Why is this dependence on others to love you wrong? This idea of getting others to love you, why is it wrong?

Because the whole idea with love is that it is about you being loving. It doesn't matter what other people do, you be loving.
If it was about getting other people to love you, as is taught here... well that has always been the whole problem.

We all know how to get other people to love us. Just alter our behaviour in such a way that it meets their expectations. That's how we lose ourselves and that is always how we have lost ourselves. In that way we have become palatable to others and disconnected from ourselves, disconnected from our own hearts. We have become cult zombies.

And that is in general what we have here. People in "reallove" know how to get approval from Greg and the reallove coaches. You simply repeat the reallove cliches. You ditch your boyfriend or partner when they tell you to. You sign up for retreats, seminars and interventions. And if you really want to be loved and approved of you become a mormon according to this group.

ANON 541 I can only but totally agree with you. I am however very concerned for genuinely mentally and emotionally vulnerable people who may get entangled in this system, who really do need professional help - which sadly has seen the brunt of NHS cuts to services. Trying to extricate myself at the moment, but being made to feel there is something wrong with me, I will never ever find love in my life as only RL can provide what the whole world needs. I'm struggling with all the unsubstantiated claims made by the founder, the inconsistencies, and the contradictions. It all sounds good, but feels so fatally flawed.

This requires a lot of clarity. A lot.

You don't find love. Love is something you do regardless of what other people are doing. That's how you have it.

Also, it is helpful to notice we create and are responsible for our own feelings. No one outside of us makes us feel a certain way [though they sure try]. We have to stop trying to suck on others people's energy and be radiant love ourselves.

That can only be done by eliminating the core wound... the belief "there is something wrong with me."

Hi Dingo,

How have you gotten on with extricating yourself? I fear I may have lost my partner of 6 years to Real Love. Long story short, I expressed my concerns about it being quite cult-like and my worries that it would have a negative affect on our relationship (which is/was actually really fantastic, open, honest and healthy) and suddenly he's decided, in spite of the fact that we're not experiencing any problems, that he needs 'a break'. I'm so worried about him and I fear that he's throwing everything into this because he's been promised that RL is the only answer and he's in a really bad place right now. Any advice on how to approach this? TIA.

Hi bunny_mac,

I moved in to lodge with a house of people. Two of them do RealLove and a group is run once a week in the house. I thought from the very beginning that it all sounded a bit weird and cult like, but was assured it was not. Having studied three university degrees I decided to immerse myself into it all and learn for myself what it was all about - reading books, attending groups, listening in on calls, watching video blogs. I came to the conclusion some time ago that it was NOT a coaching program at all, but a full on cult organisation. It ticks every box of what a modern cult looks and behaves like. There are, apparently, a lot of other disoriented RL people who are confused about it all. What is all about unconditional loving is not actually loving at all. I am shocked that marriages and partners are broken up, people cannot go on a date unless they are told to by their mummy or daddy. This whole 'holding' business is creepy and does not serve to heal anyone. I had it out this week with this person and they refuse to believe me, laughing at me and telling me that I clearly need to do RL, and again, that one day in the future I might be allowed to go on a date when I am deemed 'ready' by them!! I have decided to pull out completely as I have learned enough, it all just keeps repeating itself now. I am aiming to write a counselling program to help people who leave JWs and cults like this to feel better about themselves again, to help others to get out etc...

This organisation is shocking in so many ways. It disguises itself as a charity but does not do any conventional charity work - except give discounts to its own members now and again to attend its own courses. It has a business front of being a 'coaching organisation' when in fact it doesn't bring anyone to a state of healing at all - they are dependent and co-dependant entirely on their daddies and mummies (sorry coaches) to help them through their whole life. A real coaching organisation works out a plan with a set cost and an end in sight, with self-empowerment as the goal. Not RealLove, because no one heals and will always need them. They tell everyone that they are only 2 or 3 years old in their head and need to relive their childhood as an adult - hence the being nursed and loved like a little baby. Sickening to see being done!! The monetary investment is huge. The reliance on RealLove is huge. The fear of everyone not in RealLove is huge, so much so that people can only be with RL people so that they do not get splashed, damaged etc. It just goes on and on and on. This organisation stinks in every way possible and I am glad I have learned enough and can step aside now and do something useful to help others. The worst bit is that they reel people in who are at their most weak and vulnerable emotionally, and so fall prey to their teachings. Those who have fallen prey believe everyone not in RealLove is 'insane'. If I question anything, particularly the great leader of it all, people just shut up and walk away. It is so difficult to get through - I am not sure where to start to help someone out of it. I am trying to help someone myself. But I guess meeting people who have left cults and religious cults and speaking with them will provide some information to help. I wish I could help you more - and I suspect I have probably heard of your ex - but I am now blocked from everything.

Another basic flaw with this group is their idea that everyone should run from their feelings. Of course they wouldn't put it that way, but let's look closely.

1. "If you are feeling bad get someone to love you." [In other words run from the feeling, distract yourself with someone else].

2. "Anger is always wrong." [In other words, you are not allowed to be angry].

This idea of running from your feelings is pervasive in this group though they deny it [denial is pervasive too].

I believe this is a prime reason why this group is so disempowering. If your feelings are wrong and you are encouraged to run from them [get loved from someone outside yourself], you will be running forever, and spending a lot of money on interventions, retreats, calls, etc.

Feelings are not wrong. Anger is not wrong. Sadness is not wrong. If you see these feelings as wrong you will be stuck in them forever. Feelings are just sensations that are coming up to be loved and welcomed. They generally have to do with repressed aspects of our psyches that were not allowed to be felt. Now when we are more mature we can let them to come up, welcome them, love them and let them go.

A basic principle missed in RL is: If anger comes up, welcome it. If sadness comes up, welcome it. Love and welcome whatever comes up. This especially means do not blame someone else. Do not put it on someone else. Allow these feelings to come up, own them, take responsibility for them, love them and let them go. No need to dramatise them, put them out on others, or blame.

By bringing love to every aspect of our psyches we heal, not by running from feelings or seeking distractions from them or outside consolations.

This doesn't mean other people can't help. If someone is clear they can help you see through your blaming, attacking, and victimhood and help you see beyond the tantrums we pull to get our own way. So other people can help, they just need to be clear themselves.

What ANON541 describes sounds like the equivalent of disabling the smoke alarms
where you live.

The first beeps of the alarm give you time to wake up, call 911, then get out. Without 911, the fire may be so far advanced that you don't wake up until its too late for even the best fire crew to rescue you.

And, isn't it interesting how many groups find ways to label anger as bad.

Disgust, anger, anxiety are the first signals that your boundaries and or deep moral beliefs are trespassed upon.
.

Hi

I was part of Real Love when it started. Greg Baer stayed in my house.

So sorry it went down this path. These workshops are nonsense. What happens on Monday when he is not there to love you.

Greg is also a very serious Mormon. I am not sure what he teaches is consistent with the church.

Thanks for writing that corboy. Almost always people getting involved with a group like this will have personal boundary issues. A person with soft boundaries, someone that is unable to set rules and limits on how others are allowed to behave towards them, will not only find themselves often angry and upset for going against their own heart, but will be easy to manipulate.

Having some coach or Greg set boundaries for you by trusting him is not a great solution, and what happens when you trust Greg and he tells you to put an $8,000 intervention on your credit card that you cannot afford? This is such a violation of trust.

The money thing totally compromises this group. If you are going to trust someone to set personal boundaries for you it is totally unethical for them to benefit from money decisions they suggest to you.

About the LGAT attitude toward anger:

There seems to be the attitude that anger is "not very evolved."

In the New Age community, we are said to have created everything that happens to us, so if we become angry, we are seen as "projecting" our stuff all over the other person.  There ARE cases where this is true, or where we are responsible,  at least in part, for our own unfavorable outcomes. I do always feel the need to look at that. 

The problem is when these groups apply it to EVERY situation, no matter how inappropriate,  and try to get someone who has been wronged to take ALL of the blame, even when wronged maliciously. You could be randomly attacked, mugged, raped, and they would tell you to ask yourself, "What I am doing that causes me to need to be treated this way?" In their view, the other person has done you a favor by highlighting this weakness for you.  You are told to not "make the other person wrong."

The physical overwhelming of the nervous system, by the environment and by sleep deprivation, has a numbing effect. This can take away some of the intensity of the anger,  but also shuts down positive emotions. I felt like a zombie.