Hi Everyone,

"I just wanted to say that it's nice to see a site like this. I was suprised when I Googled Est/Landmark etc as to what was out here. Obviuosly I'm not alone. I did the Est training 30 years ago and it's just recently that I have some courage to look at some of the things that "I got"

Besides having the few beliefs I had at 20 totally blown from my mind, the scariest thing that I got from it was that "I was God". (Others were God in their lives) Please don't get me wrong.. I don't think I'm nuts- thats why I couldn't look at it. It's just with all they were saying about "creating things" etc, even to the point of creating how others react and what they do etc. It was scary. And with the high that goes along with it, for awhile it felt like there was some truth to it. I was involved in a couple seminars afterword but it was too scary for me so I stayed away and tried not to think about it. I wasn't sure what reality was anymore and looking back I'm lucky I didn't end up in a nut house or worse.

Anyhow, the experience really screwed up my head and I have spent the last 30 years being afraid to look at this stuff and not really knowing how, who, or what I was supposed to be like. Thank God (who I don't think is me) I'm finally getting strong enough to try to sort some of this out. Sites like this and Youtube are helping. Thanks again."

Hi I wrote that almost a year ago to the day-funny.

Anyhow-as I said this stuff scares me. So what's happening is I've just gotten through a very difficult life for the past 25 years. I feel some sense of relief mainly because the kids are on their own now and I don't feel like I have to take care of them as much any more, which is allowing me time to focus and take care of myself.

The problem is-as I said before my thinking is pretty screwed up. What's happening now is I'm blaming myself for all my difficulties-for creating them etc. I'm also combing that idea with the New Age idea of re-incarnation and our souls trying to work something out. So even though I feel like I have the opportunity to enjoy life now- things were so difficult that I came to believe I was obviously working something out or I deserved it, and now I'm afraid I might come back again to an even more difficult life next time. It seems like I have managed to take all the negative aspects of all Belief Systems and none of the positive.

Sometimes I think it's depression but because of the Est experience and New Age (Unity etc) I find it difficult to accept any help because I feel like I'm copping out. I feel that after all;

"Your God in your universe, you caused it- You pretended not to cause it so you could play in it and you can remember you caused it any time you want to" Est Seminar

I think this is the statement that has been haunting me ever since I took the Training. Up until recently I was afraid to even think about it.

I have heard some one describe depression as having a "Tortured Soul" and that is definitely how I feel. I think a lot of my fears come from believing that God or Our Creator is punishing and if I don't get this right I will be punished again.

This might be beyond the scope of this forum, but I feel that there may be some who understand a bit of my conflict which I feel is largely a result of my experience in the Est.

If anyone has any suggestions I would be happy to hear them Thank you, SL

first thing, try not to overthink .

second , remember the cults have no truth and they in a round about way attempt to make u believe
what they say is the truth even though they tell u that they have no truth.

turn to God and he will help u.

give him your mind, your body and your soul and u will be just fine.

Let go your heart. Let go your head. And feel it now.
...............................................................david gray

Hi,
Thanks for replying- I was starting to feel like an idiot on top of it all. I appreciate your kind words.
Sincerely, SL