First, let me disclose that I first took HAI workshops in 1990 and took them off and on for many years. HAI was suggested to me by a therapist that I was seeing as a result of a marriage where my husband raped me on a regular basis. During the marriage, I discovered that he had sexually molested two of his children from a previous marriage for six years. Needless to say, I was a wreck.

Looking back, I believe that those first few workshops were good for me in dealing with the distress in my life, but in looking back, I can also see how the sexual exploitation of women was present and how I fell into it thinking that it was "healing." Whether HAI believes it or not, and whether they admit to it in their training program, they strongly suggest that we can heal ourselves by being nude in a mixed company surrounding; that we can be healed by making ourselves available for others (men and women) to touch sexually and otherwise; and that participating in group sex "exercises" would make us whole again. Women are asked to spread their legs and let everyone look at their vaginas. Women who are desperate for sex find men who are willing to accommodate them. This is not sexual healing....nothing could be farther from the truth.

I've seen situations at HAI when men who admit to being sexual predators and molesters are paired with women who have been abused and molested in an effort to "heal and forgive."

I always felt the peer pressure and the gentle hypnotic encouragement of the facilitators and interns to participate, and I was regularly approached by men, usually married men, to become involved in a "poly" relationship. This really means that the man gets to have as many girlfriends as he can handle, while the wife gently and cheerfully agrees to it. A woman should not have to be the one who regularly and insistently says "no" and becomes ostracized if she does not participate, but that was my experience. If I wanted to be part of the group experience, I was expected to participate in the group experience of free and casual sex.

So, fast forward, I continued to be involved in HAI when I moved from San Francisco to the east coast. In my second workshop in Massachusetts, I was approached by a married intern who encouraged me to become one of his "many women" so that I could be part of the inner circle. After participating once, I decided that I had too much self-respect, and dropped out of everything.

So then, I met someone and became romantically involved. I thought my boyfriend would benefit from the workshops, so I reconnected and we took several workshops together. I thought I would be safe from the harassment with a man at my side. Yes, the BF benefited, we worked on our relationship, and eventually got married.

Lo and behold, my husband (Dennis Jimmink) became mesmerized by the sexual side of HAI and wanted to have an "open marriage" like so many of the other people that we knew there. He has admitted that he was like a "kid in a candy store." Even though I never agreed, he started telling everyone that we had an open marriage and that he was available, like most of the other men, for all the fun and casual sex that he could get. Coming home from the honymoon, he tried to schedule us to go to swinging groups, and finally lobbied very hard for us to become a "polyamous" marriage. When I said no thanks, he told me that I did not meet his needs, and he had a right to gets his needs met elsewhere. That is the lesson that he learned at HAI.

He became the wonderful "comforter" that the women turned to for long private conversations and flirting. He became an assistant, and applied to become an intern. He championed the cause of women who were being sexually exploited by the men, while he was doing it himself. He would go to workshops by himself, and spend nights with the assorted women who offered him their beds.

Finally, one woman caught his eye...Carolyn Bell. She was cute and sexy. I was with him the day he met her at the workshop and saw his face light up with love. He became her guardian angel, and she started calling the house regularly, and then they started keeping their conversations secret through late night cell phone calls. Each time, his face glowed and he would go into another room for a private conversation. He became her "friend" because she needed him for support. When I saw this, I pulled out of the organization, and asked him to do the same. I asked him to become my friend again and to become involved with me in our marriage, and not spend most of his time flirting with the women of HAI. He made a big show of dropping out....except that he secretly kept in touch with his favorites....including Carolyn. Dropping out to work on our marriage didn't last long...a year later he started signing up for workshops again. He says he needs this...it is a cult-like obession for him. It's all the sex he wants...whenever, where ever, and with whomever.

So, fast foward again, last November I found two years of romantic emails between Dennis and Carolyn, including plans for them to sleep together at a workshop. Even though HAI teaches honesty and communication skills, and Dennis is now one of their leaders, he couldn't tell me the truth, but he told someone else that he had been involved with Carolyn and others, and she told me. I have emails to confirm all of this.

Perhaps it is needless to say, but we are now in a messy divorce. Dennis continues to be in love with Carolyn because, after all, she needs him.

This is what HAI means to me....it is a cult where sex is taught....it is a mecca for men looking for free and easy casual sex. It is a place where women are expected to be available when a man beckons...and where men can discard their commitments and responsibilities at a whim when their dicks are hard. It is a place where there is no commitment to improving a relationship (as they advertise) but in improving the sex lives of the leaders of the organization and creating a place where there are plenty of vulnerable women available for the men who are looking for free and easy casual sex at their expense. It is a place where women go looking for love, and where men go looking for sex.

Thank you for that long post. Obviously your feelings run deep. I am concerned that no-one in HAI has seen fit to support YOU in your problems with your husband. This kinda demonstrates where their real concern lies - and its not with vulnerable women.

P.S. Might be best to remove folks actual names?

In my dealings with HAI, especially when my husband and I brought up the major issue of vulnerable women about three years ago, it became very clear that HAI management supported the interns and assistants in their sexual exploitation of the participants. The interns and assistants are the financial backbone of the organization. They made some new rules, but the rules are easy to get around, and they don't really count for anything, especially when the underlying premise of the organization is sexual freedom and polyamorous relationships.

My husband is seen as the great teddy bear...the go-to person when you want some sympathy; the one who will "support" everyone; the one who can always be counted on for a big hug. The means of course, that he is the caretaker who does not have to deal with his own issues. For him, this also means more opportunities for sexual encounters.

I believe I speak truthfully when I say that he simply dismisses my issues and my pain as a situation where we have different sexual appetites and he has a right to have his needs met. Besides, I'm simply a crazy, angry woman who needs therapy.

Quote
SFBMoore
My husband is seen as the great teddy bear...the go-to person when you want some sympathy; the one who will "support" everyone; the one who can always be counted on for a big hug. The means of course, that he is the caretaker who does not have to deal with his own issues. For him, this also means more opportunities for sexual encounters.

Oh I have met some of those!! Teddy bears masquerading as the shoulders to cry on; and a lot of that goes on at the weekends. So there are always shoulders to cry on for vulnerable women (and men). I was used (abused?) when I was on one weekend and feeling down. The person (an assistant in training) offered me his/her arms - but I now realise it was for his/her own benefit and not for mine.

But its interesting that all the assistants and interns that I have come across are a) single, b) not really in a committed relationship, and c) have tendences towards swinging or polyamoury. Never really thought of that before until your post.

On level 3 they have a guided meditation about death and dying. The crying after that goes on for hours. But this is really a hypnotic meditation to teach participants to take every opportunity that's offered because you might die tomorrow. Of course what they're really teaching is that if sex is offered to you then take it regardless of any consequences.

Thank you for your posts.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 06/14/2008 04:32AM by SeekingTruth.

It's not just for men to have all the partners they want. The women are encouraged to have multiples as well, with both men and women.

I went to my first workshop in Aug 2005 and second in Nov 2005. After the whole "walking in the garden" exercise where we were asked to insert a speculum and have the men look at us.... it freaked me out. I started noticing more and more how exploitive it was and I haven't gone back. And I won't.

Good for you for getting out.

I have many memories of the days of sexual freedom...the 70's, 80's, 90's....but perhaps the most vivid is the memory of realizing that I was playing into the hands of (mostly) men who were getting their rocks off by convincing women to be more sexually free. I don't consider myself a prude by any means, but the most powerful word in the language is "No" and we women are ostracized when we use it and a man doesn't get his way. Just think of all the social conditioning that goes into teaching women to be docile, supportive, and to follow the instructions/teachings/requests of our male leaders.

This is what HAI is like....its a slow, gentle, supportive, and masterful manipulation into group sexuality. And, I don't mean to be too harsh...there is a great deal of value in some of the exercises, in awakening sleeping emotions, in learning to love yourself. But, all of that can be done quite successfully without taking your clothes off and without making yourself into the next available vagina.

The "groupspeak" at HAI is based on just that...peer pressure, follow-the-crowd, don't make waves, don't be difficult, don't be withdrawn....come to me my child with all of your pain, suffering, anger, and I will hold your naked body in my arms and fondle you and let you cry until you feel better.

My husband thinks I've got emotional problems because I don't want to play the polyamourous game and I say no to his group sex ideas. I think I've learned to respect myself and to know my boundaries.

"My husband thinks I've got emotional problems because I don't want to play the polyamourous game and I say no to his group sex ideas. I think I've learned to respect myself and to know my boundaries."

So it s ok for you to do the groupsex thing for you but he should not?

SFBMoore and DayDreamer set this up. They are friends.

I know both Dennis and Carolyn, and this NEVER happened. Moore is pisssed because Dennis left her becasue he could not take her paranoia. Both Dennis & Carolyn will be suing over these posts/

This comment sounds exactly like comments he made to me many times in an effort to justify his behavior. Are you Dennis Jimmink masquerading as an anonymous writer?

Yes, I did the group sex thing a long time ago when I was much younger, definitely single, and not in a committed relationship. I made the mistake of telling him, because as soon as I did, he seemed to adopt the position that "I did it once therefore I should be willing to do it again at his beckoning." Somehow, it sounds a lot like "Well, you were raped once, so a second time won't be as bad, will it?"

I made a point of telling him, before we were married, that I had experienced sexual trauma and asked him to be considerate of my history.....and I made a point of telling him, before we were married, that I was looking for a single committed relationship (I recently found some old emails to that effect!) and he said the same thing....and upon signing the marriage certificate, changed his position to wanting a group-sex type relationship.

So, yes, whoever you are, I believe that decisions to participate in group sex should be made by individuals who are single and not in committed relationships. If there is a committed relationship, it should be a very clearly established joint decision and not a decision secretly made and carried out by one partner...it leaves something to be desired in the commitment relationship. It is also something that is not sprung on a spouse upon returning from a honeymoon.

EXPOSITION1, don't assume something that isn't true. I did not "set up" anything, nor am I friends with SFBMoore. I don't know who she is, and I've been a member of this forum since shortly after I participated in HAI level 2 in MICHIGAN. I live in Michigan, and have never really been anywhere else.

And Dennis and Carolyn (whoever they really are) are more than welcome to attempt to sue me for whatever has been said here, because I stand by it as truth. I've said NOTHING with regard to details about them as I do not know who they are. I can only speak for what *I* have experienced with the organization, and I would actually WELCOME some of those things coming out in open court because then the world can see exactly what HAI promotes and it's not all sweetness and light like they pretend.

So if you have something to say to ME, and proof that *I* have done something... then bring it. But do NOT accuse me of something I have not done and attempt to use scare tactics against me. It will not work.