Date: March 16, 2023 03:05PM
Sense of Self of Bernard Poolman
So I don't know everything about B, and I am expressing my view, my opinion on this matter.
Since I am calling B a narcissist and I use that term after much looking into this and also having first hand experience of building up my self esteem and sense of self I know about this a little too. I am talking about everything to do with the perception of yourself. And in this context I wanna talk about the perception of yourself mainly in terms of values like honesty, integrity justice and the perception or view of the world. Both experience of and with other people determine a large part of how someone views core values. In B's case he had a sister that was admitted into a psych ward which B claimed was fine and his relationship with his mother ended at that point and with his brother was severely damaged.
The reason being that his mother didn't tell him about the admission of his sister. An experience that is so difficult that it has set up the main anti character of B and a endless quest to find and to redefine and reinvent words like honesty and trust and responsibility. All words to do with how a human being should operate, an obsession, a fantastical delusion and for B reality created around that experience; To right a wrong that he has experienced and has not come back from mentally/psychologically. Another part of your view and perception of your self, so your self image, relies on your view of the world. Which is again experience in a broader sense, of society and so on.
B was now much older, more experienced and successful in terms of having made it as a police detective. B told on the farm about his experience as a cop and what stood out to me is that he use mediums, divination at some point to "help" with his work as a detective. It didn't surprise me when B said that it wasn't very effective. A lot can be extracted from this again, you don't undercut your colleague's by using some kind of medium period. But already B didn't really care about that in regards to others. It shows a glaringly obvious lack of sense of self that is already affecting his behavior in a social-professional context. Back to the divination, you have problems when you use this in detective work period. You, only for that need counseling with a psychologist just for that and maybe change careers.
Let us leave it there, because the next event I want to get to is this one: B got told by a spirit that he should quit his job or he would die on the job that day. And he did. To many this might simply sound absurd, he is mentally ill clearly. It could be yes. On the other hand I keep the options open here and let us say that the difficulty on his job had created so much stress that his mind at some point sharply informed him that he needed to stop. So a small break of the psyche, although it could be throwing a peek as well into the "normality" of B and dealing with "others" or beings. Back to B and his freshly decision of quitting his job, it must in some way felt like a relief. In many ways the police jobs just wasn't scratching his itch. Which is as someone with a already diminished sense of self through his traumatic experiences of the past to find something to create that self worth again. In reality B already at this point was very far into the shit when it comes to recovering himself and imo could not do that alone anymore.
So throughout from the little coaching to the taking of some little piece of software and selling it for a fortune B is swindling person after person around his finger. And this is something to not. Someone with a big ego is often easy to spot as the person will quite often boste or show his self importance. A low sense of self however is much more difficult as there is something hidden rather that something that shows on his own. And that hiding B has become very good at. From himself and from others as wel. Underneath the seemingly smart talk and articulate way of speaking, there was a man already determined to make sure he got his justice, and his value out to the world that was sick. The problem with that is you never get there with him, he will not show that true nature to anyone. Maybe also that in some way he knows it is sick or at least could be interpreted that way. And it is, sick.
Many things that B did before desteni are hardly ever talked about, because they wreak of fantastical ideas about him defeating demons with his obsession around forgiveness(understandable knowing he never forgave his mother) calling it self-forgiveness and professing that it can cast out demons, no! That it is the only way to permanently get rid of them.
He a started mediation group with the use of a hard drug called xtc. What xtc does is the reward chemicals that are normally released by your brain in small quantities get released at once. It creates a overwhelming feeling of euphoria and happiness. The thing with xtc is that it uses a reservoir of chemicals stored in your brain. The effects diminish and after much use can lead to brain damage. Another thing that I have notices personally having seen and heard experiencers of this drug is that it can create a kind of short temper and other mood related issues. Anger, pains and other mental problems from continued use. Something I have seen with B throughout my experience on the farm, he would sometimes just fall to one knee, panting and complaining about pain and all of that. These physical pains imo are also a clear sign of his mental health state and an outflow of that physically instead of what B claimed to be because he had connected all the points of reality into his body. Not even sure how he described it but you get the gist.
B constantly kept people down, by not explaining things fully keeping them in the dark just enough to be the light in some ways to give them something to go on. Starving someone mentally and then throwing in some bone. It is easy because the subject desteni is into is the mind. And a lot of it is unknown, although more known then I think B or anyone at desteni is aware of. Nevertheless it can be used as a unknown that you claim something about from a point of authority. Be it life experience or a "portal" these are points of authority. I think and I have not talked about this, but B used to go to cerise's grandfather who was a deeptrance medium a lot. He would sit there getting answers from beings and just being fascinated by that. And personally I think that he used this trans-state and or hypnotism on susan spies(aka the portal) to groom her and prepare her mentally to eventually lead up to the out of body experience susan had(with or without drugs I still wonder). On the farm B would when asked a question usually have a pointy or crafty way to divert the conversation to go about you.
This kind of threat came from him that he knew more about you the he did. He knew how to play that game well, but when it came down to it he had nothing, however showing of his real emotions and some normalcy in terms of personality where far gone from this point. The drive of creating all this content of desteni and himself was not because he cared so much about life or saving the world but to compensate and to give worth to himself, placement in the world the way he wanted. The problem with this is that the desire to do so is unquenchable and in fact wil never be enough to give self worth as the only thing that happens is that after having some power and control it will lead to a further suppression of true self; of the core of the self that will not go away which everything else is based on: the past, the repressed emotions and unprocessed psychological trauma. A grandiose person is created by B that defeated the devil and even managed to beat the creator itself.
For now that is my insights on B. Thank you for reading.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2023 03:14PM by vizix.