The apparent emphasis on sex, sex and yet more sex is not surprising in a programme born out of the 1960s flower power era of free love. This was primarily in California, where unsurprisingly HAI still appears to be strong. I too am puzzled as to how you can truly 'love' anyone in a weekend. You can form an aquaintance with someone, or you can have physical sex, but that doesn't mean that you actually 'love' him or her. The sexual urge, once awoken, is very strong so even respect might go out of the window. I hear that in later levels free-form exercises in the group Room of Love (of course) are available at which anything may go. That to me sounds a bit like license for a sexually oriented orgy even it is is in a small group or otherwise! See what I mean - flower power of the 1960s!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2008 08:05AM by SeekingTruth.

HAI teaches people about love in a variety of ways. Probably different people you ask would provide different examples. For me, thinking about it, HAI teaches about love through:

- creating a variety of forums for us to learn what is going on for each other through words, helping us learn to understand people at deeper levels. Many, if not most, exercises have discussion components where we learn to both support each other and learn to share our own internal processes. (For me the support came easily. Sharing has sometimes been a stretch – the stretch has helped me pay attention to some of the ways I can keep myself distant from others.)
- supporting people sharing their truth even when the truth is critical of HAI, an exercise or a facilitator
- the leaders modeling support and compassionate non-judgment,
- participants being supported by team members in a variety of ways including from being available to be called into exercises if the participant prefers to work with a team member, being awoken in the middle of the night if someone wants to talk, help packing belongings for participants who want to leave, checking in with participants on their well-being…

My definition of love is caring for another’s well being. It is about compassion in action. I’m not sure I have ever heard HAI define love (but if you want I can research a formal answer).

On intimacy, I like HAI’s definition of “into me you see”. Intimacy is about letting folks see what is going on for us and learning to pay attention to what is going on for others.

On the time question about it taking time to love someone, I have mixed reactions. I started loving my 85 year old next door neighbor as soon as I met her. Although our friendship has deepened with time, the love began quickly. Love is a choice. I also believe there are different types of love.

For me, I am cautious of romantic love/relationship moving too quickly. My heart may start to open early, but at what point does it become love? I don’t know.

For workshop participants, I make a choice to love them – to care and be willing when I go on team to support them in any way they need that is not in conflict with my ethics or personal boundaries. This has led to being a late night shoulder to lean on, carrying people’s bags barefoot over long distances, leaving the workshop to go to town to get medical supplies…As I have said before in this thread, the love I hold for participants is different from what I hold for my family but it is still compassion in action.

One can have love without sex, sex without love or both sexuality and love together. Sometimes in life, people get confused about there being 3 possibilities. Like Seeking Truth, I do not believe that connections that come out of participating in an exercise together or a short term attraction to another are love.

Siofra

Interesting response and I guess from the heart. Thank you. BUT just how genuine is the concept of the 'Room of Love' and the use of the 'I Love You' hand sign. This latter is starting to appear all ovet the place including on Amercian Idol 2008!! I think that during such intense HAI weekends there is a HUGE amount of superficial 'love bombing' - a concept used by many cults and pseudo-religions to 'hook' and retain potential recruits or members. Yet as soon as a member begins to question the tenets of that organisation the 'love' is quickly withdrawn together with the 'friendships' - so the pressure to conform and believe is strong. It appears that this is how HAI works.

I can’t answer the question as framed because I believe concepts are just concepts and not things that can be verified. The “Room of Love” is a concept, an intention that people step into. The intention is about creating a place where people are treated well. (It may be just a concept but it is one I wouldn’t mind seeing more widespread in the world!) The use of the “I love you sign” is a signal of support. It isn’t saying I want to bring you home, be sexual with you...participants are taught it is mostly about sharing empathy or support. It is love but a pretty simple form of it.

When I think of love bombing, I think of members of an organization being all over me, trying to influence my thinking and actions – in particular pushing me to do something that results in my providing more recruits or providing more money. While love is a goal within HAI, it isn’t about getting me to do anything. Participants are told about the next level and invited to come. It probably gets 2 minutes of airtime. Invite your friends to do a workshop probably gets 1 minute. There is nothing in team training about driving enrollment. And, as I have said before, I disappeared for 3 years between my level 1 and level 2 and didn’t get a single recruiting call.

As for cutting people out over being critical, I have never seen or heard of it. Probably there have been some instances over the years of individuals distancing themselves from people who were highly critical but in my +/- ten years around the group in 2 locations I haven’t seen or heard of it yet and, yes, I have met folks with a variety of criticisms which are openly voiced. The organization doesn't try to adapt to all criticism which comes its way but facilitators do listen and treat the person with the criticism with respect.

You refer to the pressure to conform and believe being strong – there is a partial truth here. I believe the group momentum to value the experience is strong and that can have an emotional impact. How long that momentum lasts after the workshop ends probably varies. For me, after workshops I go through a shift from workshop intensity to seeing what is left after the intensity fades...for me it usually lands as a memory or a piece of personal growth I want to continue working on. It feels more introspective/about me than focused on HAI.

Siofra

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siofra
You refer to the pressure to conform and believe <as> being strong – there is a partial truth here. I believe the group momentum to value the experience is strong and that can have an emotional impact. How long that momentum lasts after the workshop ends probably varies. For me, after workshops I go through a shift from workshop intensity to seeing what is left after the intensity fades...for me it usually lands as a memory or a piece of personal growth I want to continue working on. It feels more introspective/about me than focused on HAI.

What concerns me is that the peer group pressure to join in *everything* is very strong as engineered by the facilitators. Sure they always state that 'participants are at choice' but it is impossible for anyone to make any real choice when the secrecy surrounding the exercises is so high. Why don't they treat participants as the adults they are and state what each exercise is trying to achieve and what activities are involved in advance, thereby allowing everyone freedom of informed choice rather than having to make a choice constrained by the assumed trust that the facilitators will always have every participant's best interests at heart?

It seems to me that the HAI programme is designed to break down participants' mental barriers from their upbringing, from cultural or religious mores, and from general attitudes towards others. But I support DayDreamer's point that intimate sexual activities of any kind belong to commited couples and need to be enjoyed in PRIVATE not in public be this in a 'Room of Love' or anywhere else for that matter.



Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 03/22/2008 07:10AM by SeekingTruth.

In reading your post I felt several different perspectives.

On one level I agree with you – clear explanations in advance allow for a different level of choice prior to the exercise. It allows you to choose based on your processing of the information.

On another level, I reflected that HAI emphasizes teaching us how to be conscious of how something is landing with us and how to make conscious choices that serve us moment by moment. I think not knowing the details creates a better experiment for us to learn monitor ourselves and learn to make moment by moment choices that serve us.

An additional reflection I had is that almost no personal growth training I have done including a variety at Esalen, Omega, Body Electric, Integral Institute or various tantra teachers do what you would prefer. It seems the model for personal growth training, in general, is based on a different model than the one you recommend, regardless of whether the workshop is sexual. Frankly, I have done some breathwork in non-HAI workshops where I would have loved to have advance warning, if only to use my asthma inhaler before our exercise!

I have partial agreement with your statement about HAI helping participants break down barriers from their upbringing. I see HAI creating an environment where people become aware of where their real boundaries are. For some participants this means taking down barriers that may have come from their upbringing, for others it may mean putting barriers in place where previously there weren’t any or they weren’t as conservative as what the individual needed. I have seen more than one participant use HAI workshops as places to learn how to recognize that their previous promiscuity was hurting them and that they needed to tune into their feelings better and say no earlier or more often.

As for your preference to keep sexuality private, I can see your point. Part of what I have learned over the years is that some people have much wilder senses of what is appropriate than I do, others have more conservative ones. I’m probably close to the midpoint – I accept others making different choices than mine. I don’t come close to being fully sexual in any workshop environment (including those much more sexually focused than HAI) and in my non-workshop life, sexuality is only present in long term committed relationships.

It seems that the upcoming Level 1 has been canceled due to a lack of Participants. That’s a great start!! Hopefully the other levels will have the same problem and we’ll be able to shut down HAI Midwest.

Anyone know what's going on in the UK? I've heard that the main sponsors have just resigned.

You're right that the UK directors have resigned, to focus on their own business, "Intimacy Works". This appears to apply HAI principles, but working mainly with couples in workshop or couple-to-couple situations.

The UK HAI business is now being run by a loose team of volunteers, mainly people who have been with HAI for a while, and who have been involved in assisting at HAI workshops.

HAI is also struggling to attract new attendees to HAI workshops in the UK, and in the last year or so, several have been cancelled or moved back in the schedule.

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effort32refuse
You're right that the UK directors have resigned, to focus on their own business, "Intimacy Works". This appears to apply HAI principles, but working mainly with couples in workshop or couple-to-couple situations.

The UK HAI business is now being run by a loose team of volunteers, mainly people who have been with HAI for a while, and who have been involved in assisting at HAI workshops.

HAI is also struggling to attract new attendees to HAI workshops in the UK, and in the last year or so, several have been cancelled or moved back in the schedule.

Hooray! Now if only we could get things canceled here. I am truly hoping it happens.