Sorry for the long post, I would really appreciate it if you read it. I have a very strange situation to handle. I got a DUI recently and have been ordered to go to 35 AA meetings. I'm not a heavy drinker at all--I never keep alcohol at my house, I never drink by myself, it's almost never liquor (mostly wine), and it's usually just for special occasions. Long story short, I was celebrating one last night with my best friend before she moved away. I ended up driving us home, got pulled over for a head light being out, and the cop guessed correctly that we had been drinking. So now I am required to attend 35 AA meetings. I've been to 11 already. It is all female group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure. I am feeling so sad. I am a weak spineless person. I am truly lost. This is so upsetting to me I don't think I can discuss this verbally with anyone without bursting into tears. I am a 42year old woman what is wrong with me? My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have a 15year old daughter! I am 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. I have a rather large breasts(34f bra size) and i do have a big butt. I don't intend to dress in any particular 'way' for anyone. I just wear what I like. I don't 'ask' for anything. I don't ask to be groped. I wear clothes that fit me properly. Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses.I am always on high heels and full make up on. If you are curvy, tall and busty, many clothes tend to look sexier on you than on a thin person. So things that fit properly that are relatively conservative can be suddenly too revealing and sexy when you put it on. This happens to me a lot.I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I was sexualised from a very early age, and shamed for the way my body looks - something I have no control over. I can't help how wide my hips grow or how big my breasts get.

My mother used to shame me for the way my body looked. If I wanted to wear a skirt or dress, she always discouraged it, she always thought my skirt was 'too short' or 'too tight', or there was something wrong with my dress-sense. There's always guys flirting or asking me for my number. When i go out in public guys start talking to me and subtlety try to ask me out. I mention i have a husband but some of them wont go away. I have trouble being mean so i cant get them to leave me alone. I end up getting stressed by it. The irony is that all this time I've been afraid of men, perceiving any touch as a sexual advance that I should fear - when really, it was a short,skinny old women I should have feared. My story just seems so implausible that I feel I won't be believe. After the first meeting i walked up to this woman who is in charge (chair person) to sign my paper "card". She is a 55year old skinny really short like 5ft3 wrinkled face thin lips green eyes grayhaired masculine woman. She said to me "Wow! Your breasts are large!" She asked if she could touch my breasts. I was like, No! Then I said, alright. Then I get a hand extended so I am like okay here it goes and she was not shy about just full palm feeling all around and getting a real grab! I think she was a little shy to ask and was surprised when I agreed. LOL! It was no big deal for me. She commented on how soft they feel. I thought that was fine, but then from the next meeting this woman chair person started touching and squeezing my breasts and slapping and rubbing my ass , in a joking/playful way in front of other women AA group members.

Since this woman chair person was so openly touching my breasts, this other short like 5ft2 skinny freckled face creepy green eyes thin lips red haired masculine 53 year old woman AA group member started doing the same. On my 4th AA meeting this short skinny ugly ginger woman walked up to me reached with her both hands and gave my breasts what I can only describe as a jiggle-squish. In the moment, I found myself laughing it off. Since then this ginger woman is OBSESSED with my boobs so much that on every meeting .. she just cups and squeeze them over.. and over.. and over. It is actually REALLY annoying. I kid you not, I have been groped, jiggled and, just about in every way imaginable, had my breasts handled by this woman. She says that she just needs to "cop a feel". Also she randomly grabs and slaps my butt. She is always hugging me around my waist.Sometimes several hugs in a row.She also always place her hand on my ass when i stand beside her.

Also because she is really short and i am tall always when she is hugging me she is pressing her face on my breasts and she is coping a feel of my butt. This woman chair person is always placing her hands on my breasts while facing me talking about AA. During the meetings she always comes behind me while i am sitting and rubs my shoulders and back. I always laugh uncomfortably and try to be as dismissive of the situation as possible when these short skinny women chair person and ginger are touching me. I think the reason why this reaction might be so prevalent is that i shy away from asserting myself, even when it comes to defending myself against such action, because i am wary of being labeled as a shrew, a bitch or a upper middle class snob. So i try to be polite and as unaggressive as possible. I laugh, to prove that i am easy going, and i apologize or refrain from demanding an apology and make excuses to show that i am graceful. Also me being spineless is due to my intense fear of conflict with this short skinny old woman chair person since she signs my paper. I just automatically want to do everything possible to keep conflict down with these two women at AA and I always sacrifice my dignity for it. I tell myself that "next time" I will say NO to them. Always "next time" but next time never comes. Are these women sexually abusing me? Thet seem harmless to me because I am physically stronger than them i am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.They are both short like 5ft2/5ft3 tall skinny.I am always on high heels they are always in flat shoes.Standing next to me they look like midgets. I am 100% straight.I've never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. In all honest just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes me cringe.

You know what though? I am tired of laughing it off. I am considered by most of other women AA group members to be very serious, arrogant, and stuck up.One woman group member has described me as a snob on about half a dozen occasions for the past 11 meetings . I still don't really know why. I know on one of those occasions it was because I turned down the offer to go to a coffee with her after the meeting. How not wanting to go somewhere makes me a snob, I don't know. Also this woman group member is always commenting on my clothing saying that i am always overdressed in satin and silk. Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses.I am always on high heels and full make up on.Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. Alot of people ( females in general) pre-dislike me, unto they get to know me and find out that I'm a not stuck on myself at all.I'm the kind of person that only speaks if I have something to say and I keep my business to myself. Also most of other women group members think that i am stuck up and arrogant upper middle class snob. I feel like these women don't really like me. they are all in their 40s and 50s. The whole time I'm there I feel like I'm being disrespectful and rude because I didn't choose to be there. I'm not actively looking for help, although I have the utmost respect for people who realize there is a problem and are fixing it. Yesterday I complained to my caseworker probation officer about the situation with this woman chair person but she(my caseworker) got really mad and started yelling at me. Her exact words were "You arrogant snob. Are you feel there is inappropriate touching going on here? Or is this an opportunity to tell me how glamorous, sexy, well dressed, desirable and basically how hot you are and how you feel uncomfortable "slumming" with women how aren't as sophisticated,rich, gorgeous and worldly as you? Ego and arrogance at its best.What do you expect with your huge boobs your big ass your flashy clothes?" I don't know what to do? I am tired of laughing it off AND I am tired of apologizing, as if it is my fault that these two women chair person and ginger can't control themselves. The point is, it is not okay to violate anyone's privacy especially in such a physical way regardless of the circumstances. It is not okay to makes someone doubt themselves because of your own lack of propriety. (I do begin to question myself from time to time. Is there something about me that makes them think this behavior is ok? Is it something about my face? Do I give off "grope me" vibes to these two weird women?). I am not sure if it is because they think that because it is female on female that that somehow makes it okay. I don't know? But, let me say this, just because you are a woman does not make it okay for you to say hello that way.

I am so consumed with guilt.I didn't tell my husband about this.I was to ashamed.Also I can't talk to my husband about this because he is extremely jealous and possessive.He is going to blame me. i need to get through this. I only have 24 more meetings to go. I mean what's the worst that could happen? What am I supposed to do? Also these two weird old women (chair person and ginger) don't look threatening. They are both creepy and ugly but they are tiny,short and skinny women in their 50s. I can't just punch them in the face.I am physically stronger than them,they are short and skinny ,but i have never been in a fight my whole life.I am afraid of any kind of physical altercation. I can drive with an ignition interlock device. I have to keep the ignition interlock for a total of 12 months. The device cost less than 200 dollars to have installed. The monthly cost is 65 dollars and it cost 20 dollars per month to have it recalibrated. I am responsible for returning the old device each month which costs 3 dollars. But, at least i can legally drive, and for that, i am grateful. All in all, its really not that bad. Within my region this is the only all female AA group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I don't want to go to mixed gender meetings because of my husband. He is extremely jealous. The ginger is worse than the chair person. Chair person randomly places her hands on my breasts and rubs them and slaps and grabs my ass usually after the meetings before she sings my paper. But the ginger has her hands all over me all the time. She is CONSTANTLY wanting to touch my breasts. When she gives me hugs she tries to bury her head into them. She will just randomly grab them. If im just standing there, and she'll walk by me and take a swipe at my butt. When I bend down within ten yards of her, she is right there, smacking or rubbing my butt. If I just stand there, she would stay there for a long time just feeling my breasts and squishing them or whatever. Also she will just full on grab my butt. The ginger says that because her face is at level with my breasts and I am rather large she finds touching, squeezing, rubbing, and patting them and resting her head on them comforting. She said that she finds great comfort doing this when she is stressed. It is all my fault. She thinks that my breasts are a readily-available source of comfort for her. She'll just grab them or lift them up when she's trying to be funny.Also she is CONSTANTLY slapping and rubbing my butt.She tells me that she is just showing appreciation for my curves. Also I think she is always grabbing, slapping and rubbing my ass to show dominance over me. It is so annoying. She acts like its all a big joke, laughs, etc. I make it clear I don't like it, but she acts like that's part of the joke, too. This woman the ginger considers herself "super-smart". She makes snide remarks to me for no specific reason.I have seen the ginger laughing with some malice at me, behind my back, when I ask questions that seem silly to her. She is very sarcastic. The other day she said to my face while squeezing my breasts that i am a stuck up overdressed cow and that my problem is that i feel i am from a higher class than other women AA members.She also will kind of...hold me from behind with her hands on my breasts very tightly in a way that I can't move, even when I'm trying to get away from her.

I've tried a few methods, from laughing about it to being serious, but I've concluded that you can't deal with this kind of person.The ginger is always commenting that i am so tall big and soft. I am quiet and afraid, I let her touch all over my body and speak about me as if I am not there, as if she is appreciating a piece of artwork in a gallery. 'Your breasts are so big and round.....wow...", "Oh my god how sexy." "You're so sexy". She speaks about me in a really pervy, disgusting way. She would switch between 'admiring' my body and then telling me that I am an arrogant stupid overdressed stuck up upper middle class snob. The chair person is more friendly than the ginger. She frequently invites me to have lunch or join her for feminist workshop . She texts me at random times to ask if she can drop by to say hello. But she rubs and strokes my breasts and rubs my ass talking about random stuff regularly. Although not as much as the ginger. Also she often hold hands with me when we are leaving walking to our cars. These two old short skinny creepy ugly women(ginger and chair person) are taking advantage of me, and i am afraid that they will just go even further. I try not to make a fuss over it. Okay, so at first I thought it was just a little phase they were going through and could laugh about it. Now, I am becoming so frustrated with them. I know other women in my group probably laugh at me behind my back because of this situation with these two women(chair person and ginger). One woman said to me that I make stupid faces while these two women chair person and ginger are groping me and touching me. She also said that it is bizarre that standing next to these women chair person and ginger I look like a giant and I let them get by with it. I just laughed and replied to this woman that we just have a weird bond like that. Other women in my AA group think that I am okay with it. I am towering over other women in my group. I just feel like such a failure. I feel like I am trapped in this situation and I don't know how to change it. I just feel hopeless. Why do I let this woman walk all over me? This has been eating at me. I feel like a failure. Should I feel ashamed of myself? I've never been in a fight. I was sucker punched one time in high school by a friend who incorrectly assumed I was talking crap about her but I was with a group of girl friends and chose not to fight back so I told her "let's handle it after school" but we were both pulled in to the office shortly afterwards and she was suspended. Nothing happened to me.I know that many women have to deal with worse, and I should "man up", but I am an extremely non-confrontational person, and I usually prefer to endure something uncomfortable than draw attention or displease the other person. I am tired of laughing it off. The fact that i keep on laughing it off and not confronting these two touchy feely women(chair person and ginger) is probably not helping the problem. They probably feel like its now "ok" to do because their behavior has been "allowed" by me for multiple meetings without repercussion. Usually when these short, skinny, ugly, women ginger and chair person who shouldn't be touching me try to I just kinda let them do the groping touching, rubbing and hugging, but I basically just sit/stand pretty stiffly. I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.They are like 5ft3 tall skinny.I am always on high heels they are always in sneakers.Standing next to me they look like midgets but they are not intimidated by me.Why? This is getting worse. Why would I scream my head off if a man did it but I can't verbalize a succinct NO to these short skinny old women (chair person and ginger)? I just don't know how to go about it. Should I tell my husband? I want to tell him but I am afraid that he might get mad at me or something. He is controlling and very jealous. I need someone to talk to.I just want someone to talk to. I don't really know who.I understand that I am being a wimp.

Stella wrote:

"She asked if she could touch my breasts. I was like, No! Then I said, alright..."

Okay, that was your first mistake. From my perspective, you DO need to give them a short, succint "NO!" Then stick to your guns. If you cant do that, or if it persists, you need to find another meeting.

I would also report them to AA, either at the local or national level. People like that should not be chairing meetings, and sexual harassment is forbidden in 12-step groups.

I believe that there are also groups for people who have trouble saying "no." You might want to look into that.

Stella,

After re-reading your post, i saw that you are reluctant to attend a mixed meeting due to a jealous husband.

This sounds overly controlling on his part. Most supportive partners would want you to attend a meeting where you will not be harassed, There is another forum on this, website about Abusive and Controlling Relationships. You might want to check there an see if that fits. It does sound like you could use some help with protecting your boundaries. I am not qualified to do that, however.

I haven't been to AA, but have been in other twelve step groups. They were all mixed, and were very clear that any form of sexual harassment would not be tolerated.

Either way, i would definitely report this chairperson to the local chapter, and go higher than that, if necessary.

Best of luck.

Stella,

I'm sorry if my answers sounded short or curt. I was trying to put the information you need in a nutshell. I now realize that you were also looking for some feedback.

So,

1. I DO believe you.

2. This behavior, on the part of these women, is NOT normal. It is not normal in ANY setting, let alone in any type of support group. When you ask someone to stop, and they continue, that is sexual assault.

I have gone with friends to gay women's bars, and that behavior would not have been tolerated even in there.

Don't worry about what these women will think if you stand up for yourself. Their behavior is reprehensible. People like that will often do everything they can to find fault with the victim, but that is just their sick mind game. Another sign of psychological abuse is that the abuser causes the victim to question themself, as i see you doing, ("what am i doing to deserve this"). Don't fall for it.

4 years ago I had an affair on my husband which I regret terribly.It has been a difficult journey for my husband,he can't seem to forgive me. My husband looses it at times and says some really crappy things about me in front of our daughter and I am afraid of what she may think of me.I don't want this to ruin her future,which I feel could. I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.My husband and I where going through some sex issues at the time. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair.

This other man can't compare to my husband as far as having character (just because I fell prey to this situation doesn't mean I've lost my ability to recognize character and integrity - I realized I've comprised mine BIG time). My husband is a WONDERFUL man that any woman would LOVE to have...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely).
The affair has been done and over and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me atleast. It's almost like he is hearing it from the very first day all over again.He is soooo angry still,I can't understand it. I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened. I am a straight woman, i love men, simple! I am straight and I am completely 100 percent straight. I have never been attracted to a woman sexually. I am STRICTLY hetero.Even the thought of eating out a vagina makes me gag. I've never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. Within my region this is the only all female AA group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I don't want to go to mixed gender meetings because of my husband. He is extremely jealous. I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. I'm confident that I look good in my clothes my style is "sexy but classy" I don't believe I have ever offended or embarrased myself or anyone with my wardrobe.I am a very classy woman and i would never dress in a cheap trashy way. I have noticed, that at times I apologize for the size of my boobs. Some people might think that I am purposefully being provocative or displaying my cleavage, but that is hardly the case. Logistically, unless I wear a turtle neck, most blouses that I wear still show cleavage; it is inevitable. There are dresses that I can never wear because, while on someone with smaller breasts it would look ok, on me it looks vulgar.

This issue of vulgarity isn’t something that I would have necessarily impressed upon myself, but rather the reaction that I get from people. How dare I show a glimpse of breast that isn’t darkened by the sun! I should pull my shirt up because I am about to have a nip-slip, even though my nips are firmly encased in my bra. I would love to wear strappy dresses with little triangle cups! I would love to wear certain shirts and blouses without something underneath for the sake of modesty (well, someone else’s idea of modesty not necessarily my own). The truth is I regulate a lot of what I wear so that people won’t take it as an invitation to touch, stare, or speak to or about my breasts. Yes these women AA group members think I am arrogant or a snob but I do not have good people skills .Although I'd prefer that they think I'm arrogant to thinking that I'm afraid. I am uncomfortable in social settings and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around other people. I've been asked soooo many times 'why are you so serious' when I'm not feeling serious at that moment. I unintentionally tend to give off an unfriendly aura which has led people to ask if I dislike them. When I feel nervous I try to compensate by being really confident. I guess other people take that as me being arrogant. I've been told I come across as stuck up/snobby full of myself, narcissistic, stuck up etc., and also very unwelcoming to new people. Technically the second part is true as new people terrify me, but the first bit is very untrue.And the truth is, i just can't talk to everyone... not that i don't want to. I just need time to open myself to people. To relax and open up. I hate that I come off like that. When I do speak with people, I tend to be overly nice to compensate and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. People around me (except for the ones who truly know me) have always said that I come across as snobby, stuck on myself, and unfriendly. The truth is, I'm just really shy and insecure when it comes to socializing with people. I do have several close friends, but it bugs me that A LOT of people think I'm a snob when that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been told that I seem snobby and it is because I don't speak up in groups where I am not comfortable. I have had people ask me if I thought I was better than others. This explains why I am having such a difficult time with this situation with these two touchy feely "friendly" women (chair person and ginger). I thought I was doing a good job at appearing pleasant and likable. Even when I talk to other women AA group members I try to watch my tone of voice and sound cheerful. I am known as the biggest snob at work. Everyone always gets that first impression of me, and many keep that impression. The vast majority of people think I'm a "snob" or a upper middle class overdressed arrogant bitch I know since the friends I've had over the years told me that after some time. People simply assume I must be a snob because I'm quiet. That doesn't even seem logical to me, but when being quiet is something that simply wouldn't occur to most people perhaps that's the next most logical conclusion. I really want to yell at these two creepy short skinny women chair person and ginger to get their goddamn hands off my body. But I can’t get angry. I just can’t. Not in the moment–I shut down like a security camera with a miswired motion detector, and it’s only later that I realize what I should have done. By then, it’s too late to confront them, and it’s turned into a pattern and what am I supposed to do then? The whole time I'm at the AA meetings I feel like I'm being disrespectful and rude because I didn't choose to be there. I'm not actively looking for help, although I have the utmost respect for these women group members who realize there is a problem and are fixing it. My husband blame me for everything. Anytime, I mean ANYTIME something goes wrong I am the one to blame. It feel like I have a sigh attached to my forehead that says --> BLAME ME HERE! If something goes wrong with the finances, guess what? Its my fault..same goes for everything. I'm so tired of being the blame for everything. He thinks I'll give him a heart attack and I barely even argue or fight with him anymore. Whenever we talk all he does is lecture me and barely lets me talk, and when I do talk he twists my words and makes me sound bad and evil so I just listen [which is getting harder to do] and let him finish his lecture than we're done talking without getting anywhere, than we ignore each other for the next couple of days and he waits for me to "show" that I care and come to him. That is why i decided to try tolerating touching,rubbing and groping by these two women at AA. I don't want him to found out of that situation. He is going to blame me. Sometimes I feel really manipulated by my husband. But this situation with these two short skinny weird women chair person and ginger at AA is only seeming to get worse. Today at the meeting their hands were all over my body. I have been married for 17 years and we have had a pretty rough marriage,lots of different problems that were not easy at all for me. My husband says"fuck you" to me. He has said this to me many times over our 17 yr marriage when he is frustrated with me or when we are in an argument. Each time I tell him that it is wrong to say that, it hurts me, and that I never swear at him. It hurts me so much that most times I cry myself to sleep. He very rarely apologizes for saying it. He's also demeaning and demanding, and has deliberately forgot important dates (birthday, anniversary, valentines day). The problem that I have is that I feel that I can not communicate with him about anything without him getting defensive or mad at me. He doesn't speak to anyone else this way.
Of course, if I agree with him about everything and just do everything that he asks then he's happy and everything is ok. Please tell me am I overreacting?I am like paralyzed and numb while these two creepy ugly old short women are touching me and groping me.I am just sitting and standing there kind of awkwardly letting it happen. Even i am unable to speak coherently.I am going “ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” ” errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrr” for ages and ages while they are rubbing me and groping me. I feel so foolish and used by these two weird women. I am 5ft10 foot tall and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes me HUGE!
The other day I was in a mall with my daughter and this little boy pointed at me and said something like: "Gush mom, look at her, she is giant!!!"
If I am in a crowded room, I am a head above 95% of the people. I have been told that i look stuck up and arrogant.I have had the experience of women being jealous of me.I like satin and silk clothes and I wear them well.I should not have to suffer for what I like because other women have low self esteem and don’t see the gifts they have within themselves.I have a more stylish sense of fashion. I never wear anything trashy, I keep myself well covered and strive for professionalism and class. I always like to dress on my best, because I also feel great when I’m dressed pretty. Once, i’d been to the hairdressers and was off to do a little shopping afterwards and the girl at the salon asked where i was going looking so glamorous – i said i was going shopping and she was like “really? You look so glammed up to be going shopping!” I don’t mind though, i’d rather be wearing something i feel good in than look like i just rolled out of bed.I wear high heels every day too.All the time. I like dressing well, and looking presentable. My case worker probation officer is very condescending, aggressive and quite rude. She doesn't care what happens to me. She thinks that i deserve to go to jail. She says that i am stuck up, arrogant snob. I just need to get through this. As i said within my region this is the only all female AA group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I don't want to go to mixed gender meetings because of my husband. These two short skinny creepy old women chair person and ginger are always touching me and groping me at the meetings. This awful hideous woman ginger thinks my body belongs to her. Once she told me indignantly, when I asked her to please remove her face from my breasts, “ You stupid overdressed upper middle class stuck up bitch! It’s fine because I’m woman!” She can't resist either grabbing and squeezing my breasts or ass or rubbing up behind me...it's irritating at the best of times. My husband is always angry, he complains constantly, and makes me feel as though anything I do is inadequate. When he gets upset with me, he leaves the house. Not just for a few minutes, or to walk around, but for several hours. It upsets me like you wouldn't believe! The whole time I'm worried that something happened to him & worried if he'll come home. My husband can be incredibly moody. I often feel like he treats me disrespectfully, he doesn't listen to what I have to say as he always thinks his opinions/ideas/concerns are far more valid than mine. He gets really angry really quickly and talks down to me, swears at me, points his finger at me and basically just shrugs off anything I am trying to tell him that I am feeling. He takes exception if I try to tell him what is making me feel the way I do and takes EVERYTHING as a personal attack. Then he shuts off from the entire 'conversation' and gives me the silent treatment for however long it takes him to calm down. He NEVER apologises.
He always wants to be in control, in charge, the boss. I dont fee that he ever takes my thoughts or feelings into consideration. He just pushes to do what he wants.

Of late I have noticed that I feel anxious most of the time...I feel like I am always walking on eggshells around him so we don't have another argument about something. I have a hard time saying no to these two women chair person and ginger at AA. I don't speak up. I wish I could, but I'm too much of a wuss.I am just sick and tired of being taken advantage of by these weird short skinny old ugly women... frustrating... I wish I could lose my temper.I wish I had the strength and courage to not be a doormat. I accept total blame for it though. My fault for not saying no. I let these two women walk all over me. I hate this because I feel like I am an easy target. This awful woman ginger seems to feel the need to constantly grope me. When she wants to interact with me, normally instead of speaking to me she'll walk up, and grab my boobs or ass straight off the bat. She is always grabbing my breasts, grabbing my butt and just rubbing on me in some way. I am standing and she walks up behind me and literally both of her hands are on my breasts and she is squeezing them , basically holding me tight to the point where I can barely move, and then as she lets go squeezes my butt. She constantly jiggles my breasts. She is rude and nasty towards me. I just feel like she is putting me down in front of other women group members and treating me like I am inferior. She is very sarcastic. She always comments on my clothes. She says that i wear too much make up and that i am always overdressed in flashy fancy clothes. This hideous woman ginger calls me stupid rich stuck up overdressed giant cow. This other woman chair person greeted me on my first meeting. Made sure I had her number and some other women's numbers.She suggested
I volunteer to make coffee. Chair person woman is very polite and serious. She is well regarded and known in AA around here. Generally she is well liked by everyone in the meetings. She touches my breasts and ass but not as much as ginger. To be fair, she isn’t constantly reaching for my breasts and ass. But she really does know how to pick her moments. She likes to pat my breasts,squeeze them or just hold on to them. Also she rubs and caress my ass. Today she was giving me a hug and laid her head on my breasts and bounced her head and said "your boobs are soft and nice to lay on you are blessed with big boobs" .Often she talks to me while she is holding onto to me to reassure me. I often hold hands with her, whether I'm waiting with her outside talking and we're just standing there holding hands or whether we're walking. Linked fingers, sometimes. She always links arms with me and walks leaning into me. I have 21 more meetings to go. I got a dui because of my own irresponsible decision making.

I respect everyone who has found sobriety in the aa program. i can understand why these women members don't like court ordered aa. It can really screw up the environment in these meetings for people who actually use them for help. I need to get through this. I mean what's the worst that could happen? What am I supposed to do? I just go there straight from work. This woman chair person signs my attendance sheets. Also my probation officer calls her(chair person) to verify my attendance? I am too scared to be dishonest about the attendance though. This woman chair person calls me 3 times a day, if I don't answer she emails. She says that court ordered AA opens the eyes of a lot of people who would otherwise not consider themselves alcoholic. Clearly these two short skinny creepy ugly old women (chair person and ginger) my abusers have learned the gaslighting game well. They are relishing the emotional turmoil they create and perceive my action as an open invitation. They have taken a page from a Mad Men-era harassment playbook and assume their status as older, “non-threatening” women entitles them to do so. I don't want to make waves. Social conditioning has trained me to believe that my body is not my own, but rather, public property to be guarded (by my Jealous husband) shamed (by my Mother) and ruthlessly judged (by society.)

This is further underscored by the victim-blaming behavior of the other female participants in my AA group who should be my allies. It is bizarre because i am 5ft10 tall,curvy,well endowed,well built and always on high heels standing next to these old short skinny women(chair person and ginger) i look like a giant.Because of that I am not taken seriously by other women AA group participants.Also these weird women (chair person and ginger) don't look threatening. They are masculine, creepy and ugly but they are tiny,short and skinny older women. I am just standing or sitting there like paralyzed not saying a word or laughing awkwardly while these two women are groping me touching me rubbing me hugging me. Most of other women AA members think i am stuck up arrogant and a bit of a snob. I'm a not stuck on myself at all.I'm the kind of person that only speaks if I have something to say and I keep my business to myself. I work for a good company. I am good and competent at my job. When I am feeling stressed, blue, or overwhelmed, I will dress up a bit more than usual (which is already 'up' for this cummunity my AA all female group), and put more time and effort into my hair and make up. I think it's part of the 'fake it til you make it' mentality that I have adopted. If I look pretty, it helps me to feel a little better.And very often, to cheer myself up, I'll wear red.Btw, that doesn't mean I'm always down when I wear red, just that sometimes red is my way of subconsciously sending myself positive messages. It puts me in better spirits when I look fab. It helps me feel fab on less fab days.I always dress up when I'm feeling down.In fact I think the more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.Partly because it's the fake till you make mentality, partly because I have no patience for feeling sorry for myself.I definitely feel better and more competent/capable of getting through the day if I dress up a little extra on the days when I don't feel good, but have something pretty important going on.I've been doing a lot of that lately.The more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.If I'm mildly blue, I will indeed take more care with my appearance, in an effort to banish or soothe the mood.

Stella,

When you describe how you feel and behave around your husband, and describe his behavior, it sounds to me like an abusive relationship. I'm no expert, but the fact that you are always walking on eggshells is a huge red flag. I see so many red flags in your post. It sounds to me as if you had some bad experiences as a kid/teen that made it very difficult for you to stand up for yourself. Help by a professional might aid you in dealing with that. I am NOT saying that you are ill, but that you might find it easier to deal with cerrain people.

As for the AA meetings:

Given what you have written about your probation officer, it doesn't look like she will be any help.

I would, once again, recommend contacting AA. You might want to go to the state or regional level, if this woman is well-liked locally. If you describe her behavior, and explain the situation with your probation officer, maybe they could send someone she doesn't know to observe her in a meeting.

Her behavior would be be distracting for other people in the group and create a toxic environment, in addition to the effect it has on you. I can't imagine that AA would wish to have this going on in their meetings.

Also, i think it would be a great idea to contact your attorney. You might want to do that even before you call AA. Either an attorney, or maybe a counselor, like an LCSW, might have some better ideas than mine.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. I hope it can be resolved quickly.

P.S. : If i can make a suggestion:

When you talk to AA, or an attorney, counselor, etc, about all of this, focus only on the behavior of the chairperson and ginger that is upsetting you.

There is no need to describe yourself or your clothing. The behavior of these people would be wrong no matter your gender or what you look like.

I had the feeling that you felt the need to defend your choice of clothing. You DON'T have to do that. You DO need to tell them to stop. Period.

Remember: The word "NO" is a complete sentence. So is the word "STOP." You don't need to explain or justify anything.

kdag Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Stella,
>
> When you describe how you feel and behave around
> your husband, and describe his behavior, it sounds
> to me like an abusive relationship. I'm no
> expert, but the fact that you are always walking
> on eggshells is a huge red flag. I see so many red
> flags in your post. It sounds to me as if you had
> some bad experiences as a kid/teen that made it
> very difficult for you to stand up for yourself.
> Help by a professional might aid you in dealing
> with that. I am NOT saying that you are ill, but
> that you might find it easier to deal with cerrain
> people.
>
> As for the AA meetings:
>
> Given what you have written about your probation
> officer, it doesn't look like she will be any
> help.
>
> I would, once again, recommend contacting AA. You
> might want to go to the state or regional level,
> if this woman is well-liked locally. If you
> describe her behavior, and explain the situation
> with your probation officer, maybe they could send
> someone she doesn't know to observe her in a
> meeting.
>
> Her behavior would be be distracting for other
> people in the group and create a toxic
> environment, in addition to the effect it has on
> you. I can't imagine that AA would wish to have
> this going on in their meetings.
>
> Also, i think it would be a great idea to contact
> your attorney. You might want to do that even
> before you call AA. Either an attorney, or maybe
> a counselor, like an LCSW, might have some better
> ideas than mine.
>
> I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.
> I hope it can be resolved quickly.
I don’t feel like i can complain about this situation with this two touchy feely women to my husband, as he will say it is all my fault. I have been conditioned to think everything is my fault by my husband and to let him walk all over me, so i might be doing it for every outward situation. The only reason i still attend meetings at the same AA all female group is my husband doesn’t want me round other guys and i can’t tell him about this problem because he will say it’s my fault? Also this woman chair person is respected and well liked in the AA community on a regional level. She does have power over me. She can muck things up for me with my probation officer. I am like frozen, detached and numb while these two women are touching me, groping me and rubbing me. They are touching me and groping me and rubbing on me as much as they want because i am unable to react. I feel like the most spineless person. ANYONE who has even had just a couple of glasses of wine with dinner and gotten behind the wheel of a car, can get a DUI. It is a myth that only "alcoholics" get DUIs. It can happen to anyone who ever drinks alcohol and drives. This woman chair person thinks that i am on a well deserved probation.

I'm not sure what's going on, as far as your not being able to react. I have had that happen to me, too, where i would not respond to something at the time, and know that i should have.

I believe that you wrote in your first post that you would respond differently if it were a man behaving this way. Is there any way that you could mentally figure out what you would say or do, if it were a man, and then transplant that response onto this situation? Since it seems to be the same behavior over and over, maybe you could come up with a good response, and then sort of mentally rehearse it.

You are right that this behavior is every bit as offensive and problematic from a gay woman as it is from a man. I too have had a certain minority of gay women harass me, with the attitude that it was okay, because they were women. The ironic part was that they would be the same ones who would rip on men, but would then turn around and imitate the very behaviors that they claimed to despise.

t



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2018 08:59AM by Stella1976.