Something Diashto said a while ago made sense to me. He called HAI a hippie love-fest (or words to that effect). In a way, he's quite right.

That free-love bull from the "good old days" of the 60s... if it was THAT valuable and worked THAT well, it would be mainstream by now.

A little less than a year ago, I was very much involved with HAI. My first workshop was in August 2005, and second was November 2005. I had my birthday party in October 2005, and invited people that I was absolutely SURE cared about me. Many of them were in HAI. I am currently faced with the challenge of planning this year's birthday party, and the guest list is MUCH different. The reason for that is I can no longer be sure which of the HAI folk truly care about me, and which of them had/have ulterior motives - either of getting me naked/in bed with them, or trying to get my money, or trying to influence me in some other way.

It's a very unnerving prospect to realize that people I had blindly trusted are simply not trustworthy. There are three people who are still involved with HAI that I would invite to my party - dbvanhorn and his wife, and a woman that I knew for several years before HAI. The rest of them, I don't think I could be comfortable with them.

I have to think about what this says about me, as well. Why did I buy into the HAI party line for as long as I did? What was so lacking in me that their line of pseudo-psycho-love-babble actually sounded believable?

I guess the most important thing I've learned is that HAI preys on people's insecurities, tells them what they so desperately need to hear... and then takes advantage of it.

I'm afraid I'm still too tied up at work to participate as fully in this discussion as I would like to. Hopefully, the late nights and weekend work will be ending in another few days! :)

I did, however, wanted to respond quickly to DayDreamer's comments about HAI as hippie 60s stuff and also about her feelings of having thought people in HAI were her friends when they weren't.

A few days ago, I got curious about the hierarchy that this discussion appears under--"Large Group Awareness Training" or "LGAT," for short. I started searching LGATs. While I didn't find a whole lot, what I found was pretty interesting.

* Almost all LGATs are spinoffs of the "encounter groups" of the 1960s.

* Most are led by persons who have none of the degrees traditionally required to practice psychotherapy--lots of hypnotherapists and people trained in marketing and organizational behavior. (You know--organizational behavior--the kind of stuff HR folks are trained in? Raise your hand if you have ever had an HR person that you truly trusted!)

* Most required an agreement to secrecy about what goes on in the workshops.

* Most put pressure on attendees to recruit others.

* Most allow no access to the workshop leader except when he or she is actually conducting the workshop. I know that I was surprised that at HAI workshops, the leaders did not eat with us or even speak to us really when the workshop was not in session. In other words--these "leaders" are basically showmen, putting on a performance for the attendees. You wouldn't except to go to a concert and have the performer come sit down with you during the intermission, now would you?

Also, studies are showing that--while attendees often claim to have received huge benefits from the LGAT, that, when their behavior has actually been studied, that few actual behavioral/psychological changes were apparent.

While I will continue to participate in the HAI discussion, I now think that if I really want to get something done about these organizations (and I do) that I need to look at the larger picture. These folks are essentially practicising psychotherapy without a license.

DayDreamer, don't feel bad about thinking HAI folks were your friends. They certainly TOLD you they were your friends often enough. That's what the whole HAI culture is like. My former boyfriend has been totally duped by these folks. He really thinks they care tremendously about him, and from what I have observed, I don't think they'd walk across the street to dust him off if he get hit by a car. This man has a Ph.D and programs satellites! In other parts of his life, he applies the proper skepticism. Somehow, he is unable to apply that with HAI.

DayDreamer, I think that you should congratulate yourself that--on this coming birthday--that you have come to know yourself better and also to see people--and their often-not-honorable intentions--more clearly. Happy Birthday!

Two Web links, and then I've got to go:

A history of the "feel good" counterculture in San Francisco. Notable items on the timeline include Stan Dale founding HAI (except it was called "The Stan Dale Sex Workshop") at the time. Jim Jones and the People's Temple make the same list.

[www.sfweekly.com]

Also, here's the best Web site I've found on LGATs--it includes a list of "Red Flags" to be wary of. (Scroll down the page to the red box--it's a long page.) You will recognize that many, many of them apply to HAI:

[perso.orange.fr]

Hello, I have been reading the posts about HAI and I am amazed and amused at how it all appears from the outside. Part of my amusement is recognizing myself a few years ago when I had never been to a workshop. I was dating a gentlemen who said he would never consider a more serious relationship with anyone who had not been to at least HAI level 1. Well he got me curious and I like to think I am brave so I went. (The result by the way is I broke off that relationship because I discovered through HAI's workshop that we were ill suited.)

HAI workshops create a safe space to look inside ourselves and support in handling the many human emotions which can emerge when we do. And I mean safe - it is literally impossible for anyone at a workshop to be pressured. Anyone doing pressuring is going against HAI principles and would have to manage it without being caught by any of the staff - or other participents who get it.

The staff consists of two paid facilitators and up to 20 volunteers who have recieved training on how to support workshop participents without interfering in their process. The fact that so much of HAI is volunteers should tell you that people find value in it.

As for the nudity thing, it if funny that nudity is so important to people that is causes them to throw the baby out with the bathwater. First thing - there is no requirement to be nude, there just is no requirement to wear clothes either. Workshops are "clothing optional" past a certain point - that means you have an option with regard to clothing. Nudists are welcome and so are people who wear clothes the whole time. In fact the nudity is presented as a choice - in fact everything is presented as a choice - and HAI requests we each choose for ourselves and each respect other people's choices.

Is there sex? Well I defy you to invite 50 adults off for a weekend of anything and not have some of them hit it off. After 23 years in the USAF I can tell you that even in basic military training men and women found each other - even if they had to hide in a dumpster! Have I had sex at a workshop? No and I have been through 4 levels of the Love, Intimacy, and Sexuality workshops. Do I think they have something to offer? Well I told a gentlemen I was dating that I couldnt get serious with him until he went to Level 1 (just Level 1) and understood the language I was speaking and what I meant. He went, we are married now. We are (personally) totally monogamous and intend to go to future workshops together.

Does that help anyone out there? It's not a cult folks, just some personal growth workshops that are very very good at what they do and the impact they make on people's lives.
EAO

I am a newcomer to this thread (having just been told about it by a friend) but am writing to share my experience – which comes from a different perspective….I am a HAI intern.

It is not surprising to me that people have different reactions to HAI – that is true with any experience. Personally, it wasn’t a fit for me when I attended my level 1 and I didn’t come back for 3 years. After returning to level 2, it felt useful and I continued on to become both an assistant and an intern, although it took me over 6 years before I got around to completing the 7 levels. I stepped back from actively serving on teams a year ago as my personal development work was calling me in other directions.

I became an intern to learn more about how to love well. When I go up on team, I am there to support a room full of people for a weekend. I see it as a service meditation. I have learned a great deal about love as a participant and as a team member and I can say with a lot of joy how deeply the work transformed me. It has not changed my values or my sexuality. It has, however, helped me learn to lead more with my heart than my head (I am another of those well pedigreed folks) and to blossom into a more vibrant, confident, compassionate woman.

I have raised two sons who have been given full access to sexual information but who at 18 & 21 have chosen to remain virgins. When I have asked them why, one told me “I have too much respect for other people to play casually with sex.” The other told me, “I have too much respect for myself.” I believe my experience as a HAI intern has helped me raise these amazing well grounded young men. I am not a spokesperson for HAI yet I am writing this in hopes it gives you another perspective on some of the people you are speaking about.

I was shocked by some of the assumptions posted about HAI and HAI interns because it was so different from my experience or from what I see. To give a simple example – I am not poly, not a swinger, not bi, practice celibacy for years at a time and not only don’t prey on participants – I actively avoid participants in workshops where there is any attraction energy in either direction. (And yes, I am approached about dating often but decline.) I am sexual only in long term committed relationships. Yes, some team members make different choices in their personal lives than mine, yet I believe this diversity benefits the participants. There are folks who are in long term monogomous marriages, folks who are dating one person, folks who are poly...just like in the participant group.

In my HAI intern selection process and in our trainings the level of responsibility for creating safety and the sacredness of the trust is well drilled into us – as an active intern, I trained 300 hours over 2 years in addition to my time serving at workshops.

Are mistakes ever made in the selection process? Unfortunately, occasionally – just as occasionally we date someone for many months or years before we learn part of their nature we didn’t understand before. Team members who cross the line (as the one did who expressed an interest in dating on the follow-up night) are subject to an Accountability Council. And yes, people have been told they can no longer serve on team.

Do I believe HAI is a cult – absolutely not. As a team member I have been trained to support people 100% in their choices including the choice to leave the workshop. One of the things I cherish about HAI is the respect for each person doing what works for him/her. Do I believe HAI is for everyone? No, yet I have seen many people benefit from this work.

In my time with HAI, I have never crossed a safe sex boundary (doing anything where I had to worry about sexual safety) or dated a participant who I met when I was on team. I have never been coerced to do anything I didn’t want to do. I have attended other sexual education programs to broaden my understanding of this type of education and my experiences have only helped me appreciate HAI’s approach more. In other non-HAI workshops, I have been appalled by the lack of apparent choice and have sometimes disrupting the activity flow to say “no thanks”.

Having shared a lot about my experiences here (I'll get shy after I hit 'submit'), do some people who attend HAI workshops make different choices than mine? Sure. HAI, like other growth workshops, is a melting pot of people at different levels of psychological development, with different personal inclinations and different needs. These individuals are responsible for their choices. I can’t claim to speak from all of these perspectives, I can only share mine and hope something I have shared gives you some different insights.

I would like to respond to both eaonderko and siofra’s recent postings--sorry, but I am unable to use any of the formatting--it doesn't work on my computer for some reason, so I can't do quote boxes.

First of all, I am say that, unfortunately, I feel disappointed that neither of you seems to have taken the time to read all the posts thoroughly before getting involved in this discussion. The reason I say this is because you both seem to be missing one key point:

eaonderko wrote:

"Hello, I have been reading the posts about HAI and I am amazed and amused at how it all appears from the outside."


siofra wrote:

"I was shocked by some of the assumptions posted about HAI and HAI interns because it was so different from my experience or from what I see."


The majority of the folks posting to this discussion are people who have been involved in HAI workshops. They are not “outsiders,” nor are they posting “assumptions.”

We are posting our own experiences with HAI.


By implying that we are outsiders with assumptions, I feel that you are demeaning and attempting to discredit what we have to say about HAI. Even if what we report pains you, perhaps you (and the entire HAI organization) need to listen.

I’m want to post separate responses to both your remarks as well, where I will specifically address what you wrote, because it’s too long to put in one message.

Further Reponse to eaonderko:

Sorry, but your remarks about how you got involved with HAI remind me of:

Are You "UNDER THE INFLUENCE" of a Destructive Group or Belief System?

© 1998 by John D. Goldhammer and Prometheus Books.


Here are a couple of examples from Goldhammer's test quiz:

* Does your group have its own unique words, cliches, slogans, chants, prayers and doctrinal phrases that reinforce the group viewpoint?

eaonderko wrote: "Well I told a gentlemen I was dating that I couldnt get serious with him until he went to Level 1 (just Level 1) and understood the language I was speaking and what I meant."

* Do you see less and less of your family and friends who do not belong to your group or who do not subscribe to your group’s belief system?

eaonderko wrote: "I was dating a gentlemen who said he would never consider a more serious relationship with anyone who had not been to at least HAI level 1."

* Do you find yourself thinking in a we-they, us-versus-them mind set?

Well, eaonderko, because you characterize remarks by our other posters as being “from the outside,” it would seem to me that this bespeaks an “us-versus-them” view of the matter.

Perhaps you (and others involved in this discussion) would find it interesting to do the entire quiz at the following Web site.

[www.caic.org.au]

I'm sure that you do genuinely feel very positive about HAI, and I am trying to respect your opinion, even if I strongly disagree. But really, I think you should take a good hard look at what you're saying, because, to me, these remarks fit the category of "red flags" about the organization that I think you yourself should question.

Further Reponse to siofra:

siofra wrote: "HAI, like other growth workshops, is a melting pot of people at different levels of psychological development, with different personal inclinations and different needs."

This is yet again stating a very good reason that HAI (and other large group awareness trainings) shouldn’t be essentially practicing psychotherapy without a license! A lot of very psychologically vulnerable, damaged people come to HAI looking for help, and many of them would probably be better served by seeking a real, licensed psychotherapist. Well-meaning amateurs (like HAI interns) are not equipped to do this sort of work.

siofra wrote: "In my HAI intern selection process and in our trainings the level of responsibility for creating safety and the sacredness of the trust is well drilled into us – as an active intern, I trained 300 hours over 2 years in addition to my time serving at workshops."

And your own love and family relationships didn’t suffer for the huge amount of time you spent doing this 300 hours of training? My own ex-partner (upon becoming first an assistant and then an intern when he actually had the bandwidth for neither), made it very clear to me that HAI came before our relationship, which I thought quite peculiar for an organization that was supposedly about building loving relationships. Finally, we didn’t have much of a relationship at all—he just wanted to be at HAI or with HAI people all the time and was always telling me that I didn’t have the “right” view of things—the HAI view.

siofra wrote: "Are mistakes ever made in the selection process? Unfortunately, occasionally – just as occasionally we date someone for many months or years before we learn part of their nature we didn’t understand before. Team members who cross the line (as the one did who expressed an interest in dating on the follow-up night) are subject to an Accountability Council. And yes, people have been told they can no longer serve on team."

Again, HAI is practicing psychotherapy without a license, and it is potentially harmful. Even with training, an intern or assistant is not guaranteed to be psychologically fit, have the right (unselfish) motivations. Also, the fact that an intern or assistant serving in a counseling role can approach an attendee after only two or three months’ acquaintance and propose a sexual relationship is totally folly and against all the best practices of license psychotherapists.

My own ex-partner told me why he wanted to be an HAI intern: (a) because he liked looking at naked people and (b) because he wanted to meet potential new sex partners. Funny thing—he never mentioned learning about love, helping others, or these other things that you say are meaningful to you as an intern, and frankly, I don’t think he talked about such things because he hadn’t done that kind of emotional growth work himself—at yet HAI allowed him to become an intern.

You wrote that “I have learned a great deal about love as a participant and as a team member.”

The assistant (later intern) who served as my Level 1 HAI group counselor and—in the context of a check-in during the workshop—declared to me that she had no interest in a sexual relationship with my partner and then, barely a year later, propositioned him, well she also once told me that she could love people without knowing them and that she “loved” me as a member of her small group. Certainly, when I found out that she was getting involved with my boyfriend behind my back (while they were away for HAI training at Harbin!), let’s just say that, at minimum, I did not feel “loved” by this person. Is this the kind of “learning about love” you do as a HAI intern?

To me, this woman did not conduct herself properly and appropriately as a HAI intern, and my former boyfriend is basically an intern for all the wrong reasons. Yet, I’m sure neither of them will ever come before the Accountability Council, because, frankly, in my region of HAI, I’ve seen far worse going on.

I CHALLENGE STAN DALE TO CLEAN HOUSE.

He can start with HAI Northeast.

Hi, I'm another person who recently stumbled onto this discussion. I discovered HAI over 10 years ago, and I have taken 1 or 2 workshops most years ever since, including 6 of the 7 "levels," most of them more than once. They have been fun, joyous, challenging, and immensely valuable for me. I've also been an Assistant with HAI for the past few years. That means that I've taken HAI's 1-day Assistant's training, that the HAI facilitators have accepted me as someone they're comfortable having as an assistant, and that I'm now allowed to volunteer to help with the workshops. I'd like to weigh in on some of this.

Although I am an assistant with HAI, I speak only for myself as an individual. Assistants are not official representatives of HAI. Only the facilitators can speak for HAI.

Eaonderko said she wanted her partner to go to HAI so they could share some of the concepts and skills HAI teaches, and Ciruela used this to imply that HAI instills an us-vs-them mindset. In my experience, that's simply not true at all. It's hardly shocking that someone would want to share a meaningful part of her life with her partner.

Personally, I'm happily married to a woman who's not a HAI person. She did take a Level 1 after we'd been together a while, since she was curious to experience the workshops that had been such a significant part of my growth, and while she recognized the great value the workshops would have for many people, she didn't feel drawn to take more of them herself. (Her communication skills were quite functional from the day I met her, but if they hadn't been, I could see asking someone to try a variety of things such as learning about NVC or taking a HAI workshop, but that hardly means that people who find value in NVC or HAI have an us-vs-them mentality.)

I want to point out a misconception Ciruela has about the role of HAI's volunteers, which siofra unfortunately reinforced by going into how much training she's received. HAI's assistants and interns are *not* counselors, therapists, psychologists, or anything similar (well, except for some individuals who also happen to be therapists professionally), and they are *never* represented as such in the workshops. Before reading Ciruela's messages here, I have never heard anyone refer to their small-group leader (assistant or intern) as a "counselor."

They are simply volunteers who help make the workshops happen logistically. They fill the water containers, keep the bathrooms clean, operate the sound system, help the participants (and each other and the facilitators) with anything they might need, from unloading their car to finding their missing scarf, and yes, they lead the small groups of about 5-6 people that meet a few times during each workshop.

The training to lead the small groups is pretty straightforward, and the goal is primarily to make sure the group functions smoothly, to minimize any distractions and make sure each person has the attention of the group during their time to speak. We don't lead any activities that happen in the small group format. The facilitators do that. We're also asked to be ourselves and to be honest and real as members of the group we're leading, that is, not to hold ourselves separate or act aloof or superior or withhold what's going on for us (with the exception that we're asked not to request any favors or communicate any romantic or sexual attractions with participants). We're specifically trained *not* to counsel or give advice or commisserate or do *anything* other than simply listen attentively to what each person says and regard each person with care and respect. We're not paid, and we're not counselors, no more than a person listening attentively to a friend is their counselor.

Despite the fact that we're neither described nor trained as counselors, HAI recognizes that transference can still happen, as it can in any setting where a group of people is identified as representatives of an organization. The same would be true of a hike leader with the Sierra Club, even though they are not described or trained as counselors either. But since transference can and does happen, HAI does teach its volunteers to understand the issue of transference and requires that we agree not to abuse any special regard that people may grant us for our own social, financial or sexual needs.

Given this, I'm surprised and appalled at the experiences Ciruela says she had with her ex and a HAI intern. Assuming Ciruela's allegations are true, their behavior sounds completely inappropriate. Sadly, over many years of active involvement in the HAI community in northern California, I have heard a handful of stories of HAI interns or assistants abusing their position and breaking their agreements. (Also, the agreements have evolved and gotten clarified over time, so it may be that such problems were more frequent years ago.)

But these stories have been the rare exceptions, in my experience. They have involved just a few individuals out of several hundred active volunteers. Of course, nobody is going to write about any of the thousands of stories of people showing care, sharing wisdom, and having fun on a "cult education forum."

It's particularly sad to me that, from what you've written, it sounds like the prevalence of hurtful and selfish behaviors may be much greater in your region. I truly hope that the actions of a small group of unethical volunteers in one region won't interfere with all the very real good work that HAI does.

Ciruela wrote: "My own ex-partner told me why he wanted to be an HAI intern: (a) because he liked looking at naked people and (b) because he wanted to meet potential new sex partners." Well, those are patently inappropriate as reasons to volunteer to assist at a workshop, and if the facilitators had heard this, I'm sure they would never have accepted him. On the other hand, though, these could be understandable, if perhaps immature, as reasons to attend HAI workshops as a participant, or even as aspects of why he might have wanted to join the community of HAI interns (since they periodically have training workshops among themselves and there are a number of happy couples who met each other as interns). I personally know most of the active volunteers in the northern-California area, and I assure you that the vast majority of them, like me, take their agreements to heart and would not go assist at a workshop in hopes of meeting new sex partners.

But as with any situation in life, HAI has to strike a balance between safety and freedom. Psychotherapists have opted for maximum safety to protect their profession and ensure that people paying for counseling are not exploited.

In the case of HAI's volunteers, nobody is paying them and they do not provide counseling. The agreement not to date participants for a specific number of months after meeting them when assisting at a workshop is intended to balance the risks of relationships that might be based on transference with the interests of people who may first meet in that context and then, over a period of time, may take a number of workshops together as peers. For example, when someone becomes an assistant with HAI, they will then be attending workshops working alongside other assistants who they originally met when they were a participant, so it's not uncommon to develop friendships and feel attractions and be interested in dating.

At some point, it just makes more sense to trust adults to take care of themselves instead of treating them as children by making inflexible rules to prevent bad behavior. And anyway, the facilitators are always free to revoke someone's status as an intern or assistant based on their behavior, regardless of whether they technically broke any rule.

Ciruela, you said you wrote one letter to one HAI facilitator telling him what happened to you, but your letter didn't identify the individuals who treated you badly, you didn't request a reply, and you didn't receive one. I would suggest that you contact him again and ask if he received your letter and, if so, what actions he took in response, and tell him who did these things to you. Or, if you'd be more comfortable, call another of the facilitators from your workshops to discuss these people's behavior, and *identify them*.

You wrote "To me, this woman did not conduct herself properly and appropriately as a HAI intern, and my former boyfriend is basically an intern for all the wrong reasons." I would agree. Then you wrote, "Yet, Im sure neither of them will ever come before the Accountability Council." Well, if you would tell a facilitator what happened and who was involved, I'm sure that they would. Then you wrote "because, frankly, in my region of HAI, Ive seen far worse going on." Wow. What happened to you sounds pretty awful already. And you've seen worse? All I can think to tell you is, I'm sad to hear that, and I'm angry at whoever is doing these things. And, until you name names, I don't know how HAI will be able to address this.

You wrote "I CHALLENGE STAN DALE TO CLEAN HOUSE. He can start with HAI Northeast." I challenge you to inform a HAI facilitator (Stan himself has been in poor health recently, so I'm not sure whether he'd be up to responding personally) of the need for cleaning. I'm sure that every one of the facilitators would agree that this would serve HAI's interests as well as yours.

Ciruela-

When I first wrote (after reading all the posts and related attachments), I sat for several days before responding and then made a conscious choice to simply share my experience and to stay away from debate or drama. I sense a great deal of pain in each of your posts about the breakup with your ex and how clumsily he apparently handled it. I have meet him fleetingly (from the date you mentioned) and would not have guessed the things you said about him. I do not know what went down or why but I am sorry it was so ugly. I have written poetry after a shocking breakup about surviving the first thousand days and I can empathize with part of your experience...the intense pain if not the anger.

As for my last letter, I believe that it is just as possible for people who have attended HAI to make assumptions as people who haven’t – so I was coming from a very different place than you wrote of. I recognize that you have attended two workshops (100 hours). My observation was not that you had never attended a HAI workshop but rather that you made broadly sweeping generalizations – e.g. your post of 4/27 which has 4 which I personally do not believe to be true in it, based on my experience. In my case, I started to get what HAI is really about after about 4 workshops (but perhaps I was a particularly slow learner…)

You referred to whether the discussion pained me. Yes, but not because HAI is being criticized. I believe healthy organizations need feedback to grow and I have bent both facilitators’ ears and Janet’s about areas needing attention. What pains me is:

1) HAI can’t make right the things that make this most painful for you. Your ex-partner has made a variety of choices in his personal life that are not under HAI’s umbrella to make right. Even if HAI disappeared tomorrow, my guess from what you have said is that your ex would still be a poly man who has moved on and cut many ties in the process.
2) As Ponderosa pointed out, if you have feedback on HAI, taking it to a facilitator is a productive venue to bring about change. I have found that my feedback is not always the choice most worthy of action but I am always treated with respect and many of my ideas are adopted. In the situation with your ex, I can’t tell if any team agreements were violated. I would be glad to put you in touch with a member of the Accountability Council if you would like to explore this with them – there are some wise, well grounded people on the council. Likewise, if you want to discuss your concerns about the Northeast, I will be glad to hook you up with Janet or a facilitator (Stan is dealing with health issues and has turned most oversight over to these folks.) I know they would be very open to hearing from you.
3) I had been disturbed by multiple aspects of the previous conversational thread (e.g. mentioning that HAI was mentioned in the same article as Jim Jones which created a certain impression very different from the article itself which also cited the San Francisco Zen Center, Michael Murphy of Esalen, the Alameda County Chiropractitioners’ Association…in their list). This type of use of information feels high drama instead of constructive.

On your other comments...

I do not consider myself a counselor nor has HAI ever called me that. Ponderosa was right in noticing that I should have clarified this. I am trained to listen not to advise or counsel. When I sense someone has something serious going on I refer them to a facilitator. When facilitators feel someone needs professional counseling, they recommend it. Weekend workshops are not a substitute for real long term psychotherapy. Personally, I have significant tax write-offs that attest to this belief (hint, my workshops do not get deducted). Workshops provide catalysts for growth yet this is very different from therapy. I have attended a wide variety of workshops over the years at Omega, Esalen, and Harbin among other places. I am grateful for the many gifts of these workshops….yet their gifts are quite different from working with a well trained therapist over a long period.

As you ask about my personal life and the negative impact volunteering for HAI has had on it. I am going to choose not to go too far down this road except to say that no, no one suffered. Rather the opposite from the feedback I received over the years. HAI never came before my sons and I would cancel out of being on team or cancel attending a party if one of them needed me. My family priorities have always been clear. I am sorry if your ex’s priorities were different in this respect.

I do not know the woman your ex partnered with after you but from your description, she and I are quite different. The love I have learned as an intern isn’t about male/female relationships…it is about coming out of my comfortable hermitage to care about and connect with other human beings. Pretty low key but wonderful stuff.

If there is any way I can support you in bringing your concerns forward, I would be glad to do so. I believe we step into our power when we move concerns like these into discussions with the people who can do something. I have built tremendous respect for the facilitators and Janet over the years; I believe, by working together, what is about your ex and his partner and what is about HAI can be separated out and both you and the HAI administration will benefit from the dialogue.

Warm wishes,
Nan (a.k.a.siofra)

Ciruela-

I am writing to let you know I received your note and tried to reply but the system wouldn't let me. (I don't have enough posts yet.) Thank you for reaching out as you did and sharing the information you did.

Warm wishes,
Nan