Re: Help me, please. Landmark has eaten my true love.
Date: February 08, 2008 04:19AM
In some ways this website is keeping me locked in to my ex, in other ways it is saving my life. I just need to write what I'm going through because I can't do anything but think about it. Writing is cathartic, so excuse me if I ramble a little.
I spoke with a good friend of mine from high school last night, she's known me for almost 20 years. She's just been through a bad divorce and we talked about the irrational world of the heart, and the hell-realm of heart break, and the terrifying moment for her when she realized she had no control over her heart at all.
When I told her what est was, what Landmark is, she was horrified, though she also had to laugh when I explained the jargon and the people getting up and weeping into the microphone. Of course she found it impossible to imagine doing that with strangers. It runs counter to who she is, just like me. It's just embarrassing and distasteful. And she had a horrible childhood with an abusive father. Much worse than my ex who, despite his physical problems, had family support and love. But she doesn't need to spend $550 to see what's obvious in a weekend, she knows how her father has hurt her and shaped her life, and she looks to her closest friends and family to help her understand and accept and enjoy her world. She probably would benefit from seeing a qualified therapist over a long period, but actually, she does pretty well working through her pain. We help each other. She's a very strong woman, and even though she falls into pits sometimes and becomes depressed, she fights her way out on her own, and becomes stronger for it every time. I've seen this. She doesn't have illusions about life, she knows it's hard, and there are no Big Answers, and she prides herself on surviving well and being her own person. She has natural integrity (doesn't need a lesson on it, thanks) and is a really good friend. I'm proud of her. She is SO much stronger than my ex.
This morning I was up before dawn thinking about my ex, and realizing with new clarity just how shocking is his lack of critical thinking, how weak is his character that he could shell out so much money and walk into LE holding his blinders up, hoping for immediate answers. And worse, finding them! And, like taking a new drug, finding relief from his pain. And then coming out of it with new acceptance of the fact that he just didn't want a commitment with me.
But, he did. He wanted it, but he was struggling with it. Struggle is okay, struggle leads to growth and strength. But since Landmark he seems resigned to the loss of all that was beautiful and special between us. This rare thing, true love, this sparkling jewel that made ME willing to accept many things about him that were very difficult, including a genetic illness. I was willing to accept so many things.
But he has a "hard time with commitment," and he's just going to give into it now, give into his fears, and throw away this love and hurt me terribly because it's not easy for him to do otherwise. He's a child. He's not a man.
Landmark seems like a philosophy that tells him nothing matters and gives him mind control techniques so he doesn't have to feel as much, doesn't have to operate from the entirety of himself, only from some right-brained alpha state where he doesn't have to hear his own thoughts and feel his own fears.
But how does this really change a person? How does this really help? It's not helping a person to really learn and grow, it's giving them a method to be functional in a way that makes them feel better because it's like an alternate reality. They've sort of pushed their "old" selves down and away, or off to the side (in the left brain, maybe) and their "new" self is just "in the moment." I don't think this is healthy, or integrative.
The Landmark people who post on this site, always trying to apologize and promote LE, they seem so energetic and happy and certain of themselves and of LE. Their lives are GREAT, they've made HUGE changes and transformations. But I've seen that it's all on the surface. Whenever anyone scratches that surface, really probes deeper into these people, they're a MESS underneath all that brain washing. Maybe it isn't always true, but I've seen it every time someone from LE debates someone on this site.
Anyway, I felt better this morning, lying in bed and seeing clearly what a fool I am for giving this shallow, screwed up person any more of my energy. I am a strong, complex, courageous and sane person and I deserve someone who is also this way.
But then I checked my email and saw that he never replied to the last letter I sent him, and my heart just caved in again. Caved in. Hollowed out, collapsed.
This is going to be a long road.