cult like behavior in relation to a cause, or a shared activity -- you do not necessarily need a leader. Though in your friend's case, whoever is 'orchestrating' the activity (eg functioning as 'master') could be functioning in a sort of guru role.
Moderators of discussion boards have been known to become manipulative and dictatorial. This tends to happen to people who dont have much of a career or social life apart from being moderator of the board. In the absence of social controls, even nice normal people can begin spiralling off on power trips--especially people who get hooked on computers and dont get out enough. The key thing that turns gurus insane is that they dont encounter normal every day limits and frustrations.
A formerly useful discussion group or forum can take on a bias and start 'shouting down' any participant who challenges this 'group think.' And social psychologists have demonstrated that in groups or when they are anonymous, individuals will engage in more extreme behavior than when they are aware of being observed. All this can indeed put a computer group or chat room at risk of a cultoid shift
There are also forms of crazy making behavior in which someone behaves as a guru, is deferred to as a guru, is as influential as a guru, but both that person and his or her devotees DENY the person is a guru. Jiddu Krishnamurti claimed to teach a pathless path, declared he was not a guru, yet he was deferred to as a guru, supported in affluent comfort as a guru, etc.
Amy Wallace, in her new book 'The Sorcerer's Apprentice: My Life with Carlos Castaneda' was a member of a covert group that centered on Castaneda. They all denied they were were a group! But they were.
Problem is, when a guru denies he or she is a guru, when a group denies it is a group, you have all the classic abuses of power, with no conscious vocabulary or rules of accounability. If no one openly admits to being powerful or influential, there's no easy way to call the person on his or her abuses of power. If a group denies it is a group, no one can easily speak up and say, 'What direction as a group are we heading in?'
If your friend is isolating herself and dedicating the majority of her attention and energy to this chat room, and getting involved with someone who is into BDSM and denies this, its dangerous.
I am not involved in BDSM, but have had discussions with live human beings who are. The essence of true BDSM is that the participants are fully conscious and adult about what they wish to do, whom they wish to 'play' with, and before they engage in scenarios, they ALWAYS discuss expectations and negotiate limits.
Genuine BDSM is more than playing with pain and power and restraint. It is about being passionate, erotic AND conscious. Most of us are taught that the only way to be passionate and erotic is to reject adult conscious awareness and sleep walk our way through sexual encounters. But in BDSM, you have to remain conscious and aware or you will get in trouble--or harm someone else.
(Again, I do not practice BDSM, but am fascinated that BDSM people have found ways to combine eroticism with full conscious awareness and the willingess to remain aware of safety and limits while in the throes of passion.)
Problem is that in BDSM as anywhere else, there are unethical or just plain foolish people along with the decent and responsible ones. So you have to know how to tell which is which and know how to set limits.
Limits are established in a number of ways that ensure accountability:
First you participate in social settings and groups which practice BDSM. (bars, classes, discussion groups and social service projects)
You learn who the oldest and most respected people are. If you are a novice you must find mentors who teach you the manners and safety procedures and who are known to be reliable people.
You learn to become conscious of your needs, desires and limits.
You are clear in communicating what you are looking for, and not looking for.
You get to know people before you engage in scenes with them.
Finally, you negotiate code words that you will utter if you're in more pain than you can handle and want the person to stop.
From your description, it sounds as though your friend is getting involved with BDSM that is in a context that is potentially hazardous because that context does not foster adult conscious awareness.
If that moderator were honorable and knowlegable, he would tell her 'You need to admit that you are interested in this and want to go further. And you need to learn how to protect yourself and find live human beings who will teach you, in person how all this is done. First you need to go to meetings and classes, and do a LOT of reading. Meeting someone off the Internet, sight unseen is just too dangerous.'
It could be that your friend had an interest in BDSM and only recently activated that interest. People do that. In heterosexual society, an interest in BDSM is usually frowned on, so people get secretive about it.
I dont think your friend's interest in the subject is the problem, its whether she knows how to protect herself and is getting advice from reputable practitioners. If you expressed concern for her safety, maybe that would go over better.
I dont know if you are up for this but you might consider going to [
www.sfweekly.com] and posting your query to Dan Savage, who writes the 'Savage Love' sex advice column. Dan could refer your question to someone who is knowlegeable about BDSM--he gets a lot of mail so I cant 100% guarantee you will get a response, but your query is very interesting and may well get his attention.
Dan's advice is somewhat 'In your face' but is rooted in solid common sense.
Good luck to you and your friend.