I grew up in a cult (will never disclose as it would be harmful to me). My father was an important member. It's all I know. It's hard enough trying to figure out your childhood without a cult in the mix but that is the way it is..anyone else been there?

I'm so vulnerable & depressed. My boundaries are non-existant in some ways as I open up about everything personal to everyone (this was a practice of the cult). I am also so suspicious and guarded as well. I am attracted to similar cultish situations now and seem to find these situations in life.

Some of the people I love the most are still involved in the cult and I am (always have been) the outsider & black sheep because I voiced my opinion. The saddest thing was seeing my father, who I love so much, break down and cry...he never cries. He sees this as truth and nothing will change his mind. I know that.

So how do I return to normal? How do I escape the brainwashing? It all I know. Please help!

There is a section of the database within the Ross Institute Web site devoted to the issue of Recovery.

See [www.culteducation.com]

The articles archived discuss recovery related issues and may be helpful.

There is also a directory of professionals offering counseling specifically for former cult members.

See [www.culteducation.com]

Hello lifeafter:

Being raised in a group, then leaving, gives you different issues than someone who had been recruited and leaves a cult group.

Even the 'experts' are just beginning to figure us out.

Am now chummy w/ another high-profile cult former-kid.
He asked me "Why we are so much alike?" (we had both been royalty in our respective groups, but resisted the leadership positions we were offered.)
I said "We both grew up in Disneyland and throught it was normal and wonderful. Then the Haunted House took over! We had to find our own way in the real world."

The first text dealing with 'us' should come out next year.
Here's a discussion thread about Adults who were raised in cults.
You CAN make it. I promise!

Good Luck!

[board.culteducation.com]

Quote
Toni
Being raised in a group, then leaving, gives you different issues than someone who had been recruited and leaves a cult group.

My correction. We have different but overlapping issues from other former cult members.
The links, experts, and booklists are very helpful!
Please review the links, experts and booklist on this website.
Regular therapists are really clueless, you need a cult-recovery expert. I used someone on Rick's list too.

The uniqueness of our situations - how to maintain any connection w/ our past, is not (yet) in the literature.

I compare it to coming from a famly of alcoholics. There will never be logic when talking w/ them (anyone from the first half of my life). I built another life that predominates. Does the pain stop? Yes!
holidays - that you will have to define for yourself.

Warmly,
t

Hi lifeover, Toni gives good advice! ( Hi Toni!).Was raised in a group too, and also love my "in group" family too. The people we love may be group members but they are also our family.Have found that distance from the group gives one a chance to build a life for yourself, and building on the strengths that come from having had a "unique" upbringing.(Hey, having to deal with different cultural norms, I find I can be more accepting of most people than those who have never had to step outside the comfort boundaries of their upbringing).Also being kind to yourself is important. I still see the people in the group i love as being fundamentally good people.They made mistakes of course, and finding the balance is hard. Sometimes it is like walking a tightrope.
Never got any counseling as I did not know who to trust.Did not figure I needed someone whose whole idea of help was to tell me to never see my family again. :roll: ( Of course, I do realize that for some people that may end up being their best choice) Have also had to accept that for my family the group will always come before me. making a life filled with good friends and good people has helped.It all takes time.Good luck,you'll make it!Yasmin

Quote
yasmin
Did not figure I needed someone whose whole idea of help was to tell me to never see my family again. :roll: ( Of course, I do realize that for some people that may end up being their best choice) Have also had to accept that for my family the group will always come before me. making a life filled with good friends and good people has helped.It all takes time.Good luck,you'll make it!Yasmin

Yasmin, (Hi!)
Yes, that is so true! My experience is the same. I don't need to be convinced of the foilbles and methods of the leadership (traditional exit counseling). I know that mess all too well! - saw the foibles clear as a bell growing up. I know their methods well enough to begin my own group if I wanted. ugh!

Agreed, my cult-family are mostly wonderful, well-intentioned, caring people! I'll always miss them!

I think our needs are about gaining normal life skills, how to keep the erroneous thinking patterns in check (our baseline normal), and how to maintain relationships w/ loved ones, past and present, w/o compromising our own integrity. - while building functioning lives. Not an easy juggle.

Saying that I'll never contact 'my cult' again means to disregard my family and entire history! That does not work.
However, I cannot exit counsel them either, because I'm the black sheep who used to go toe-to-toe w/ the leaders, and eventually left. They would welcome me back w/ open arms at any time! :roll:
Cannot do that either. So I live w/ the stigma of a black sheep.

Building a new life takes time. After developing real-time friendships, I slowly tell folks "Oh btw, I was raised in a cult."

But then it's tiring to educate folks what a 'real cult' is vs. just a self-help group or religious involvement.

Ususally I just remain quiet when conversations about childhood come up. My stories are too shocking for most normal folks.

As my grown son says, "I just smile and nod."

Good work Yasmin! Happy Holi-daze to all!
Later gators,
t

I didn't really expect there would be people like me on here! That is so comforting because I've never known anyone with the same sort of background as me, without that it's really difficult to feel normal.

I was reading the other thread can really relate to the us vs. them thinking. This still strains my relationship with my husband. I starting to think somehow in my messed up thinking...he is still a them to me. It's not fair to him.

Family members involved with the cult think I'm a big disappointment and I just don't get it - that I failed to achieve what they achieved. It's hard on my self esteem.

I sought professional help and she was very good and did help but she didn't know that much about my situation (and wanted me to break contact with family). Are there experts listed for other countries besides the United States?

Quote
lifeafter
Family members involved with the cult think ... that I failed to achieve what they achieved. It's hard on my self esteem.

I sought professional help and she was very good .... and wanted me to break contact with family. Are there experts listed for other countries besides the United States?

Hi LA,

Excellent comments!
As you describe, it's taken me YEARS to not feel separate from everyone else because of my background.. lifelong us vs them.

You/we, I think, have normal responses to VERY abnormal situations. This is related, but different than post-traumatic-stress disorder because it was our entire lives. AND we truly love many of the people from our past.

We probably also learned to be really good co-dependants!

As I'm writing (my memoir - taken years to write, the loving mind f**k), just occurred to me that most cult-kids probably do not write our stories because we care for many people in our respesctive groups. We don't want to hurt/betray their trust. We want to maintain contact with them and with our past. At least that's been my major concern about coming forth publicly.

I fear by coming 'out' that they'll never speak with me again! It's taken 20 years to build a strong enough base, outside-cult network, that I'll still have support if everyone from my past disowns me & my children. deep sigh.

You asked for cult recovery therapists outside the US? I know of one in Holland:

[www.sektehulp.nl]

"Concerned Oz" (member of RR message boards, no longer posts) is in Australia. He might have Aussie references for you. After making ten posts on this message board, you could send him a private message through this website - it should reach him.

Keep at it! You're doing the real work. Not pretty - but so neccsary!
Warm Regards,
toni

Hi Toni, Yes "memoirs" are a tricky one. Started to post and had to edit myself as I found that whole anonymous thing was going out the window..Suffice to say that it would be great to be able to really describe the truth.
Having said that there is a whole lot of reasons why I don't do it. Probably the biggest one is that I am not yet sure I can do it compassionately. And actually that applies more to some of the kids I grew up with than anyone else. Though the idea of family rejection and never being able to speak to family members again is also a real possibility that hurts.
Though there is that tiny bit of me that just wants to be able to speak out and say exactly what I feel and who cares about the consequences. Every now and then someone occasionally refers to the group in passing, often saying something wildly inaccurate with absolute authority and I get so annoyed..Like many things, lots of mixed emotions, huh?
Friendship wise, tend to do exactly as you do. Close and intimate friends end up knowing about my backgound at least enough, in social groups one can be truthful by saying very little! :) Find that blandly saying "my family is pretty religious , but I'm not" covers a lot as people assume I am refering to the local religion..Also most people are more interested in telling their childhood stories than listening to yours...and can normally find something innocuous to describe if necessary.Editing is a wonderful thing! Lifeafter, it can be hard feeling your parents disapproval:don't know what the answer is except keep respecting yourself. with the us versus them there gradually came a time for me when as my life became more normalized and the group life became less a part of it, that "us" became my new life rather than my old.Talking many years here. For me though the whole thing was a very gradual process. Took me a long time to realize I had "left" as it was more of a slow drift away than anything else.Slowly questioning more and more things, taking less and less of the "truth" I had been taught for granted.. Did not feel right to just assimilate myself completely into "standard" beliefs, so have tried to keep the best of my group upbringing, whille being able to think freely and decide with my own ethics rather than someone elses.