'After I became a victim of ‘Personal Development’/Human Potential work I suffered all the classic symptoms of depersonalisation:
'Feeling I was an actor observing myself in a drama or workshop called my ‘life’ instead of being a real person.
'My values and behaviour all deteriorated
My decision making ability became terrible, but none of it mattered because I was just an observer in a passive dissociated trance state.
'It’s like being in a waking dream state where the subconscious mind takes charge over the conscious mind.'
The worrisome thing is that some HP groups and intensive group seminars convince us that the dissociated/derealized state of mind Kico describes is progress, is something GOOD
And that you're inferior, unevolved or 'asleep' if you're grounded in your life, participating in it, savoring it as it unfolds, rather than standing apart from your life, like a scientist at a control panel.
There is a fascinating article by John Falk, in the November 2001 issue of Esquire. It is entitled 'No Zoloft, No Peace.'
Falk describes how he went to sleep at age 13, a normal outgoing kid, into athletics all the stuff a young guy cares about--and woke up next morning in a sickeningly bleak state of mind 'Chained to a ball of metaphysical doubt.' Young John Falk found himself frozen, on the outside of his life staring in, wondering what the purpose of it all was.
What Falk did not know was that overnight, a biochemical shift occurred and he had plunged into depression. He spent 10 years pretending to be normal, when inside himself he felt like an alienated freak. He found relief acting out, and finally ran out of energy at age 23. He began planning suicide,and hesitated only because he knew how horrible it would be for his family.
He begged his parents for help, was sent to a psychiatrist and described how an antidepressant changed his life.
Falk discovered that his medicine had kicked in when, one morning he took a walk and realized he was no longer a spectator to his life. He was simply, physically 'embedded' in life, enjoying little things like the smell of a wood fire, the rustling of his hair by the morning breeze.
It was because he was 'in life' no longer a spectator to his life that he was healed.
Later in the article, Falk describes how, in a bizarre set of circumstances, he was cut off from his supply of anti-depressant, and his depression returned. The first sign that he was falling back into the doldrums was when he found he could not concentrate on an article was writing.
And began asking 'Why bother?'
Sounds very close to what some of us have reported after going through certain HP workshops
Its well worth reading and perhaps photocopying this article for your personal files.
Right now its speculative, but perhaps heavy, high intensity programs produce group ecstacy because of mass serotonin surge, which produces one subset of disabling symptoms (see URL below) then when you go home, your serotonin is depleted, you get depressed and derealized, then you crave another group experience to get the rush back.
*Possibly some persons are biochemically susceptible to serotonin surge followed by depletion and are more likely to experience disabling side effects from badly run HP groups and problematic LGATs. This is yet another topic that cries for a well designed medical research study.
They've been able to test serotonin responses to Transcendental Meditation and have found that the disabling side effects many people experience after doing TM are attributable to elevated serotonin. (There's such a thing as too much serotonin as well as too little!)
[
unstress4less.org]
Similar serotonin surges are produced by practicing Transcendental Meditation and TM people report a high incidence of trance and burn out.
Joyce Collin Smith lost her ability to function as a novelist after shed been in TM for 10 years. She reports experiences similar to those of young John Falk, except she used more metaphysical language. But like him, she came to the brink of suicide. You can read this in Chapter 14 of her online book Call No Man Master
[
www.isleofavalon.co.uk]
Our little library of reading material on depersonalization is here
[
forum.culteducation.com]