Re: These two women are taking advantage of me. Is this normal behavior at AA?
Date: April 19, 2018 12:44AM
4 years ago I had an affair on my husband which I regret terribly.It has been a difficult journey for my husband,he can't seem to forgive me. My husband looses it at times and says some really crappy things about me in front of our daughter and I am afraid of what she may think of me.I don't want this to ruin her future,which I feel could. I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.My husband and I where going through some sex issues at the time. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair.
This other man can't compare to my husband as far as having character (just because I fell prey to this situation doesn't mean I've lost my ability to recognize character and integrity - I realized I've comprised mine BIG time). My husband is a WONDERFUL man that any woman would LOVE to have...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely).
The affair has been done and over and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me atleast. It's almost like he is hearing it from the very first day all over again.He is soooo angry still,I can't understand it. I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened. I am a straight woman, i love men, simple! I am straight and I am completely 100 percent straight. I have never been attracted to a woman sexually. I am STRICTLY hetero.Even the thought of eating out a vagina makes me gag. I've never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. Within my region this is the only all female AA group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I don't want to go to mixed gender meetings because of my husband. He is extremely jealous. I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. I'm confident that I look good in my clothes my style is "sexy but classy" I don't believe I have ever offended or embarrased myself or anyone with my wardrobe.I am a very classy woman and i would never dress in a cheap trashy way. I have noticed, that at times I apologize for the size of my boobs. Some people might think that I am purposefully being provocative or displaying my cleavage, but that is hardly the case. Logistically, unless I wear a turtle neck, most blouses that I wear still show cleavage; it is inevitable. There are dresses that I can never wear because, while on someone with smaller breasts it would look ok, on me it looks vulgar.
This issue of vulgarity isn’t something that I would have necessarily impressed upon myself, but rather the reaction that I get from people. How dare I show a glimpse of breast that isn’t darkened by the sun! I should pull my shirt up because I am about to have a nip-slip, even though my nips are firmly encased in my bra. I would love to wear strappy dresses with little triangle cups! I would love to wear certain shirts and blouses without something underneath for the sake of modesty (well, someone else’s idea of modesty not necessarily my own). The truth is I regulate a lot of what I wear so that people won’t take it as an invitation to touch, stare, or speak to or about my breasts. Yes these women AA group members think I am arrogant or a snob but I do not have good people skills .Although I'd prefer that they think I'm arrogant to thinking that I'm afraid. I am uncomfortable in social settings and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around other people. I've been asked soooo many times 'why are you so serious' when I'm not feeling serious at that moment. I unintentionally tend to give off an unfriendly aura which has led people to ask if I dislike them. When I feel nervous I try to compensate by being really confident. I guess other people take that as me being arrogant. I've been told I come across as stuck up/snobby full of myself, narcissistic, stuck up etc., and also very unwelcoming to new people. Technically the second part is true as new people terrify me, but the first bit is very untrue.And the truth is, i just can't talk to everyone... not that i don't want to. I just need time to open myself to people. To relax and open up. I hate that I come off like that. When I do speak with people, I tend to be overly nice to compensate and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. People around me (except for the ones who truly know me) have always said that I come across as snobby, stuck on myself, and unfriendly. The truth is, I'm just really shy and insecure when it comes to socializing with people. I do have several close friends, but it bugs me that A LOT of people think I'm a snob when that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been told that I seem snobby and it is because I don't speak up in groups where I am not comfortable. I have had people ask me if I thought I was better than others. This explains why I am having such a difficult time with this situation with these two touchy feely "friendly" women (chair person and ginger). I thought I was doing a good job at appearing pleasant and likable. Even when I talk to other women AA group members I try to watch my tone of voice and sound cheerful. I am known as the biggest snob at work. Everyone always gets that first impression of me, and many keep that impression. The vast majority of people think I'm a "snob" or a upper middle class overdressed arrogant bitch I know since the friends I've had over the years told me that after some time. People simply assume I must be a snob because I'm quiet. That doesn't even seem logical to me, but when being quiet is something that simply wouldn't occur to most people perhaps that's the next most logical conclusion. I really want to yell at these two creepy short skinny women chair person and ginger to get their goddamn hands off my body. But I can’t get angry. I just can’t. Not in the moment–I shut down like a security camera with a miswired motion detector, and it’s only later that I realize what I should have done. By then, it’s too late to confront them, and it’s turned into a pattern and what am I supposed to do then? The whole time I'm at the AA meetings I feel like I'm being disrespectful and rude because I didn't choose to be there. I'm not actively looking for help, although I have the utmost respect for these women group members who realize there is a problem and are fixing it. My husband blame me for everything. Anytime, I mean ANYTIME something goes wrong I am the one to blame. It feel like I have a sigh attached to my forehead that says --> BLAME ME HERE! If something goes wrong with the finances, guess what? Its my fault..same goes for everything. I'm so tired of being the blame for everything. He thinks I'll give him a heart attack and I barely even argue or fight with him anymore. Whenever we talk all he does is lecture me and barely lets me talk, and when I do talk he twists my words and makes me sound bad and evil so I just listen [which is getting harder to do] and let him finish his lecture than we're done talking without getting anywhere, than we ignore each other for the next couple of days and he waits for me to "show" that I care and come to him. That is why i decided to try tolerating touching,rubbing and groping by these two women at AA. I don't want him to found out of that situation. He is going to blame me. Sometimes I feel really manipulated by my husband. But this situation with these two short skinny weird women chair person and ginger at AA is only seeming to get worse. Today at the meeting their hands were all over my body. I have been married for 17 years and we have had a pretty rough marriage,lots of different problems that were not easy at all for me. My husband says"fuck you" to me. He has said this to me many times over our 17 yr marriage when he is frustrated with me or when we are in an argument. Each time I tell him that it is wrong to say that, it hurts me, and that I never swear at him. It hurts me so much that most times I cry myself to sleep. He very rarely apologizes for saying it. He's also demeaning and demanding, and has deliberately forgot important dates (birthday, anniversary, valentines day). The problem that I have is that I feel that I can not communicate with him about anything without him getting defensive or mad at me. He doesn't speak to anyone else this way.
Of course, if I agree with him about everything and just do everything that he asks then he's happy and everything is ok. Please tell me am I overreacting?I am like paralyzed and numb while these two creepy ugly old short women are touching me and groping me.I am just sitting and standing there kind of awkwardly letting it happen. Even i am unable to speak coherently.I am going “ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” ” errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrr” for ages and ages while they are rubbing me and groping me. I feel so foolish and used by these two weird women. I am 5ft10 foot tall and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes me HUGE!
The other day I was in a mall with my daughter and this little boy pointed at me and said something like: "Gush mom, look at her, she is giant!!!"
If I am in a crowded room, I am a head above 95% of the people. I have been told that i look stuck up and arrogant.I have had the experience of women being jealous of me.I like satin and silk clothes and I wear them well.I should not have to suffer for what I like because other women have low self esteem and don’t see the gifts they have within themselves.I have a more stylish sense of fashion. I never wear anything trashy, I keep myself well covered and strive for professionalism and class. I always like to dress on my best, because I also feel great when I’m dressed pretty. Once, i’d been to the hairdressers and was off to do a little shopping afterwards and the girl at the salon asked where i was going looking so glamorous – i said i was going shopping and she was like “really? You look so glammed up to be going shopping!” I don’t mind though, i’d rather be wearing something i feel good in than look like i just rolled out of bed.I wear high heels every day too.All the time. I like dressing well, and looking presentable. My case worker probation officer is very condescending, aggressive and quite rude. She doesn't care what happens to me. She thinks that i deserve to go to jail. She says that i am stuck up, arrogant snob. I just need to get through this. As i said within my region this is the only all female AA group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I don't want to go to mixed gender meetings because of my husband. These two short skinny creepy old women chair person and ginger are always touching me and groping me at the meetings. This awful hideous woman ginger thinks my body belongs to her. Once she told me indignantly, when I asked her to please remove her face from my breasts, “ You stupid overdressed upper middle class stuck up bitch! It’s fine because I’m woman!” She can't resist either grabbing and squeezing my breasts or ass or rubbing up behind me...it's irritating at the best of times. My husband is always angry, he complains constantly, and makes me feel as though anything I do is inadequate. When he gets upset with me, he leaves the house. Not just for a few minutes, or to walk around, but for several hours. It upsets me like you wouldn't believe! The whole time I'm worried that something happened to him & worried if he'll come home. My husband can be incredibly moody. I often feel like he treats me disrespectfully, he doesn't listen to what I have to say as he always thinks his opinions/ideas/concerns are far more valid than mine. He gets really angry really quickly and talks down to me, swears at me, points his finger at me and basically just shrugs off anything I am trying to tell him that I am feeling. He takes exception if I try to tell him what is making me feel the way I do and takes EVERYTHING as a personal attack. Then he shuts off from the entire 'conversation' and gives me the silent treatment for however long it takes him to calm down. He NEVER apologises.
He always wants to be in control, in charge, the boss. I dont fee that he ever takes my thoughts or feelings into consideration. He just pushes to do what he wants.
Of late I have noticed that I feel anxious most of the time...I feel like I am always walking on eggshells around him so we don't have another argument about something. I have a hard time saying no to these two women chair person and ginger at AA. I don't speak up. I wish I could, but I'm too much of a wuss.I am just sick and tired of being taken advantage of by these weird short skinny old ugly women... frustrating... I wish I could lose my temper.I wish I had the strength and courage to not be a doormat. I accept total blame for it though. My fault for not saying no. I let these two women walk all over me. I hate this because I feel like I am an easy target. This awful woman ginger seems to feel the need to constantly grope me. When she wants to interact with me, normally instead of speaking to me she'll walk up, and grab my boobs or ass straight off the bat. She is always grabbing my breasts, grabbing my butt and just rubbing on me in some way. I am standing and she walks up behind me and literally both of her hands are on my breasts and she is squeezing them , basically holding me tight to the point where I can barely move, and then as she lets go squeezes my butt. She constantly jiggles my breasts. She is rude and nasty towards me. I just feel like she is putting me down in front of other women group members and treating me like I am inferior. She is very sarcastic. She always comments on my clothes. She says that i wear too much make up and that i am always overdressed in flashy fancy clothes. This hideous woman ginger calls me stupid rich stuck up overdressed giant cow. This other woman chair person greeted me on my first meeting. Made sure I had her number and some other women's numbers.She suggested
I volunteer to make coffee. Chair person woman is very polite and serious. She is well regarded and known in AA around here. Generally she is well liked by everyone in the meetings. She touches my breasts and ass but not as much as ginger. To be fair, she isn’t constantly reaching for my breasts and ass. But she really does know how to pick her moments. She likes to pat my breasts,squeeze them or just hold on to them. Also she rubs and caress my ass. Today she was giving me a hug and laid her head on my breasts and bounced her head and said "your boobs are soft and nice to lay on you are blessed with big boobs" .Often she talks to me while she is holding onto to me to reassure me. I often hold hands with her, whether I'm waiting with her outside talking and we're just standing there holding hands or whether we're walking. Linked fingers, sometimes. She always links arms with me and walks leaning into me. I have 21 more meetings to go. I got a dui because of my own irresponsible decision making.
I respect everyone who has found sobriety in the aa program. i can understand why these women members don't like court ordered aa. It can really screw up the environment in these meetings for people who actually use them for help. I need to get through this. I mean what's the worst that could happen? What am I supposed to do? I just go there straight from work. This woman chair person signs my attendance sheets. Also my probation officer calls her(chair person) to verify my attendance? I am too scared to be dishonest about the attendance though. This woman chair person calls me 3 times a day, if I don't answer she emails. She says that court ordered AA opens the eyes of a lot of people who would otherwise not consider themselves alcoholic. Clearly these two short skinny creepy ugly old women (chair person and ginger) my abusers have learned the gaslighting game well. They are relishing the emotional turmoil they create and perceive my action as an open invitation. They have taken a page from a Mad Men-era harassment playbook and assume their status as older, “non-threatening” women entitles them to do so. I don't want to make waves. Social conditioning has trained me to believe that my body is not my own, but rather, public property to be guarded (by my Jealous husband) shamed (by my Mother) and ruthlessly judged (by society.)
This is further underscored by the victim-blaming behavior of the other female participants in my AA group who should be my allies. It is bizarre because i am 5ft10 tall,curvy,well endowed,well built and always on high heels standing next to these old short skinny women(chair person and ginger) i look like a giant.Because of that I am not taken seriously by other women AA group participants.Also these weird women (chair person and ginger) don't look threatening. They are masculine, creepy and ugly but they are tiny,short and skinny older women. I am just standing or sitting there like paralyzed not saying a word or laughing awkwardly while these two women are groping me touching me rubbing me hugging me. Most of other women AA members think i am stuck up arrogant and a bit of a snob. I'm a not stuck on myself at all.I'm the kind of person that only speaks if I have something to say and I keep my business to myself. I work for a good company. I am good and competent at my job. When I am feeling stressed, blue, or overwhelmed, I will dress up a bit more than usual (which is already 'up' for this cummunity my AA all female group), and put more time and effort into my hair and make up. I think it's part of the 'fake it til you make it' mentality that I have adopted. If I look pretty, it helps me to feel a little better.And very often, to cheer myself up, I'll wear red.Btw, that doesn't mean I'm always down when I wear red, just that sometimes red is my way of subconsciously sending myself positive messages. It puts me in better spirits when I look fab. It helps me feel fab on less fab days.I always dress up when I'm feeling down.In fact I think the more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.Partly because it's the fake till you make mentality, partly because I have no patience for feeling sorry for myself.I definitely feel better and more competent/capable of getting through the day if I dress up a little extra on the days when I don't feel good, but have something pretty important going on.I've been doing a lot of that lately.The more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.If I'm mildly blue, I will indeed take more care with my appearance, in an effort to banish or soothe the mood.