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outofimpact
Ex - How have you divorced yourself from your Impact-self? I am having trouble separating that person and who I am today because as I read others' experience, I feel like I relive the shit that they put me through. And I agree with you TOTALLY when you say that you said you were betraying yourself. That is exactly what I felt. I wasn't tuning in to my "inner knowing," which told me that I was betraying my own sense of self. Instead, I lied to myself and told myself that Impact was doing something good and wonderful to myself.
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As I have found support here, I feel so blessed and empowered to take my life back. I asked my parents to do Impact. They made it through Quest...and it nearly killed my father. At the time, I told him I was giving him a gift. I am so grateful that they didn't go on to any of the other trainings. I had never had much of a relationship with my father until Impact and I have to tell you that Quest did provide us an opportunity to bond. Now I am sickened to think that the "bond" we experienced was so abusive. Fortunately, because my parents are old and set in their ways, they didn't want to go on to any of the other sessions and most of what was taught didn't stick. I hope I didn't cause my parents any harm when I used the manipulation to get my parents to do Quest. I am saddened that I was one of Impact's groupies who bought into the crap they taught.
Can I ask...How do you stop beating yourself up for buying into the crap taught in Impact. This is the part I am having a hard time with ....separating myself out...and not ripping myself up one side and down the other because I totally bought into this stuff.
Also, spiritual?, I, too, know of a physician who recommends Impact as a way to work through your problems. He is a D.O. and staffed some of my trainings. He was one of the reasons I went to Impact. I quit seeing him after Impact. Again, it was one of those things I removed myself from after I was through with the trainings. Somehow, I felt like I was seeing a "quack" because I couldn't subscribe to the Impact lifestyle anymore.
I am pretty sure spiritual? is including the specific D.O. you are referencing. He is one that came to mind as I read this. It is natural and healthy to want to stay away from anything that reminds you of all things Impact. The damage to self-esteem is, as far as I can tell, the most common and nearly universal side-effect of the damage done by LGAT’s. Of course, the severity of this is relative and depends on many variables. My first suggestion for you Outof, is if you have not already, find a therapist. But not just ANY therapist. Interview with a few before you settle on one. Make sure they do not utilize any new-age techniques or resources within their therapy, this will trigger issues you do not need to revisit. If you can, find a professional with a doctorate as opposed to a masters, unless of course the masters you find is brilliant and has good chemistry with you. It is my opinion that finding a therapist that will prescribe medication as a temporary tool for the sole purpose of helping you to not have to rely on for your stability is a good sign. Don’t be afraid to ask for what discipline they specialize in. Make sure you mention you are interested in de-programming, that you just want your identity and self-esteem back. Be up front with them and tell them everything you went through while you were in Impact, beginning in quest, and onward. Do not hold anything back with your professional, particularly your cultish experiences, you will only frustrate your experience if you do.
Make sure the professional knows you have been mentally conditioned. You may have to educate your thereapist, do not assume that they are aware of all of the issues here. Pound it into them so they can fully, appropriately appreciate the gravity of the situation.
Professional therapy is to help give you a road map back to yourself. A sounding board can be a good thing, but talking with a professional and figuring out a strategy with which to combat your issues and move on is the point here. It will help alleviate this sense of floundering about with your emotions and move to solving the problem(s). Guilt is a big issue for me, and it can be crippling if the imagination is allowed to run rampant with it. My therapy sessions have done more for me than the sum of everything else I have tried, including this board.
When I first began to go to therapy, I had to battle the Impact imbued disdain I had for the profession, coupled with past failures with therapy. I now write off the past failures because I did not screen my therapists when I was younger. Make sure to make an appointment before you leave each interview. Even if you have to re-schedule, make an appointment, even if you know you can’t keep it. It is too easy to want to blow it off. Make sure you are willing to have the discipline to recover in partnership with your professional for the long haul. There is no time limit on how long recovery can take. Although I have had some measure of recovery, as I have expressed, sometimes it feels like it is all gone and I become submerged in all of it. That is when I page my flexible and understanding therapist, even though I don’t want to do it.
This is a safety net that personally tailored for your specific situation. Although helpful, this website should be seen as a supportive tool to be utilized in conjunction with your therapy.
Sharing my experiences and talking about the issues (as I have learned) can be both helpful and harmful. The mind cannot differentiate from past trauma and remembered trauma. When I am unable to step back and separate myself from what I talk about, I find I re-traumatize myself. This does not mean that I have to become unemotional, but because the trauma and conditioning from the trainings still has sway and life within my behavior and psyche, I have to be careful and moderate the time I spend focusing on the trainings. I have tried multiple times to take a break from talking about these issues, but (obviously) I have not been successful. So, I have to be MUCH more attentive to my mindset and my mental and emotional attitudes when I address these issues so that I may be able to continue any dialogue. Ultimately, Impact and LGAT’s must become an object you can look at without it sending you into any kind of [i:1e695a55ec]destabilizing[/i:1e695a55ec] emotional or psychological state. But this cannot automatically be accomplished without a conscious effort if you are experiencing the symptoms you admit to, and this is difficult without someone to help guide things along, particularly when it is someone with an outside perspective. I ask that anyone who is reading this post and continues to come up against Impact related problems from being involved in it, regardless of the comparative severity of issues, please do not downplay the potential significant benefit of seeking professional help.