her to drag you emotionally all over the country, literally and metaphorically. She got your messege and now you can let her be. Let her seek you out (which she will do for a 'feeding') and when she does, respond with clear, immediate, healthy boundaries. But first you have to learn them. Maybe a domestic violence program? They have support groups and group therapies, usually for free anywhere in our country. There is usually a hotline in every phone book. A period of not seeking out your sister may be the act of self-respect you need to give yourself and forgive yourself for not seeing it was a cult in the beggining.

i wonder if maybe in your case it would be best for you to first help yourself. We cannot give others that which we do not contain within ourselves. If we do not have self respect, we cannot teach others how to respect themselves by not being involved in abusive relationships, etc.

QFT

Each of us needs to first become healthy before we can think of helping someone else become more healthy. So don't begrudge yourself whatever it is you need for your own well-being and peace of mind. If you need to separate yourself from people who are "difficult", do so. No need to apologize. Just do it. Think about what YOU need, and meet your own needs first. THEN, as crystal describes, you'll have something to offer others. You'll have a reserve of strength and balance from which you can support someone else. Unless you are well grounded and secure in who you are, you will have difficulty dealing with others - even non-difficult others. It's SO important to have a solid sense of self in interpersonal relationships! So take the time you need to establish within yourself who you are, what your values are, what's important to you, and how far you are willing to go. Get that internal compass in good working order, because you'll need it, especially if you need to interact with troubled people.

when I made the comment "I have to get a life going", laughingly, she replied seriously: "when you do, I will follow".

This is incredibly insightful and important. You can give someone a hand up if you are at a better place. But not until! So get to that better place by taking *good* care of yourself. Think of what you enjoy, and do that. Switch up your habits and patterns - do something different. Prove to yourself that you can do things differently. It doesn't matter where you start - brush your hair before you brush your teeth instead of the other way around. Put on both socks and then your shoes instead of one sock and one shoe before the other foot. It really doesn't matter! START WHERE YOU ARE! That's the best place :)

In the end, each person must walk his/her own path. If you want people to respect you, you have to extend that same measure of respect to them. It can be extremely difficult to see someone thrashing around in agony, but you cannot save someone from himself/herself. Sometimes the best you can do is to simply be there, a constant and supportive presence. No matter what that other person is doing. You don't have to be brought down; you don't have to allow anyone to use or abuse you; but you CAN offer someone what author Dr. Gabor Maté has referred to as "unconditional positive regard." No matter what s/he does, no matter how low s/he stoops, you will always love him/her and think kindly/fondly of him/her. No matter what, you will still *like* him/her. That's incredibly powerful - and rare, unfortunately. CAN you provide that sort of response to someone else? If not, then perhaps you should focus on taking care of yourself for a while instead. YOU have to come first.

I know this will probably sound frivolous and cliché, but a great example of this is this episode from the early 1970s TV series "Kung Fu", with David Carradine - this is the first section: This Valley Of Terror

Here are the other sections:
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6 - End

I think this episode illustrates what I'm trying to communicate. Life imitates art, you know? :}