One of the basic problems I’ve had is that I tend to lack spine and I don’t put my foot down and tell people just what I believe. I have been hospitalized in mental hospitals 3 times over the recurrent problems I’ve had with Jesus and the Christian community’s efforts to recruit me into the army of Christianity.
The first time I was hospitalized was when I went to CA with an old “friend” of mine who commandeered my father’s car and we went to the West Coast. One of his friends gave me this rap about Jesus and I had finished with Hickman not too long before that. My diagnosis read, “ don’t believe in G-d”, whatever that was supposed to mean. That was back in the early 1980’s.
In Israel in ’95, I ran out of luck with the Carlebach movement, Aish Hatorah and Diaspora Yeshiva. Not knowing where to go, I went to the bookstore run by the Christ Church over by the Jaffa Gate and they gave me money for an apartment but not before they forcibly converted me to Christianity. It is illegal to do such in Israel.
The American government had an American Repatriation Loan ticket ready for me and I didn’t even need to go to the church at all. I could have just gotten home. Theoretically, I didn’t need to prostitute myself again.
So, how did my 2nd hospitalization happen? Basically, I was in the Ozanam Men’s shelter run by Catholic Charities in New Brunswick, NJ and one of the case workers tried to get me to go to a ”Hebrew Christian” congregation. I told them to take me to the mental hospital. I am really fed up with the impact religion has had in my life.
All of the religious issues in my life have been boiling over for years. It’s an endless skein of events. I don’t understand why I can’t seem to put my foot down. I believe the world’s religions have moral codes melded to myth.
The next time I was hospitalized was a few years ago. I wrote a posting on a Heathen website claiming that Israel had plans to blow up the world if they lost the State. I felt paranoid. So I went to Raritan Bay Hospital. But at the hospital, I didn’t level with them and tell them why I went.
I had been attending Avenel Presbyterian Church as the congregation bailed me out with some funds I needed to get through the month and I just didn’t want to take from them without giving back in return. My therapist at the time also suggested I should attend the church. I am planning on moving and I am not planning on joining a church again.
Also, the pastor nailed me to the wall and asked me if I believed that Jesus is the messiah. I answered “yes” based on something a therapist I had years ago told me about Jesus’ impact on the world.
To make matters worse, I remembered what my old philosophy professor told me once. He said, “For the sake of building a society, we can lie!” I find that hard go take. My sister, who worked for all the big personnel placement agencies in NYC once told me that, “When you look for a job, lie, lie, lie or you’ll get nothing.” This is in stark contrast to what some books on resumes and job hunting say.
I concocted a story when I was in Raritan Bay about how a second minister in my church, 1st Presbyterian Church of Avenel had tried to get me to leave the church and how it was causing me problems. That was true, I really was caught in a taffy pull which compounded the problem. So, I was hospitalized another time but for the wrong reason.
After I was released from the hospital Jack Dunlap, the retired pastor at Avenel Presbyterian Church, threatened to “run me out of town” when I told him I wasn’t going back to his church. There are postings on this site about it from some years ago.
Living in Avenel is difficult. It’s the middle of nowhere and there isn’t much for me to do here except go to the library, send email and receive emails and buy things off the web. I have few friends right now and I haven’t played my guitar much since my failed bid to become involved in the Jewish music industry. My SSDI check is not big although I get more than most people on SSDI get. So I’m budget constrained.
My belief is that when I finally solve my spiritual problems I will become employed again. Or at least I can be a famous author. I think it’s a matter of marketing and timing.
There is a saying that “when the student is ready the right teacher will appear.” Anyone have any suggestions? I need guidance here. All of you have read my postings which I have lovingly put up. I care about the world. Does anyone care about me?
Rick, you told me years ago that what has happened to me is important. I think my problems can be extrapolated to a basic set of things that can be generalized about the world and the problems with cults in general.