What cult were you in?
Posted by: xythos ()
Date: December 01, 2008 03:15AM

Oh dear... I think I've pretty much done the 'circuit' of all the 'cult-like' movements/organisations out there, starting with Herbalife at age 21 (when I first set foot in the US). It left me broke & I lamost ended up in the gutter if it wouldn't have been for a very good friend who took me in at the last minute because I was no longer able to pay my rent to the bloke I was roommating with in Westwood, LA. It was a lot of hype at the time, & Mark Hughes was still alive... I tried to do it back at home but the 'market' wasn't quite the same... I used to wear my "lose weight now, ask me how" button, riding the bus in LA, doing the leaflets, going through the parking lots, the whole gamut... It was a seeming non-stop 'party atmosphere' at every meeting but the realities of "hard & fast cash" in order to pay one's bills quite quickly caught up with me.

On Nov 30th 1990 (to date 17 years ago - God I can't believe it's that long already! Scary!) I returned back to my adoptive country & during x-mas that year, I ended up in hospital having to get my stomach pumped out. All my dreams about "making it big the American way" had been shattered I felt like a major failure...

Some time after my return from the US, I came onto ACIM but (certainly after my HL 'experience') I've been kind of questioning & probing the 'course', which of course doesn't make for an 'obedient' follower... Still, I guess my quest for my origins & my identity, has always left me 'open' to being abused in spite of myself...

When I lived in London (UK), a Korean sect tried to recruit me (I'm Korean born) to 'use' my linguistic translational skills. I left when the 'Grand Master' tried to kiss & fondle me on the way back home one night. I was just disgusted because I found out that he felt 'entitled' to have any female 'member' lay with him when it pleased him (the group was called Jeung [pronounced Jing] San Do).

There were some other groups in London which I was loosely attached to - at the time David Icke became quite 'known' with his "The Biggest Secret book" which I didn't read until later. I've always had an interest in 'different' levels of reality - mainly because I have remembered my dreams from the time I was 7 years old... One of the books that had a major impact on me was "Conversations with God" by Neale D. Walsch. I got majorily into Stuart Wilde & his 'teachings' & I also did a Louise Hay "You can heal your life" workshop...still nothing really 'filled that inner void'...left me wanting...

I returned to LA, CA in 2000 & the Law of Attraction "methodology" by the likes of Abraham-Hicks was all the rage, and 'looking for answers in all the wrong places', I caught on to it like a house on fire... Of course, it was another 'dead-end'... After the Iraq war broke out (I'd done a lot of research re American gov't & its true history via alternative sources) I resolved that I could no longer live in the US... I nonetheless managed to 'attract' a Mormon who had broken with his family & had, at the ripe 'old age of 27' survived a heart attack induced through an OD of cocaine mixed with alcohol. Now, after knowing a bit more about them, it doesn't really surprise me that he tried to 'forget' by abusing drugs...

The worst experience however, didn't happen in the US but on my home territory when I became interested in an alternative healing method & also, what has always been at the heart of the matter, my search for my identity given that I don't know who my biological parents were... (for those who are interested &/or have the patience/time to read the background [forum.culteducation.com]).

Long story short, this guy was & still is operating to this day & although one might not think of him & website www.expansions.com as a 'classic cult' the influence & his manner of treating his "clients" has all the markings of them - mainly trying to lure his victims with catchphrases, having them follow a certain thought methodology, threatening those that dare question him & his 'skills'...etc., etc...

Suffice to say the damage he inflicted on me took me about 4 years to truly come out from under... It contributed a great deal to furthering my already existing trauma (adoption trauma which is not much known on a larger scale but very real).

Last but not least, I spent about 3 months at the Osho Humaniversity centre in NL in Jan-March 2007 & more or less 'underwent' the whole spiel about sleep deprivation, being cut off from people outside "the centre", 'sexual relations' (which, I have to admit, I have been lucky enough to not be pushed above my comfort level), anger-release (AUM "meditations") which became too much for me after a while. I left & returned home sick... I was almost, without interruption, physically ill & although they tried to coerce me into 'participating', it's one of the reasons I left because I felt that I wasn't given the time I needed to recover & get well properly... So I just ended up leaving - period. And I never returned...

After a nervous breakdown & a serious suicide attempt in summer this year (story in the link above), I finally, to my own horror for fear of being abused again!, I still overcame my angst & did a two month stationary therapy. I have to say that where I live, our social security system is one of the best in the world. It was all paid for & I also have been able to do proper psychotherapy for over a year now which is also paid for by the gov't, given that I am in the process of disability pension & therefore do not have the financial means to pay for all of this out of my own pocket (I did however pay the OSHO stint myself out of my savings).

I suppose I have never been a 'long-time' member of any cult but it's more like a life-long attraction to cult-like movements that have truly burnt my soul & my psyche all the same which led to the now known result... And, after finally, finally coming out of this "daze" by recognising that all these sects were my attempt to fill a deep need to belong, to connect with my spirituality, as well as a hole that was left by my adoption, cultural inner conflict & repeated uprooting from age 2 right through age 15, having been adopted into a dysfunctional alcoholic family, it kind of leaves plenty of holes that make it easy for others to 'dig in their hooks' into the weakend psychic fabric...

Maybe because I was taken in by a sort of cultish organisation (a fundamental 'Christian' adoption organisation in my home country) it almost came with "the territory" & 'prepared me "well" to fall for more of the same...

Today I watch myself very carefully & I look twice at somebody & their energetic imprint before I give any time or energy in 'supporting' somebody's "cause" (some are very very clever, masking it as "saving the earth", "shamanic 'dance' blah, blah, etc., etc...) & as soon as my gut goes into a "red flag" feeling, I stop & do some research about the individual... One of the great sources that have helped me in disentangling msyself from the horrid www.expansions 'leader' was this site - after over 4 years!

I find walking in nature, reading, watching less tv, listening to beautiful, soothing music (classical or other), eating well (not too much sugar, fat or salt & lots of veg), sound sleep, not giving in to pressure to either one's own's urgings or those put "upon you" from your environment & more than anything, establishing one's own boundaries, paying attention to keep up those boundaries, are instrumental to protect oneself from falling for more con-artists, frauds or any dodgy movements... I have come to understand that the breaching of those boundaries is really one of the root causes that creates so much pain, despair as well as anger (which, I feel, is unresolved pain).

When we learn to maintain our boundaries out of respect for our own needs, what & how much we are able to deal/put up with, we automatically tune more into what feels good &/or 'right' for us rather than what somebody tells us (even if they be psychiatrists, psychologists, or any other 'outward authority'). Also, I feel it is vital to listen to how something feels, tuning into yourself takes time, patience & more than anything, a lot of time getting to know your real needs, wants & thoughts by being by yourself...and, in the process, learn to care for & look out for yourself, much like being your own best friend.

Too much chatter in the outside world ends up creating the same on inner level - a lot of waffling & confusion... So, every now & then, I feel it is important to 'tune out in order to tune in'... Being selective what you spend your time on, is important, too, I feel... Making conscious choices & decisions rather than simply going on 'autopilot'. No time pressure or turning up the expectations too high one has towards oneself, the healing process or 'outside sources' - such as therapists, counsellors or therapies, period - is also counterintuitive to the healing process.

Unfortunately, abuse is part of the human experience. I never thought I'd be able to heal but I've done a 180° & I am amazed to see how different it feels, how much more centred I feel because what I've consciously to leave behind. My suffering had gotten to the degree that I was willing to try out anything just so it would stop. And, maybe, finally, I have found the right path. I have survived two suicide attempts & two real-life threatening experiences (acute aneamia & a more private matter).

After a lifelong seemingly endless ride through hell without an end, for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I'm truly healing. And, I was the last person who thought that was possible.

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Re: What cult were you in?
Posted by: xythos ()
Date: December 01, 2008 11:28PM

To admin:

Sorry, I think I made a mistake when trying to add my post to the original that was created by Rick Ross. Could somebody please move it there? I don't want to strike others here as pretentious by creating my own 'thread'. Apologies.

Thank you,


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