SBFMoore- I have read the various strings relating to HAI and would like to add a little different perspective.

I met my wife through a couple of interns after two years of workshops and just before I became an intern. I was active for the next eight or so years. We have been married for fifteen years and from the day I met her, we have been in a monogomous relationship. Yes, that means as an intern I did not have intercourse with anyone but my wife. We discussed early on what the boundries were and I kept my agreements with her. At no time did I feel pressure or coersion by anyone in HAI to cross the line. My boundries were respected.

As far as couples are concerned, unless both people are grounded both mentally and in the relationship, I believe going to HAI is risky. The workshops are in large part an exploration of sexuality. Unless the couple is in sync with each other, the opportunities for exploration that one of the partners would find objectionable is very high. Would I recommend HAI for couples? Absolutely not.

You have stated that HAI promotes poly relationships. On that I would have to disagree. HAI promotes the exploration of sexuality in ALL its forms, whether it be hetero, gay/lesbian, bi, poly, etc. as long as it is between consenting adults and practiced responsibly. That is not to say that there are not a lot of individuals who espouse poly lifestyles (which I personally tired of and was not interested in). However, not once did I ever hear any of HAI's officers/directors or facilitators promote that lifestyle over any other. I will admit that I can not say that about some of the interns. I think it would be more appropriate to say that there are many people in HAI that promote poly relationships, but to say the organization does would be a misstatement as many (if not most of us) did not.

I quit HAI on not the best of terms, due to issues between Stan Dale and I. Since he is dead, I don't quite have the same negative energy I once had about the organization nor would I think it appropriate to disclose my grievances. HAI, as an LGAT, has many of the issues pointed out in Dr. Philip Cushman's excerpt posted on another string by rrmoderator. I have personally had issues with HAI relating to some of them, most notably pre-screening of participants. Dealing with dysfunctional people never was one of my strong points.

I never did find my inner-child :)

I met people whose integrity I would not refute, I met many many more that I did not spend enough time with outside the workshops to form an opinion one way or another, and I met a few whom I would not trust at all. I think it is always prudent to have a healthy dose of skepticism when involved with people for short, intense experiences.

I promised myself I would not do another workshop until Stan and another board member were alive. Ironically, both are now dead. Where do I stand with HAI? I may or may not do another workshop (and even then, it would probably be a Level 1). Currently, I am just not interested. In either case, for a number of reasons, I would never get involved the way I did.

The one thing I do admit is that in the end, I am a better spouse, friend, manager, and human being now than I was when I started the workshops. I matured very quickly during that time, re-framing my definition of self. As it turned out, my experience/journey was more spiritual than sexual. Though there were some experiences I would not choose to experience again, in the long run it did work for me.

I truly wish you find peace within and joyous relationships without. It does happen.

Dear InPassing,

Thank you for your thoughtful and instructive reply. I place a lot of value on your experience as a HAI intern, and respect the fact that you chose to leave the group.

Let me say, in passing, that 'an organization' is merely words on paper. There is no such thing as an organization that is not represented by people. The people who represent the organization are held responsible for its activities, i.e., corporate officers and employees can be liable for actions done as representatives of the organization. When a person takes on a role within the organization, their actions speak louder than their words. It is incumbent on the organization to chose their representatives carefully, to ensure that those who represent them act in a manner consistent with the organization that they represent, and to disavow a 'member' who has gone astray so that the member's activities are not seen as representing the organizational goals and purposes.

Thus, when my ex-husband became a member of the inner circle of HAI, and participated as a team member, he gained the 'status' of representing HAI and his actions speak for the organization when his actions 'speak to' the goals and purposes of the group and he hides behind their teachings. The HAI organization and Dennis Jimmink portrayed him as representing HAI and claimed that his actions were appropriate because of the teachings of this organization. He had never taken personal responsibility for his actions, his behavior, or his life. The workshops misdirected his attention and allowed him to become a pawn for the organization.

As you and your wife did, Dennis and I made agreements regarding our sexual involvements with others at HAI. He broke them when it became more convenient for him to do so. I have learned, regrettably, that his word and promise have never had any value and are simply manipulation. Again, you expect someone who espouses the HAI philosophy to have more integrity.

HAI talks about integrity and respecting boundaries. Sometimes it works, as in your case. More often, I suggest that the vulnerable people who get involved with HAI are swept away by the 'groupspeak' and the subtle hypnosis, and they act in ways that they would not act if they thought about it carefully and away from the influence.

I agree with you that a major flaw in HAI is that there is no pre-screening of participants. They want as many people as possible to sign up....they want the money. Dennis should have never been allowed in because of his emotional fragility. I believe that he has a diagnosable mental disorder. He needed one-on-one therapy. The emphasis on sexuality, as you have poignantly pointed out, was probably the worst thing that he could have done. I suggest that HAI would not exist if they had appropriate pre-screening and did not make their decisions based merely on the money.

I continue to emphasize my opinion that HAI abuses vulnerable and emotionally fragile people, especially women, for the purpose of sexuality. Whether we like it or not, society tends to teach women that they can "catch" a man by using sex, and that sex opens the door for fulfillment in life. Women go to HAI looking for a relationship; men go to HAI looking for easy sex. Every woman that I have met who is involved in a poly relationship says that she would prefer a one-on-one committed relationship, but she feels that she is never going to get it, or she is resigned to accepting the fact that the man in her life insists on the group-sex and she must put up with it if she wants to stay with the man.

It is my position that emotional issues should be dealt with before an emphasis on sexuality, not the other way around.

I appreciate your wish for peace in my life. I am pleased to report that my life is beginning to straighten out.

After posting, I must qualify one of my statements. At the time I was leaving HAI, there was a newly appointed Executive Director who I did hear promote polyamourous relationships.

I self-terminated my involvement in mid-2002, so I can not comment on anything after that point.

I had forgotten how angry I was with HAI, until I went back and read my parting letter to HAI.

Excerpts:
"This whole experience has soured my desire to be a part of this organization. Currently, my take on HAI is that the ideals professed are without substantive action, just words. To borrow a line from Animal House, "Face it XXXX. You f***ed up! You trusted us!" I guess it was a workshop, nothing more. I am grateful I never bought into the "family" concept or I would be extremely bitter by the lack of support and courage this organization exhibited. (My wife) and I have decided to no longer refer clients, co-workers, employees, or friends to HAI workshops. We no longer feel any personal or financial risk is worth taking in order to get people to the workshops.

There have been emails messages....laying the "floundering" of HAI on the feet of the interns for not selling the workshops. What a load of crap! Interns are volunteers who do what they can (some more than others). That's all!! To place responsibility for the success or failure on those who are not part of the decision making process of HAI is scapegoating, not leadership! Every time I have attempted to provide a different perspective, the response has been either a complete abrogation of responsibility or that I should "walk in their moccasins" before espousing my opinions. "Isn't it time you stopped doing the same things over and over again and hoping for a different result?"...

I ask the Board to decide whether this organization is for the perpetuation of workshops or does it aspire to be something greater? What is the vision of the Board? Where is the passion? What actions are being taken to fulfill the mission statement? If you have these answers, why are the not communicated to anyone? That is why you are floundering."


I thought long and hard about putting this out in the public domain and I expect to receive condemnation from active HAI people. My purpose is clear and non-transparent: Though I believe the workshops can be a powerful tool for personal growth, if you choose to get involved, take the ideals professed by HAI with a dose of skepticism.

As I said in a my prior post, the experience was tremendously important to my personal growth. However, I did pay a high price (personal, financial, and professional) for that growth.

InPassing...Your posting has tremendous value because of your in-depth experience with HAI and your willingness to be open and sincere about your thoughts and experience.

Your postings seem to come more from the philosophical realm...you had concerns with whether the HAI actions met the goals that they expressed, and ultimately whether they were concerned with improving the human condition, or just selling workshops. It sounds like you finally reached the conclusion that their words were more of a marketing scheme than representing a group with a genuine and ethical concern about the lives of the people who become involved in the workshops.

My experience was more experiential....I took them for their word and recruited my (now) ex-husband into the fold because I believed their marketing scheme that the organization promoted a healing process that would have made our relationship better. Instead, the emphasis on sexuality, which is the big marketing come-on, engulfed him and he completely forgot about the "us" in us. Ultimately for me, the proof is in looking at the personal lives of the mid-level people who run the workshops, and discovering that they are virtually all living the life of a single person very much involved in multiple sexual contact....The organization is not about improving "relationships" but in breaking them down in a manner where each individual becomes available sexually for others in the group. Even the promoters can't keep their personal relationships together because they are too busy having sex with everyone else!

Like you, I have participated in personal growth groups and training, and feel that I am a better person for it but the value for me has not been in the sexual exploration, but rather learning how to take responsibility for myself and my life.

SBFMoore – You are correct that my post was a commentary at the organizational level and not at the experiential level. I think it is a bit trickier to comment on experiential aspects as experiences vary from person to person, from workshop to workshop.

Your experience is somewhat different than mine and it may mainly be due to gender. Are there people at workshops who exploit vulnerable women? Apparently, yes. My wife concurs with you on that point. I would consider them sexual predators and would bet that they do not even recognize what they are doing. It is a fine line to what is actually consensual when one is being manipulated in a group setting.

As far as the workshops being designed to promote breakups of couples, group sex, and/or poly relationships, that was not my experience either before, during, or after my HAI experience.

According to the timetable you said you took the workshops, I was active and it is highly probable that our paths have crossed. It was never my intention, nor was it of many of the people I knew, to cause anyone pain. I apologize to you and any other woman that experienced exploitation during my time at HAI. It should not have happened and I am truly ashamed for being part of a group of people that would allow the exploitation of women, either intentionally or unintentionally.

This is my last post. I do not think I can add anything else to this string.

Peace be with you.

InPassing and SFBMoore: thank you for that interesting exchange. I have never done HAI but did once attend an Intro. I am very skeptical about HAI (and all other LGAT orgs) and found your discussion helpful in getting a handle on HAI. You both seem to have a well grounded and objective, though somewhat different, perspective.

What strikes me is the success of HAI in promoting secrecy even among "graduates" who are now critical of the organization. As someone who is skeptical and curious, why can't I find out what actually occurs -- other than vague references to sexual exploration? Why are the details unavailable? Are you willing to share them or are you both fundamentally loyal to an organizations that you no longer generally recommend? I have heard some say that they don't divulge the details because many people would never sign up for it if they had known in advance what they were in for. Since the two of you are people who, in retrospect, believe that there is potential and actual harm and no longer generally recommend HAI, why not discuss the details? If you believe that HAI recruits people largely for their money and manipulates them to do things that are potentially harmful, wouldn't you want people to know what actually occurs so they can avoid that harm? Isn't it better if a potential recruit considers, in advance, the wisdom of taking part in activities that may give them pause, outside the influence of the group?

Thanks again.

Please don't consider me loyal to HAI. I believe it is a very destructive group that clings to the "sex will free you" concept for human growth that became so popular when HAI was first conceived in the 70's. They require a pledge from all graduates that details won't be revealed "because the outside world wouldn't understand." If you want to remain in the family, you follow this rule. If you need a comparison, HAI comes from the same genre as the old EST which is now LANDMARK, except HAI is done in the nude and there is a blantant emphasis on nudity and the resulting sexuality as the end-all cure.

I have no problem revealing details that I am aware of. I believe this string, and the other string about HAI, has revealed much that they don't want you to know. However, you have to ask the questions that you want answered....there is a philosophical approach, a psychological approach, a manipulative approach, an approach that breaks down the sexual inhibitions, a personal experience approach, a money approach.....

The people who get caught up in HAI are usually needy and vulnerable, and they seem to be people who need to spend their time with other needy and vulnerable people who can't get their lives together. The failure of HAI is that it becomes a haven for these needy and vulnerable people to wallow in their self-pity and cling to each other for affirmation of their needy and vulnerable status. When a person breaks through the crap and "gets" it, they don't need the family any more.

As a caveat, let me also say that workshops emphasizing personal growth and accountability can be of value for many people. I do not condemn the concept, just this application of the concept and the manner in which these kind of workshops have been bastardized for on-going profits. Personal growth workshops are successful if they put themselves out of business!

I apologize because I made that prior post before reading some of the earlier posts of SFBMoore -- I guess you did provide some details:)

If there is a secret description of each HAI level, has that been posted anywhere? Is anyone willing to share it so that people can really see what HAI is about and then make a truly informed decision before getting involved?

I guess the problem is that almost everybody is needy and vulnerable in some way. I am not sure that it's fair to apply that label to all HAI people as if they are fundamentally different from other people. For example, there are people who truly need sex -- there are single people who are simply not meeting suitable partners and there are people stuck in broken marriages without sex and who are not truly free to end that relationship. So they are needy in that way. Is it a bad thing if HAI presents opportunities for sex, romance and friendship? Or, are you saying that the people who attend HAI are such losers that it would generally be a mistake for a healthy together person (like me) to get involved with any of them?

I understand very well your point of view and I totally agree that HAI is not likely to be a good thing for the spouse of the participant. But what I am trying to determine is whether it is fundamentally an ominous thing (like Landmark?) In other words, if you discount the profound lessons that they claim to offer, you are not concerned about the effect on an existing relationship, and you view it simply as a means to have an interesting experience and meet people, would it be a mistake to participate for those reasons?

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yugteews
I guess the problem is that almost everybody is needy and vulnerable in some way.

In other words, if you discount the profound lessons that they claim to offer, you are not concerned about the effect on an existing relationship, and you view it simply as a means to have an interesting experience and meet people, would it be a mistake to participate for those reasons?

Let me take these two ideas and put them together and suggest that you might be able to answer your own question.

I agree with you that most normal people have moments of feeling needy and vulnerable. I have those feelings periodically. Let me suggest that normal people also find ways of solving their issues and working their way out of bad situations, i.e, a marriage that is no longer working can be ended regardless of the circumstances....it is usually not considered a good idea to secretly seek sex and romance outside of a marriage while the marriage is still in place....usually considered counterproductive!

Second point....If I had a chunk of money and plenty of time that I wanted to spend having an interesting experience and meeting people, I would not choose to spend the money and time at HAI. As I said, HAI is LANDMARK without the clothes. I speak from the experience of someone who took EST and was on the EST senior staff during its heyday. When I figured out that I had "gotten" what EST was, I left. There are a million better ways of parting with your money and meeting interesting people without baring all of your weaknesses and hurts so that someone else can scoop them up and lay them out in front of you for all the world to see and engulfing yourself in the wacky world of sex-first, life-second.

However, you may find it enticing and appealing. Sex really sells!