Quote
laarree
Somehow as the movie ended and I came down from the 'shrooms, this fantasy
folded up into its proper proportions in my imagination, and I forswore ever going back to DC ever again. I instinctively
concluded that maybe all the doubts I had, the resistance I experienced, the fear I was gripped by were all sane responses
to a crazy and emotionally dangerous situation I had inadvertently put myself in for several years, rather than symptoms
of my mind running me and my attachments ruling me.

Looking back at all this, I think I was utterly right. At least now I can articulate it, whereas back in summer 1983,
it was more instinct than anything else. I learned to trust myself."

BTW I do remember Jill . And, seeing that you wrote that you had lived in the Delancey Street house in Philadelphia,
I could tell you the story about how the Philadelphia center originated. I planted the seed, so to speak. ;-)

Laarree, I am so glad that you were able to follow your instincts and leave when you could. I think you got to the point when you were ready to move on and you did. It took such courage to stand up to him in that loft. Gavin was gathering up more and more strength to do outrageous things - it was psychologically dangerous to be at the brunt of it. Right before I said my last goodbye as an assistant I had gotten to the point where I didn't want to enroll in any new course. At that point he had all of us renovating a building in Olde City and I mean renovating. We were demolishing it. No more Delancey Street mansions for us. Just dust and soot on 3rd and Arch. We were all sitting around a table in this delapidated building and Jill's mom said to me, "A, sign up for ____." "I don't think I want to this month." Gavin was sitting there and he looked at me and said something like "I haven't slept with you yet because I never really ever was enrolled." Something like that. Well I said back, "I never was enrolled in sleeping with you either." Everyone chuckled, I thought at the time because they knew it was a lie. (How Could Any DC girl assistant not want to sleep with Gavin?) (Even the gay girls were turning [just kidding]). In the end he demoted me from being Deputy Head of Enrollment right on the spot. I was so relieved. I was more than ready to be out of there. I think if I had lived in New York like you it would have been harder to get out. He was doing such nutty things in Philly and he wasn't there very much. That building on 3rd street turned a lot of people off I think.

I'd like to hear about how the Philly house originated. I may have at one time been told the story I think, but I can't remember. I have to tell you L, I do remember you! You're a cartoonist, right?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2008 09:42PM by rrmoderator.

andyb4, I just sent you a Private Message (twice by accident--sorry!).

I was attempting to be a cartoonist way back then, but I sucked. :-(

I believe I know who you are (see the PM).

Hey, everyone -- I've been away for a few weeks because there wasn't much happening on this thread; glad it's picked up!

Quote
laarree
I met Adam at a conference back in June and confirmed that he actually did do the DC course back around 1985, and that he had dated someone named Swansea. I actually have a letter in my files of DC-related correspondence that mentions someone named Swansea.

I remember Swansea. I think she was on staff; I was struck by how such an innocuously pretty young woman could have risen to that position. But she was up to the job. "Ask for the moon!" she would urge; or once, when I was struggling, she gave a response that's still stuck in my head: "Don't make your problem everyone else's problem."

I think she was married, but I can't remember her husband.

Does anyone remember a staffer named Tim?

To all the people writing in this thread.
Last night I googled my name and find myself here on your messages.
I feel that it would be respectful to all of us who were involved in these groups to keep personal names off these pages.
You can share about your own experiences and clear and heal whatever you need to without using specific names of people.
Would you like me to start a blog and write about what you were up to 25 years ago. I don't think so.
Anyway, I know you probably were a friend of mine and have no intention to harm me but I would just like you to think about this.

I would rather share privately.

[Moderator note: Posting contact information is expressly prohibited by the rules. There is a private messaging feature]



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2008 09:48PM by rrmoderator.

prefersprivacy, I understand. I will not use specific names in future posts. With some people mentioned in this thread, I deemed it fair play, as they are media figures and I had web links to share, or they have a current and very visible relationship to Bayard.

If you wish, as your identity is now protected, I would love to know what your take on your time with Direct Centering/Nexus is from this vantage point in time.

I found a brand-new mention of our old pal Bayard in a recently published book, and thought I'd quote it here, as it is of historical interest.

The book is "The 99th Monkey" by Eliezer (aka Eliot) Sobel, and came out in early 2008. [www.amazon.com] The subtitle is "A Spiritual Journalist's Misadventures with Gurus, Messiahs, Sex, Psychedelics, and Other Consciousness-Raising Experiments". From browsing through it, it's quickly apparent that Sobel is still enamored of many of his experiences and his "teachers", but seems to possess enough of a sense of humor and capability for critical thinking that I believe I'll enjoy reading it. He mentions some people and SGATs (small group awareness trainings) that I knew and dabbled in 30 years ago that have produced almost no find-able mentions anywhere on the Web -- forgotten cult-leader-wannabes and aborted cult-lets, if you will. Sobel was involved in producing a New Age magazine called "The New Sun", which for a while published a column authored by Bayard (his byline for these columns was simply "Gavin"), and I believe Sobel did the Direct Centering course c. 1977. I had met him and wound up doing some pen-and-ink illustrations for his magazine.

Apparently Sobel knew Bayard (then known as Gavin Barnes) from his days as an self-proclaimed primal therapist (before he "discovered" what he called Direct Centering), and was a patient in one of his therapy groups for a while.

On pp36-37 of his book is this telling paragraph:

"Eventually a lot of us left Rose to go to a new guy up the block
that we heard was more "present reality-based" and confrontation-
al. His name was Gavin Barnes, a former belt manufacturer without
real credentials who hung out a Primal shingle down in the Village,
and who, when he wasn't running therapy groups, rented his space
out to porno production companies. Imagine my surprise one day
when I spontaneously dropped in to see him, and my friend Jeanie
from our group waved hello to me from across the room, where she
was naked, on all fours, and engaged with two men in various acts
that were probably illegal in some states. I turned down their invi-
tation to play a Hasid at a whorehouse. In any event, Gavin would
eventually kick me out of therapy because I wouldn't take my pants
off in the group. It seems people were always asking me to my
pants off. "

Bayard actually mentions his history as a belt manufacturer on the Immunics website--if I can locate the page, I'll post the link here.

Quote
laarree
Bayard actually mentions his history as a belt manufacturer on the Immunics website--if I can locate the page, I'll post the link here.

I actually found this link today, so here it is, FWIW:
[immunics.org]

It's kind of fascinating-- a fairly detailed reminiscence of B's early life in NYC, and unlike the other more thoroughly woo-woo-filled pages that dominate the public webpages on WHUM's site.

I'm glad that I found this forum. I was involved in Direct Centering, though not as involved as most of you. I took "The Course", as they called it, and I spent one day at a recruiting event in Philly, but that's more or less it. I think (or at least I hope) that the reason for this is that I was always able to maintain a critical distance. But please don't misinterpret this. I don't mean that I'm smarter than any of you, because I'm not. I'm suseptable to the same influences as everyone else. I've spent a big part of life studying all kinds of scams, frauds and cults. What I've learned is that everyone can be taken in by something. We're all vulnerable to something, in our own way, and there's not a single exception to this. What makes people like Bayard so evil is that they take advantage of this flaw of human nature for their own financial and/or egotistacle gain. And they know that young people are specially vulnerable. We all know this now, so please forgive my elementary ramblings.

It was 1984. I was just out of high school. I was at a supermarket and saw that a friend of mine ("V") was a cashier. We talked, and she told me that she and her best friend ("J") are involved in something really great. She said she'll call me about it. She did call me, and we got together a few times. In the end I ended up taking "The Course". It was partly their influence, but not completely. I was kind of lost and without direction at that time in my life. I really thought that it would help me. My Mom was against it, of course. My Dad took est and she saw that it didn't benefit him in any way. My Mom is the smartest person I've ever known. I should have listened to her.

I put down $550 of my own money (when I handed it to "J", I joked, "This comes with a money-back guarantee, right?"). The next weekend the three eof us drove from Philly to NYC. I didn't have a place to stay in NYC, but they assured me that something would be worked out (I ended up staying with another participant, a very nice lady who I kept in touch with for a few years).

I don't remember too much about the course itself. Just little fragments here and there, though I'm starting to remember more as I write this. Maybe some of it was repressed. I do remember that, overall, it started out in a very friendly, light-hearted way. But over time it became increasingly stressfull, frightening and opressive. And the last day (or maybe the last few hours) was light-heated again. They decided that since everyone remaining were now graduates they could make things a little easier for us. They even did a few skits where they made fun of themselves and their recruiting tactics.

There were two main themes of the course. The primary theme, the one that he spent most of his time talking about, had to do with giving up attachments (including, as I remember, our attachment to the idea that we should be getting something out of the course). He also talked a lot about manifesting--the idea that we can have whatever we want just by thinking about it, or wishing for it, or whatever. By the way, these are both very worthwhile ideas, and there is truth to both of them. As a matter of fact, before I took "The Course" I read "Creative Visualization" by Shaki Gawain. She talks about both of these ideas, and as far as mediocre new age books go, this is one of the better ones. Aside from these two general ideas, I don't remember most of what he said during his lectures (and I'm sure you're very thankful for that--i didn't know that this was going to be so long either). but I remember the breaks. I was told by both "V" and "J" that the breaks are the most productive times. That is when you begin to see results.

So what happened during the breaks? We would all kind of walk around aimlessly for a minute or so, and then one of the "associates" (I don't remember what they were actually called) would approach me and start chatting. Small-talk at first. Then it got very confrontational. Lots of yelling and raised voices all around the room. They would talk to you until they found something that you were attached to, and then tell you to just stop feeling that way. They said it like it was as easy as that, and if you questioned them they started yelling.

Here is one thing I remember very clearly:
During one of my breaks, either "V" or "J" approached me and started talking to me about something or other that I was attached to. We actually spoke for about five minutes, and I remember thinking: 'this is interesting. Usually by this time the person is yelling at me'. But I think she was being easy on me because we were friends. After about five minutes, another "associate" who was standing very closely, said to her: "Are you getting the results that you need?". This really pissed me off. It was condescending. I felt like yelling "Go fuck yourself. we're just talking, mind your own business".

And this is something else I remember:
Whenever I think about Direct Centering, this is the first thing that comes to mind. It's an image of Bayard (we called him Gavin) sitting on a really nice wooden chair in the middle of the room, listening to one of the participants who was standing in the front, talking about something or other. I remember looking back and seeing Gavin sitting there, and my two friends were standing on either side of him, massaging his neck, his arms, his hands, while he was listening. Why do I remember this? Because it looked like he was on top of the world. And this occurs to me now. I'm a photographer. There's a famous picture of a different cult leader, sitting on a very nice wooden throne, wearing dark sunglasses, and a sign in the background sais "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it".

I went through all three days and "passed" the course. At the time I was staying with someone who I met there. A very nice lady who I became friends with. During one of the breaks, she left. The pressed the elevator button and got in. While she was waiting for the doors to close about five "associates" were talking to her, trying to change her mind, telling her that she can always come back, etc. I was standing there too, just watching her. I came so very, very close to walking in the elevator with her. But I didn't. Why? I saw the course as a personal challenge. I found all the stuff about giving up attachments to be interesting but nothing more. I was always able to maintain a critical distance. I'm sure that if i took some more courses and got more involved, then they would have broken that resistance down to some degree, but it didn't happen that way.

After The Course was over, the three of us drove back home to Philly. They were still very involved in DC, but I think they communted to NYC on the weekends to make phone calls, etc.
I basically decided that it was all a bunch of new age pseudo-psychology psycho-babble. I'm thankful that they didn't really do very much damage to me (I didn't give them a chance to). V and J are a different story.

One last memory, and this is actually one of the greatest regrets of my life. A few weeks later, "V" and "J" were back in Philly, and they wanted me to help out at a recruiting event, which was at their home. They had flyers made and they put them up and about 50 people showed up. They even gave me a nametag that said I was some kind of counselor or something. Even though I wasn't involved in them anymore, at this point I did have some mixed feeling about it. I remember that one man was really on the fence about taking the course. When were talking he asked me for my phone number. I wrote it down on a small piece of paper. Now when I think of this I see it in ultra, ultra, super slow motion. I'm writing down my phone number, and the whole time that I'm writing it, I'm thinking about writing "Scam" also, and then crossing it out right away, so he sees it but no one else can. But I didn't do it, and for all I know he took the course and became just as damaged as my two wonderful, beautiful friends (I think they're both doing fine now, but one can't be too sure when time and distance separates people).

I honestly don't care about myself. After I took "The Course" I was damaged. I was very confused. But not for too long. A few months or maybe a year at the most. But I care about my friends very much, and if i ever run into that fucker again we'll see who's left standing (I'm a little bigger and stronger than him, but on the other hand I think we all are--have you seen his picture lately?).

Hey SunsetSam, thanks for posting your story here. I'm glad you were relatively unscathed by your Direct Centering experience. You alluded to a classic photo of Jim Jones--I was a DC assistant back when the Jonestown massacre took place. It's amazing in retrospect how I and everyone else at DC downplayed its cultish nature -- we even gleefully joked about "drinking the lunch drink" during the Courses, a callous reference to the poor residents of Jonestown who were forced to drink the poisoned Flavor-ade.

Bayard/Gavin certainly is looking, well, lean if not scrawny in his Youtube videos, but never underestimate the strength of those who believe that God talks to them, as far as an ass-whooping is concerned.

I'm curious --what got you thinking about Direct Centering that you found this forum thread (presumably thru the magic of Google)?

Quote
laarree
Hey SunsetSam, thanks for posting your story here. I'm glad you were relatively unscathed by your Direct Centering experience. You alluded to a classic photo of Jim Jones--I was a DC assistant back when the Jonestown massacre took place. It's amazing in retrospect how I and everyone else at DC downplayed its cultish nature -- we even gleefully joked about "drinking the lunch drink" during the Courses, a callous reference to the poor residents of Jonestown who were forced to drink the poisoned Flavor-ade.

Bayard/Gavin certainly is looking, well, lean if not scrawny in his Youtube videos, but never underestimate the strength of those who believe that God talks to them, as far as an ass-whooping is concerned.

I'm curious --what got you thinking about Direct Centering that you found this forum thread (presumably thru the magic of Google)?

Something happened recently that made made me think of Direct Centering. So I thought I'd write a little about my experience. I've actually been reading this forum for many years without writing any messages. I think it was Google originally.