Hi everyone I am new to this forum. The main reason I joined is because I am having some issues from praticising meditation techniques and listening to various "New Age" gurus.

To try and explain things briefly here, through out my youth I often experinced depression and negative thoughts often ruled my mind. As I got older I wanted to try and build up my self confidence because I had enough of feeling like a "loser" and I wanted to get over a lot of my anxiety issues. I only started off with basic affirmations which started to work well for me over the weeks because I noticed my confidence was high and I actually felt really good. Affirmations whether they are a placebo effect or not I can't deny they worked for me.

At somepoint and I can't remember why I did I started to look into things further like meditation and I started getting into "New Age" teachings. I got sucked in this idea that "you are not your thoughts", "no thinking is good be beyond your thoughts and egoic mind", "silence your inner chatter" etc. I remember the first thing I tried was concentrating on a single object for ages when I was outside whether it was a cloud, tree etc. Then I got into listening to "Hynposis tapes" through my Ipod and I started trying meditation to "clear my mind" by simply relaxing and listening to Spirtual/New Age music why trying to quiet my mind.

To be honest with you I can't remember when I realized it but I got to a point where I noticed I was "blank" in my mind as a default. At first it was great because I felt free from hurt, sadness, shame, embarrasement etc. However I couldn't really feel "happy" or joy either in much depth either. I started to notice I was going for hours even days with barely any thoughts popping up in my mind and I was walking through the world with little fear but in some sort of daze or trance. In fact when I am outside especially it almost seems like I slightly high and my vision is a bit blurred/cloudly. I started to realize that I couldn't daydream like before and even when I tried to engage my mind in thoughts It is almost like I was I am just observing them. I tried to get back into affirmations again but negative or positive thoughts no longer seemed to affect my mental state at all.

I don't know if anyone notices this change because I always used to be quite quiet, fairly unemotional and resereved, solitary in nature etc but it seems even harder to relate to people now. It's like I am just going through the motions in everyday life thankfully I think I am a good actor but I don't really feel much these days like I once did. Which is my seceret, I haven't told anyone about this even my family. It's quite profound how little fear I have now I walk through the world with little fear and I care less about how others view me also on that note I don't judge people so much either. Some people might say this is depression but I don't really feel "down" anymore mainly because I can't feel much emotional attachment to my thoughts anymore. For example when I used to tell myself "I am a loser", "I can't do anything" I used to effect my emotional state with these thoughts, the same was true when thought "I am great guy", "I have achieved a lot" etc. However there is no or little affect thinking these things. Can anyone relate?

I have looked into Derealization and Depersonalization disorders but I don't fit the criteria at least not exactly because most people with this disorders feel a lot of their thoughts and feelings, racing thoughts and anxiety where as I experience the complete opposite of little thinking or pondering, little anxiety but with an empty "blank" state of mind of feeling nothing. Blunted affect. I remember I used to think a lot and deeply about things but ever since going into this "nothingness" state It almost seems impossible to think deeply anymore, my imagination is even more poor as well. I rarely think of anything like dreams, goals, ideas etc.

Sorry If I haven't explained things well but the main issue for me is that I basically have a "blank" mind all the time, my egoic mind seems to of shutdown somehow, those automatic thoughts of wondering about life, improving myself, feelings for others etc are gone or reduced. My thoughts whether good or bad, positive or negative the emotional affect or my thinking is gone. When I have thoughts (which is less common) I don't feel anything about them which is NOT normal in my opinion. I can't deny the feelings or joy, sadness, excitement, happyness, anger etc are absent and grealy reduced.

I will try and explain things again If need be I tried to explain this as best as I could. I have sort of excepted I may be in this "Beinging", "blank" state forever as I have been like this for almost a year already and exercise and improved diet seem change nothing in terms of the blank unemotional mind and thoughts.

Thanks in advance for reading and if you can help.

It might be wise to consult with a professional who is an exit counselor. Mr Rick Ross can refer you to persons in your area.

Later, if you and the exit counselor find that this is still an issue, that person may be able to refer you to someone who understands your precise situation.

You want to work with a professional who is licensed and trained and who will take accountablity for the quality of his or her work--and who puts your autonomy and well being first and foremost.

You may feel you dont quite meet the guidelines for de realization or dissociation but I would advise checking with someone trained in those areas.

It is one thing to read about this oneself and quite another matter for a person with training to give you a personal assessment--something that fits you, the way a custom made pair of shoes will fit and make you feel 'Aaaah.'